Thursday, July 8, 2010

in-laws and insecurities

DISCLAIMER - this post may suddenly disappear if any of hubby's family finds my blog (I'm trying to VENT, not start more ugly drama)

I get along with my husband's parents.  Kinda.  Sorta.

We had a little emergency come up here at home that hubby just can't deal with from deployment-land, so he called BOTH of his parents for help.  His parents have been divorced for 25 years - they each live a little over an hour from me, and about an hour apart from each other.  (triangle-ish) Both have basically botched important things he's asked them to take care of in the past, so I am still not sure why hubby would turn to EITHER of them, let alone BOTH of them for help this time....but that is beside the point.

The problem I have with their involvement in this particular emergency is that I feel so JUDGED by them both - and I know I shouldn't care what they think of me, but I still do.  It might not be so bad if hubby had not bad-mouthed me TO his parents for the first ten years we were together.  I know what he has told them (some of it true, some of it fabricated, but all of it spoken only to garner sympathy for himself) and I know what they both think of me, as a result of it.  Of course he complains about his parents to ME all the time, too, and though I try to be 'fair' with people, I honestly have let his rants color my opnion of his parents, too.

The thing is, I feel so wronged by my hubby here - I have certainly never told MY family (or his, for that matter) about some of the stupid and hurtful things he has done over the years - in fact, I kept that information from my parents specifically BECAUSE I didn't want them to hate him (even when I did hate him for whatever offense I had just found out about).  Hubby, on the other hand, didn't seem to care if his parents and his sisters hated me, and yet now is totally fine with the fact that HE is half a world away, and when I am in a pickle here, the only people he can/will call to help me in his stead already think I am lower than dirt.

Am I wrong to be pissed off at hubby for putting me in this situation?

Am I wrong for letting it get to me, like this?  I feel so...humiliated.  Like me needing their help right now somehow proves that everything he ever said about me being selfish, incompetent, stupid, whatever, must all be true. In their eyes, anyway.

I don't want to fight with hubby (especially not via a static-filled phone line, or worse, over email). We get so little time to talk as it is.  I just feel like crap right now, about everything.  I hate needing anyone's help, so there is THAT on top of my other insecurities.

Being all pregnant/hormonal/crazy sure as hell is not helping matters here right now.


Anonymous said...

mama, you're breaking my heart!!!


L.C. said...

I understand the "in-law" judgement. My in-laws are the worst 9 times out of 10. But I don't feel as though you are wrong to feel hurt. The best advice I ever got instead of saying "I am angry or upset with you....." is to reword it as "I am hurt that you....." maybe when you discuss it with him bring it up that way :)

Renee said...

It's tough to be in your position right now - I can't even speak to it because I've not been there. BUT, for some reason your husband felt the right thing to do at the time was to contact his parents (regardless of his prior relationship with them). As uncomfortable as it may are an absolutely strong woman and can handle their help with grace. Although it doesn't matter in the end how they may feel about you, it still makes their help a bit uncomfortable. That's okay. Look how long you and your husband have been together and how strong your are together as a result of the stressful early years.

Mrs. Doc Handsome said...

You are absolutely not wrong to be feeling upset at the hubby for this. The one thing I've learned real quick in my 22 years of life (and it seems you've learned this too) is that you have to be careful what you tell people when you're angry/sad/hurt etc. For instance, your hubby should never tell his friends or family the details of one of your fights if he knows that it is temporary and will pass. Because the fact of the matter is, you two will get over that argument. People fight and you two will move on. You'll forgive eachother and hopefully forget it as well. But the people that your hubby told these details to? Well they will most definitely change their opinion of you and of course, stick with them. It's not fair but it's how it is. Sad enough. I think you need to stress this importance to your husband. And especially that it makes it hard for you when you need help, the only people he asks are those who don't particularly think great of you. I hope you guys can get this resolved. Good luck chica!

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