Sunday, February 27, 2011

coach (not the purses)

It occurs to me that my blog followers must think I am some kind of angry bitch these days, because lately every blog post is just me griping and complaining. I think this is because I use this blog as an outlet when life just sucks.

I have no desire to censor myself here, so you will always get my honest feelings. BUT, I am going to make an effort to blog when I'm in a GOOD mood, too.  I mean, good things happen in my life, too. (just not as much good these days as I'd like, of course.)

So, one cool thing going on right now is Knucklehead's basketball season.  He's in fifth grade this year, playing in a league with fifth and sixth graders....but the week he would have started practice, the parent who had signed up to coach the team had to step down due to work commitments.  Knucklehead's team was coach-less.  My first instinct was to step up and volunteer to coach this team, but there is one small thing taking up all my time these days: Bobblehead.  He's five months old and just beginning to get mobile, so there is just NO WAY that I can coach this basketball team

(or so I thought)

My awesome friend Regina, another Marine Wife, stepped up and offered to coach if someone would help her - so, yeah, my hand shot up!  We're co-coaching the Division III Thunder, and so far LOVING it!  Last night we played our first game, and WE WON!!!!! Awesome game, too: 35-33 final score after DOUBLE OVERTIME.  The coach for the other team is a seasoned coach, we've faced him in four previous seasons (back when I was 'just a mom' and not a coach ha ha ha) and he actually COMPLIMENTED Regina and me last night on our coaching!

Now, to clarify one thing: I have NO IDEA what I am doing with the whole coaching thing, and honestly Regina is winging it, too.  But at least she played ball all the way through high school and a year in college.  I have not actually played since JUNIOR HIGH. More than 20 years ago.  Yes, I am old.

My dad has coached high school basketball off and on for the past 30 years, and he sat in on a practice the other night, as well as last night's game, to give me some pointers.  Gotta say, Dad really knows his stuff! I am super excited for the next practice, but even MORE excited for the next game.

I can't believe I am a COACH!!!!!


Saturday, February 26, 2011

speaking of LABELS

I've been a very very VERY bad blogger.....

It has been nearly a year since I started this blog, and I keep putting off 'organizing' my posts using labels or tags.  I finally started labeling old posts the other night, and should have it DONE in the next day or two sometime - trying to make sure related posts are easy to locate.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

song linkup - Come Back To Me

The lovely Amber over at Goodnight Moon is hosting a cool linkup today - she's asking us to choose a song that we're listening to or identifying with right now.  Cool, huh?  Join in!  Click the link above to visit her blog and link up. 

For now, this is one of my current top favorite songs, for reasons that should be obvious if you read my blog.  Of course, the main reason I love this song is that its by Depeche Mode, my all-time favorite band.

Here are the lyrics for the song:

Come back, come back to me

I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently

I've been walking a thin white line
Between love and hate
I could use a little company
A little kindness go a long way

Weeks turn into months
Months turn into years
Reaching the same conclusions
Gathering up the fear

Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently

I've been walking a thin white line
Between love and hate
I could use a little company
A little kindness go a long way

Weeks turn into months
Months turn into years
Reaching the same conclusions
Gathering up the fear

Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me

I've been waiting here patiently

Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
Come back, come back to me

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


At this point, I don't know if labels even matter, but if they do, then I think hubby's "issues" definitely fall under the category of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

I wish I could accurately capture and write down the exact changes in him, but I can't.  He's just NOT himself since he got home in December.  He is full of anxiety, and now severe depression.  He can't fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning, even with a little pharmacuetical help.  (This is a guy who I used to openly ENVY for his ability to fall asleep literally THE MINUTE his head hit the pillow every night). 

I know I already wrote about his lack of libido - that part is still killing me, but I am learning not to take it so personally.  Doesn't make me feel any less lonely, though.  I seriously miss having some connection to him, you know?  When we do have sex, there is no passion there, none of the real excitement that we used to have - none of the spark.  Sometimes I think I'd rather go completely celibate than have him just 'go through the motions' like that.

It's impossible to go anywhere with him - if I drive, he is snapping at me within minutes about how I should brake sooner, or later, or I better speed up so I don't miss the next light.  It's nerve-wracking. If he drives, we can't go three miles without him cursing at random drivers - or at the super-slow traffic light, or whatever else is getting on his nerves (which is everything).

Crowds make him BEYOND jumpy.  He carries his service sidearm everywhere - completely legal since he has his sheriff's badge with him at all times - but I see him reaching for it almost for comfort when he sees someone or something that makes him uncomfortable in the middle of, say, Costco.  Or CHURCH. To others, it probably just looks like he is adjusting his pants or his belt, but I know what he's doing.

He's always been hyper-vigilant (has to sit with his back to the wall in a restaurant, has to be able to see the entrances and exits, etc) because of his other job in law enforcement (and I think because of his personality). But now it is really ridiculous.  Bordering on OCD.  He used to pull the handle of the car door to double check that it was really locked after he hit the lock button on the little remote - now he has to check ALL FOUR DOORS.  Every time.  It's painful for me to even watch. I mean, I am all for him being careful, but this is just....well, for lack of a better word, this is just crazy.

I hesitate to use the word 'crazy' because I take mental illness very seriously - several forms of it run in my family, including bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia.  I myself have battled clinical depression for more than ten years now, and in the past few years have also struggled with some serious anxiety - complete with panic attacks.  Fun stuff, right?  As tormented as I have been over the years, I don't think my insanity comes anywhere close to the pain my hubby is in now - and I feel so helpless!  There is nothing I can do to help him right now, other than stick it out - no matter how much he hurts me with his reclusive behavior.

I've begged him to talk to someone, and initially he refused, saying he was 'dealing with some issues' and wanted to do it on his own.  I finally pointed out a few weeks ago that he's just taking too long - its not fair to his family to ask us to wait indefinitely while he deals with his issues.  He agreed to see a counselor, but has yet to actually DO it.

I love this man, and I pray he returns to some version of his pre-deployment self SOON.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Enchilada Bake

I finally got around to
posting my recipe for
Enchilada Bake,
it's over on The Wifey Blogs.
You can find it HERE
While you're there,
have a look around,
and say hello to the
other Wifey contributors!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Milspouse Friday FIll-in (LATE)

OK I am a day late on this one, but wanted to participate for my first time.

This fill-in is in its 30th week, all thanks to Wife of a Sailor (check her out!)

1. What is your favorite MilSpouse blog (not including Wife of a Sailor who we all love, or your own)?

I follow lots of great ones (see my blogroll on the right) but I think my favorite has to be Goodnight Moon written by the lovely Amber. She makes me laugh on a regular basis, and I LOVE her honesty (scroll back to the entries she posted last summer, detailing her mommy makeover - WITH PICTURES). I heart her!

2. What are your favorite perks about your s/o being deployed (we all know there are perks)?

I have to say, the best part about deployment is I GET TO HOLD THE REMOTE CONTROL.  Ha ha ha not really, but since hubby returned from deployment #3 a couple months ago, I can't escape how different our taste in T.V. & movies is.......maybe we were both more tolerant of each other's choices before or something? I am a typical girl, and he is SUCH a guy!  I can't believe I went 7 1/2 months without watching the history channel, the military channel, or random snippets of action movies. (yes, hubby is an avid CHANNEL SURFER)

3. How long did you date your husband before getting engaged? Married?
We started dating in 1997, got engaged 2 years later, and finally got married in 2002.

4. What do you think your husband would do if he wasn’t in the military?

This is an easy one, since my hubby is a reservist.  His civilian career (AKA his 'real job') is in Law Enforcement.  He's been a cop for 14 years, and will continue with that career long after he retires from the Corps.

5. If you could talk to the Secretary of (fill in your appropriate branch) what is one suggestion you would like to bring to their attention in order to improve the lives of military families?
I think emphasis on family readiness would help a lot, but I also wish there was less RED TAPE, less beaurocracy involved in everything USMC.  I can not even BEGIN to tell you how hard it was to add baby Bobblehead to the DEERS system for Tricare (thank God we have REAL insurance through hubby's real job!) I understand there is rampant fraud that necessitates the high standard of proof before receiving benefits, but there HAS to be some way to make these services more accessible to the families who really do deserve (and need) them.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Valentine's fail

I have been waiting all week to write this post, procrastinating, hoping it would become unnecssary/untrue.

I am BEYOND pissed that my husband did ZILCH for me for Valentine's Day this year.  He is depressed, and I do understand how debilitating depression can be - but DANG!  He asked me weeks ago what I wanted for V-day, and I told him all I really wanted was a DATE with him. Dinner, and maybe a movie that does not involve zombies or aliens or gratuitously bloody shootouts. 

By last week, it had become apparent that having MIL come over to babysit for said date was going to create more stress than it was worth, so I gave up on the idea of a date, and told hubby that instead I would like an gift card so I can buy some new e-books for my Kindle.  That night (Friday - three days BEFORE V-day) he told me that whatever I was going to get for V-day would probably be late.  I joked about it, saying, "so, in other words, no different than the last dozen or so Valentine's Days".... he didn't appreciate my humor, but that was he end of discussion.

The next day (Saturday) my friend/neighbor/babysitter texted me to offer to babysit for free that night if we wanted to go out on a date.  I was SO excited to tell hubby, who rudely shrugged it off.  So, no date.

I was bummed, but kept my chin up anyway.  Monday rolled around, and I kind of HOPED he would pull himself out of his funk and go shopping for SOME kind of gift for me.  That never happened. 

Here it is Friday, four days after Valentine's Day, and still NOTHING - even though he HAS been into town a few times in the past couple of days, and he HAS shopped on amazon this week (for himself).

I feel forgotten again.


Should I say anything to him?  I am worried that the resentment will build (& explode) if I don't speak up.  But I am also worried that anything I say will be misunderstood and will lead to a nasty argument.

Its not about THINGS, or how much money he spends, etc.  It's about being an afterthought, a shadow in the background.  I really NEEDED, now more than ever, for him to show me that I matter to him - that he thinks of me and loves me. 

Seriously, not even a freaking CARD????

Am I wrong to feel so hurt about this?

Monday, February 14, 2011


My husband asks some really DUMB questions sometimes, but this one takes the cake.

I have been SO overwhelmed by stress lately, and finally got to sit down with him yesterday and tell him how I felt, and I proposed a solution: I want to QUIT my ridiculously part-time job.  It has never been worth the money, especially now that I have to pay for babysitting.  I literally make less than $100/month after I pay the babysitter (and she is working for next-to-nothing!)  But the money isn't the reason I want to quit - it's the stress.  Every freaking morning I have to wake up early so I can pump breastmilk for the baby, and nurse him, and get us all out the door on time for my AM crossing guard shift.  It takes me TWO hours to get ready for a ONE hour shift, and the whole time I am there I am stressing about getting back to the baby (*working mommies, how do you DO it?*) 

Now, my breastpump is the manual kind, for 'occasional' use, and I find I have to pump with every feeding to keep my supply up so I have some to send in a bottle to the babysitter each day.  Sometimes the baby needs the bottle, sometimes he doesn't.  But I am having trouble keeping my supply up for this, and am SICK AND TIRED of the hand cramps and callouses that come from using this manual pump 5 or 6 times a day, only to discover that I can't even get an OUNCE of milk at a time sometimes.  Beyond frustrating.  So, yesterday when hubby heard ignored my pleas, I told him that if I am going to
keep working then I need an electric breast pump - minimum $130.  He didn't say yes or no to that one, but definitely shot down my idea of quitting.


So, this morning after my shift, I came home and made hubby breakfast in bed (yes, his lazy ass was STILL in bed at 10 AM by the time I finished cooking this awesome meal for him!) Baby Bobblehead was getting fussy, so I took hubby his food then sat down to nurse the baby.  Hubby came downstairs to witness the I-don't-want-to-take-a-nap tantrum that Bobblehead throws a couple times a day, and then asked me why the baby is so cranky lately.  I told him I think the baby senses my stress, and hubby asked me the DUMBEST question ever:

"What could you possibly have to be stressed about?"

REALLY???? Seriously????

He is lucky he had already eaten his heart-shaped breakfast, because otherwise I might have dumped the damned plate in his lap.

Happy f-ing Valentine's Day, you insensitive jerk!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

domestic un-goddess

I know I am going crazy when I CLEAN, without being nagged to do it.  I hate housework, because it is never really DONE, you know?  The perpetual nature of dishes, laundry, insert-least-favorite-chore-here, is enough to make any SANE mommy scream.  And I am not necessarily SANE, right?

I am what they call 'a few sandwiches short of a picnic'.


Lately I feel so alone, even when I am around other people - I feel like no one understands, like I don't CONNECT with anyone.  Like I am on another freaking PLANET.  Its not just depression - there's a lot of anxiety swirling around in my overcrowded mind, too.  I keep feeling earthquakes that are not really happening, and every time I go down the stairs, I stop at the top landing and squeeze my eyes shut to try to block out this horrible vision of me FALLING down the stairs (usually holding the baby). I see and hear things that no one else seems to - I keep waiting for the people around me to react, and when they don't I am reminded once again of just how ALONE I am right now. How CRAZY I am right now.

I can claim to be 'functional' because I get everyone's basic needs met here at home, but in reality I am just going through the motions.  I mean, sure I feel some joy when I am laughing with the baby, and I feel pride when Knucklehead does something amazing, but I don't really FEEL anything in the way that I am used to.  It's like all of my feelings are sort of muted right now.

Does that even make sense?

So, today I caught myself in some really uncharacteristic behavior: CLEANING my kitchen.  Like really deep cleaning it, not just wiping down the section of counter that I was about to use, or anything like that.  My last meltdown culminated in me cleaning the entire house, and as good as it felt to HAVE a clean house, it was miserable to feel so....DRIVEN.  Like someone else was pulling my puppet strings and I had no choice but to clean and scrub. (I actually had a nightmare like that once!)  So, today when I felt that happening again, I made myself sit down and just tune everything out for a few minutes.

I looked around at my *slightly* messy house and tried to compare it with mental pictures of my house BEFORE I lost my mind. (this level of insanity is pretty recent, in case you're wondering.  like in the last 3 or 4 weeks).  And you know what? I'm making this mom gig look freaking EASY.  My house is nowhere near CLEAN at the moment, but it's actually in better shape than usual.  I am more 'caught-up' with laundry than usual.  My dishes are even (mostly) caught up.  I think I've accomplished all of this by sacrificing sleep, and THAT, my friends, is truly crazy.  And can CAUSE more crazy, in my opinion.

So, tonight, in an effort to find what little bit of sanity I may have left, I am IGNORING the messy house (like I always used to!) and am going to bed early.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Tweet much?

OK I realize I am pretty late in the game here, but today I finally created a twitter account. Now does anyone know how to put a 'follow' link here on my blog so my blog followers can follow me on twitter?

For now, if you want to add me I am @deploymentagain

(now I just need something interesting to tweet about!)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Military Monday Bloghop

I have not participated in a blog-hop in awhile, and found out about this one through the lovely Amber over at Goodnight Moon.  She was spotlighted for today on Marine Parents.

So, just want to introduce myself to my (potential) new followers, and say Thanks for stopping by if you came from the hop!  If you are not here because of the blog-hop, maybe you should link up and join in?

I should have a 'real' post again by tomorrow, and I already have a cool one scheduled for tomorrow over at The Wifey Blogs where I am a regular contributor. 

Today's blog post can be summed up in two words:


*New followers, please feel free to leave a comment with your blog link so I can follow you back!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Make-up sex!

We have a loooooong way to go, but it looks like at least hubby and I are back on the bumpy road of marriage again. Even better, we're both facing in the same direction, ready to 'keep moving forward'.

Hubby has agreed to go see a counselor, and we had the BEST time apologizing to each other in bed. ;) I have to remind myself we're getting old, though. I did something to my knee while 'changing positions' and now have a hard time climbing the stairs! Ha ha ha.

I'm cautiously optimistic about the outcome of this.....and starting to feel a little better about my meltdown, because without it we might still be where we've been for weeks: miserable and lonely, and unwilling/unable to do anything about it.

Friday, February 4, 2011

That did not go well.

Finally had a confrontation with hubby about this insanity and.....

He's leaving.

I hope he gets some help (I start therapy for me next week).

I hope I can welcome him home with open arms if/when he's ready to come back.

But, in all honesty:

More than anything I am so fucking RELIEVED that I don't have to pretend any more!

I feel like such a fucking failure right now, but at least now I am not a FAKE failure. Now I can be the genuine article.

No bullshit.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I am so freaking angry right now, it hurts. Literally HURTS.


I've been hanging by a thread for awhile now, and no amount of pretending can save me from the inevitable fall that will happen when my grip gives out.

Which honestly could happen any time now.

Maybe even today.

This anger is just going to eat away at me until I let it all out. I desperately want to let it out here, in blogland, where I feel safe. But I think it is only fair to Hubby that I talk this out with him first, since he is the one I feel like killing.

Yes, I am mad at my husband. Surprised? You shouldn't be! Read back through my blog, you'll see what I mean.

While I try to figure out a way to express this anger, I feel like complete shit, and I think I am having a panic attack. Or a heart attack.

Either way, getting mad freaking hurts. I don't like this.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Mommy meltdown.

I am pretty sure I am having some sort of nervous breakdown.

My kids all hate me.  Well, not the baby.  Not yet, anyway.  I could probably cope with the kids hating me, if I at least knew where things stand with Hubby.  But I don't.  So I can't.

This past weekend I finally could not contain the crazy any more.  I freaking LOST it.

I screamed, cried, and went into what could only be described as a manic episode.  The result was a REALLY clean house (but please don't ask me to find anything specific, because I may or may not have put away things that don't necessarily have an assigned 'home').

Oh yeah, and I think I scared the crap out of my hubby.

I still don't think he really gets just how much I am hurting, or how much HE could be helping me here, but I do think he at least gets how CRAZY I am right now. 

I don't know if this will bring about change for the better, or change for the worse, or maybe it won't change ANYTHING.  But I wasn't trying to change anything - I was only reacting. 

I was trying to express the fear, anger, despair, and loneliness that has defined the past several weeks of my life.

Not my finest moment, to be sure.
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