Wednesday, April 27, 2011

music linkup, week 10!!!

This weekly music linkup is getting harder and harder for me to narrow down to ONE song. (That's why I am posting one here, and one over on my baby blog.  HA HA)

If you want to join in, go visit Amber at Goodnight Moon and link up with us.

This may or may not make you laugh, but there are just certain songs that make me FEEL good.  Sometimes for the melody, sometimes for the lyrics, sometimes for the beat, and SOMETIMES just for the memories we associate with those songs.

I think I was 13 years old when I first fell in love with the Top Gun Soundtrack.

(insert laughter here, if so inclined)

Seriously, I remember playing it ALL SUMMER, memorizing all the songs.  Of course my favorite had to be 'Playing With The Boys' but that's not the one I've been using to boost my mood this week.  Instead, please enjoy......

(drumroll please......)

 "DANGER ZONE" by Kenny Loggins.

And yes, my other song choice this week is ALSO by Kenny Loggins, but from a very different kind of movie. You can check out that post HERE if you missed it in Amber's linkup.

Squash it like a bug, or give it CPR?

My new viral video linkup is only in its fourth week and already seems to have fizzled out. When I decided to start the weekly linkup I pictured at least ten or 15 of you joining in on a regular basis, but have only gotten 3 or 4 participants so far.

This week, NO ONE linked up.

So I wanna know, why not???

Is it because you are already posting to other Memes/linkups on Sunday & Mondays? Or maybe just because we all got so busy with Easter? 

Please post a comment if you have an opinion on this, either way - I need to decide whether to kill it or maybe try to revive it.  I can change it to a different day, if that means more of you will join in.  I can leave the link open for 3 days instead of 2, if that makes a difference. 

Should it be monthly instead of weekly?  I figure there is enough viral video content out there for us to all post DAILY and still not necessarily repeat anything.  :)

Just not sure....

I was really enjoying it, especially since I made some new 'friends' through the linkup - and I thought you all would, too!

Speak up now, let me know which way YOU want me to go, because the linkup was supposed to be for YOU, my readers/followers/stalkers. 


(BTW my follower count has been bouncing around between 148 and 149 for a few weeks now...I would gain a follower, then lose one?? Last night it finally got up to 150!  YAY!)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

April picture post

I'm still recovering from a really bad cold, so blogging is low on my priority list.  Since I don't have time to write much, this seems the perfect time for another PICTURE post!

Here's a little of what we've been up to here:

We 'faked' pictures of Bobblehead crawling for April Fools Day

I made my first ever batch of CAKE BALLS (and loved them)

Bobblehead started stealing my food....I have not FINISHED an apple in at least two weeks.

Bonehead got all dressed up for Easter

.....And so did Bobblehead
(somehow I didn't get any pictures of Knucklehead all dressed up)

Bobblehead loves hanging out with Daddy

Ahhhhhh. My happy place!  This winery is near my home, and I LOVE IT here!

This is one of the reasons I love this winery so much: beautiful setting, and a peaceful creek that runs along the picnic/playground area.  Oh yeah, a child-friendly winery is what every mommy needs!

Living near the wineries means we see a lot of these in the early mornings, but they usually don't LAND right by the elementary school!

The day before Easter I woke up with HIVES all over my body.  The cause? STRESS.  The cure? WINE.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


OK if you're new here, or if you have just been 'zoning' the past three weekends, I'm hosting this viral video linkup EVERY Sunday/Monday.

I leave the link up until Midnight Monday night (Pacific time) so that anyone who wants to participate has PLENTY of time.

Follow the links at the bottom to see other posts, and to add yours, just post it on your blog and come back here to link up! Don't forget to link back to my blog in your own post.

I can't wait to see what videos are on your minds this week.  I have several, but this one is definitely on the top of my list:

Weird Al does some pretty good spoof songs, and I am an absolute sucker for such silliness.  I grew up in a tiny nowhere town (If you've been stationed at "The Stumps" then you know what I am talking about, my hometown is close to the base) and we only had two radio stations: one played 'oldies' and the other played current tunes...and on Sunday nights it aired a syndicated comedy radio show called "THE DOCTOR DEMENTO SHOW".  Stupid comedy at its very finest.  I used to wait for that show every bit as much as anyone today waits for their reality TV addictions these days.  I ate that crap up, seriously!

Anyway, the only thing I like more than a silly parody is a stop-motion video made with LEGO!  I am floored that someone took the time to do this.....and even more, am floored that there are thousands of LEGO videos like this online.  This one is extra funny, because my hubby IS totally 'white and nerdy', and frankly, so am I.  Even better, Knucklehead heard this song yesterday and spent the entire afternoon re-playing it on YouTube so he could memorize the lyrics.  I can't wait to get some sneaky mom video of Knucklehead lip-synching to this one.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Goodnight Moon's MUSIC linkup, week 9

WOW, nine weeks already that we've been having this fantastic dance party?


If you haven't linked up yet, go check out Amber's page, GOODNIGHT MOON, and join the party!

I've had this song in my head all week this week, and I don't know WHY.

It's from the play, "Phantom of the Opera", which hubby took me to see in L.A. a loooooong time ago, back when we were just dating.  I absolutely loved the play, and truly loved my man for surprising me with those tickets, even though I HATE surprises. (hint to any guys reading this: if you are ever dating a single mom and want to take her on a surprise date, MAKE SURE THE BABYSITTER GETS THE DETAILS one way or another!) Seriously surprised me though, because he is not into musical theater at all, and when he asked me out on this date, all he said was, 'wear something nice'.  Nice?  What the hell does that mean?  Like church-nice?  Job-interview-nice?  Ballgown-nice?  Of course, it didn't really matter - there were people there in jeans, and people there in cocktail dresses, and everything in between.  I'm pretty sure no one even noticed my simple black skirt and basic button-up blouse.

I had never been to a 'real' theater before, and the Pantages Theater did not disappoint.  I've been back a couple times (most recently to see 'Wicked' in 2006) but will never forget seeing Phantom there. Talk about an amazing night!

square one.

Lately things have been REALLY up-and-down.  More than usual.  We've had some rough days and some good days, and a WHOLE LOTTA 'blah' days.

Hubby's most recent 'episode' got me really in a funk and I've been trying to pull myself out of it for a couple days. (I don't know if episode is the right word, but I don't know what else to call it when he zones about responsibilities and throws all his time and energy into things that seem unimportant to me...but he is just DRIVEN to do them...even to the detriment of others or himself)

It doesn't help that I am caring for a super-sick baby, who was nice enough to cough and sneeze all over me, so now I am sick, too. (why did I even BOTHER with a clean shirt this morning???)

The good thing about having a sick baby is that he wants to be held constantly right now.  Not very good for getting anything DONE around the house, but good because I just love snuggling him.  And holding him makes it pretty hard to type anything, so I have been catching up on READING everyone else's blogs instead of just logging on, getting my rant out, and then logging back off.  Sometimes I have to be reminded to just shut up and listen, you know?  I've been slacking on the 'reading' part of this blog-relationship that I have with you all.

Anyway, I saw a post from a milspouse who just started a deployment, and she wrote about saying goodbye to her hubby.  I started thinking back to the 'goodbye' I had with my hubby last year....the last time I saw him as himself.  That probably sounds overly dramatic to someone who has not lived with the mental/emotional issues we're dealing with right now, but from my point of view, it's pretty darned accurate.  He literally has not been 'himself' for even a single day since he returned over four months ago.  There is more and more of him coming through all the time, but it's still not HIM. (yet)

So I went back through my own archives and started reading this blog from the beginning.  I tried to read it from his perspective - how would he react to this statement, or would he see me differently or judge me for revealing that weakness?  As I got to the part, almost a year ago now, where I said goodbye to him, I realized something shocking.  Call it an epiphany, or a paradigm shift, or a litghtbulb moment.

I saw, through my own blog, that I have not been myself in a long time, either!  I can't pinpoint exactly when I changed, but I am definitely starting to sort out the old me from the new me, and to identify things I like and don't like about the new me. (if you missed yesterday's post, I definitely DON'T like the new BITCHY side of me).

Now I feel like this knowledge about the changes in ME is somehow the 'key' to getting US back..... if only I can locate the darned lock.

Going back to the beginning of this blog was just the catalyst for me to now go back to the VERY beginning.  When we met, when we started dating, when I proposed (yeah, that's right *I* proposed to him).  When we had Knucklehead, and when we finally made it legit by getting married when Knucklehead was two.  When we bought this house.  When we nearly gave up on this marriage a couple years ago, and when we miraculously found each other again.  THERE...somewhere in that timeframe, when we had our second 'beginning', that has to be where I can find the secret to getting us back.  We've done it before, and while it was HELLISH, I know we're strong enough to do it again.

I don't want to revisit that pain, but it might be the only way to get through this new pain we're suffering from every day.  So, as I work through some of this (can't WAIT to tell my therapist about this 'breakthrough'!) I may or may not do some flashback blogging.  Might share some of this painful story with you all.  Please bear with me if I do, because it is not an easy story to tell......

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I am SUCH a bitch!

Sorry for the language, but I really don't think a 'kinder' word would be appropriate here.

It came to light this morning, after a conversation with my friend, that I am WAITING for my husband to fail so I can rant and rave and go all 'psycho-bitch' on him.

Yeah, seriously.

See, my birthday is coming up in a couple weeks, and Hubby does not have a very good track record there.  Last year was the first time *EVER* that I not only received a really nice gift from him (my iPad) but received it ON TIME.  He's just not good about things like that - at least not WITH ME.  Certain other people get realy nice gifts ON TIME every year from him, but I guess I just don't rate.  This is why I was so pissed about Valentine's Day this year, because I really needed him to put in a little extra effort, and instead got even LESS effort than usual. In fact his only acknowledgement of the holiday at all was to give me an empty excuse a few days ahead, his usual, "whatever I get you for Valentine's Day is going to be late".  Well, here I am over two months later, and STILL no token of his undying love for me.  Not even a card.

Yeah, I feel loved. *ahem* NOT.

So, I was talking with a girlfriend this morning, and she asked me what I asked Hubs to get me for my birthday.  I told her if he has ANY sense in his head he will check out my wishlist, but that I honestly doubt he will even REMEMBER my birthday.  Then I told her (somewhat gleefully, though I am ashamed to admit that) that I am HOPING he forgets......and then we both cackled like witches and joked about all the ways I can hurt him back if that happens.


I never knew I could be so horrible!  The crap that came spewing out of my mouth this morning in this stupid hypothetical-revenge brainstorming session was worthy of a trashy reality TV show....."Heartless Bitches and the Men They Torture" or some such nonsense.  It would get huge ratings, just for the train-wreck factor; you would flip through the channels and this show would come on and you would NOT be able to look away, no matter how horrifying.  Like Toddlers & Tiaras.

Anyway, now that I realize what a complete and utter Bitch I have become, what should I do about it? I mean, I fully believe that the main reason Hubby tends to be so careless/thoughtless with me is because I let him, but I feel like I should at least give the poor guy a chance...maybe send him an email with the link to my Amazon wishlist? Or perhaps throw a post-it note reminder on his calendar to note my birthday?

What would you do?

**edit: I just re-read this, and it might come across that I want/expect some kind of perfect gift - this is NOT the case.  I would literally be thrilled with a thoughtful card, or a list of ten things he loves about me, or whatever. Its the THOUGHT that counts, seriously.**

Monday, April 18, 2011

another meltdown

Last night SUCKED.  We're still getting over it, actually.

I had pre-made an enchilada bake for dinner, and I put it in the oven to warm for a few minutes before church, figuring I could turn the oven off as we walked out the door and it would continue warming while we were gone.  (We go to church Sunday evenings) At the last minute I found out that hubby was not going with us, so I set a timer for half an hour, and asked hubby to listen for it and turn it off.

No problem, right?

Well when I got home from church the house smelled kind of.....scorched.  I expected to pull this out of the oven:

But instead I found that hubby had already removed THIS from the oven:

I may or may not have cried.....and eventually may or may not have yelled at hubby, using some very colorful language.

Oh yeah, did I mention that my father-in-law was here for the whole debacle? Fortunately I had all the fixings for tacos, so we had a yummy (late) dinner. 

NOT a good night. 

To make things worse, my attempt at an apology for losing my temper only caused hubby to lose HIS temper, so we fought for over an hour after everyone was in bed.  I'm pretty sure FIL heard every word.

It's amazing how something as simple stupid as not turning off the oven can ruin everyone's night.  And since hubby left for work this morning for the week, it kinda ruined our whole week.

**edit: I failed to mention that the reason hubby did not hear the timer is that he went outside and got distracted by the weeds, which he then went manic on....and when he came back through the garage he noticed bird poop on his new car, so of course he HAD to wash the car, right then and there. SIGH.**

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Viral Video linkup, WEEK 3

I can't believe we've already reached WEEK THREE of this linkup! I am loving sharing videos, and so far the bloggers who have linked up have all shared AWESOME new (to me) videos!

This week I have been thinking back to when my hubby and I got engaged (I proposed to HIM, not the other way around).  Of course most of us don't have video of our marriage proposals, but this guy does, courtesy of CBS!

I am also completely ADDICTED to The Price Is Right.  Or was, at least, until I had this baby.  I've been in the audience 17 times, trying to get onstage.  When I took my mom and a bunch of her crazy friends for her birthday, she got called down!  Three other times that I have taken groups down (two groups of milspouses and one group of teachers) one of my girls got called down - and only one of them won their bid to get onstage.

There is no theme for this linkup, just whatever 'moves' you.  Something silly, something sad, something incredible/impossible, whatever.  THAT BEING SAID, IF YOU ARE AT A LOSS for an idea of what to share, answer one of these questions and find a video that goes with it:

1. What was your marriage proposal like?
2. What are you 'addicted' to?  Guilty pleasure?
To join in, just post a video on your blog, then come back here and link up! The linky tool stays open until 11:59 PM Monday night (Pacific time).

Thanks in advance for sharing - I can't wait to see what you all have this week.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Last Sunday night/early Monday morning we were all shocked with the blog post by
Jessica on {mis}adventures of an army wife.

This morning Jessica's parents posted this message, so I am passing it along to anyone who might be interested in sending Jess a little cheer:


To all the wonderful people who responded to Jessica on her "Misadventures of an Army WIfe" blog,

Tom and I want to thank all of you for the kind words you have posted on Jessica's blog. Jessica is currently in the hospital for an unknown lenght of stay and will require continued therapy afterwards. I was able to vist with her for about 1 1/2 hours on Thursday, 14 April, and she is starting to realize her actions last week as well as the events that led to her depression and suicide attempt. I did print out all your comments from her blog and was able to give her a hardcopy.

One of Jessica's friends had a great idea that Tom and I are following up Easter Basket filled with notes and cards of encouragement, empathy, stories, understanding or good 'ole humor! If we could be so bold to the virtual community, we would like to ask you to send your thoughts, notes, cards, etc. to the P.O. Box below that we have now estabished:

P.O. Box 292138
Columbia, SC 29229

I will gather them into an Easter Basket of Cheer for Jessica this week to continue to let her know she is not alone nor are the events she experienced isolated to just her.

Please do not send gifts or money....just your words of encouragement and prayers.

Please let the word spread.....

Thanks again to all you,

-- From the parents of Jessica....Tom in NM and now Sue in SC

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Music Linkup, week 8

Have you linked up with Amber at Goodnight Moon yet?

This week's music post is dedicated to Jessica, over at {Mis}Adventures of an Army Wife.  If you missed the story earlier this week, Jessica has been struggling with some serious emotional trauma, and she made plans to take her own life & wrote a goodbye post/AKA suicide letter on her blog.  Thankfully she *IS* alive and getting help, and we are all praying she will make a full recovery.

Since we've opened the topic of Suicide, I have an interesting story to tell...but go ahead and click 'play' first so you can enjoy this song while you read:

If you've kept up with my blog, you know that my husband returned from deployment four months ago, and has not been himself ever since.  I am pretty sure he has PTSD, but he refuses to get diagnosed/treated.  About 3 1/2 weeks ago, he received a phone call out of the blue from a former colleague - a guy he hasn't seen in at least 8 years, maybe more like 10 years.  This friend asked my hubby to put together a funeral detail for other words, the guy was suicidal.  They talked on the phone for HOURS (odd for my hubs because he hates talking on the phone) and by the time they hung up, his friend was feeling better, and agreed to call and check in with Jarhead the next day.  They've talked a few more times since then, and his friend seems to have a better perspective on things now.

The significant part about this incident is not that hubby talked him down; it is that, within a few hours after that initial phone call, I began to see little bits of *MY HUSBAND* showing through.  Somehow, being needed (by someone besides me or the kids) seemed to really pull him out of his shell.  Or maybe it was a 'mirror' for hubby, who had hinted at some suicidal thoughts of his own a few weeks earlier.  Perhaps he didn't like what he saw in that 'mirror' and was suddenly motivated to change?

Either way, it has brought about some serious changes here. 

We are still not in the clear, but hubby (finally) returned to work later that week, after three months of being at home.  [he is a reservist, and his civilian employer encouraged him to burn through some of his accrued vacation time before coming back to work, since it will be tough to get any vacation approved now that he is back on the schedule].  He started working out at the gym every day, like he used to.  He even jokes around with me sometimes, the way he used to.  The intimacy thing has gotten a little better, too. 

We still have a long way to go, but I am cautiously optimistic about the outcome now.  I have felt so lost and alone through this whole process, and so many times I myself was feeling hopeless and helpless, and had those awful dark thoughts, imagining what it would be like to end it all. 

Now I have more hope,
and am SO HAPPY
that I found the strength to
"Hold on for one more day"
a hundred or so times.

If you are also in that dark, desolate place that Jessica is fighting her way back from, PLEASE, just hold on.  Call someone, maybe even someone you haven't talked to in years.  If nothing else, EMAIL ME and we can exchange numbers and talk about it.  You are NEVER truly alone.

Hold on for one more day.

being a 'fat girl'...

Last week I wrote (finally) about my weight issues.

Being fat is it's own punishment for all the bad eating habits & physical laziness, and yet sometimes it seems the world is trying to punish me for being fat, anyway.

Attractive clothing in FAT sizes is impossible to find. Not just difficult, IMPOSSIBLE.  Who decided that fat women should wear huge bright floral prints everywhere?  Not only does this make me feel even FATTER, but it is as far as you could possibly get from my personal style!  And this "small, medium, large" system we have is an absolute JOKE.  Even in most size 2X or 3X stuff I look like someone poured me in and forgot to say 'when'.

Oh, and bras? For fat girls? Yeah, RIGHT! Even at the fat-girl stores (my favorite is Lane Bryant) they don't carry bras in my size...currently 38H. Yeah, I said H, as in HOLY SHIT THOSE ARE HUGE!

Movie theater seats.  The kind that DON'T have that armrest that you can push up out of the way.  Once I find out that a certain movie theater has those kinds of seats, I make sure never to go back there.  The 'Bob Barker Studio' at CBS, where they film The Price Is Right, has the old fashioned theater seats.  I've attended 17 tapings there, and only the last couple times did I have a little trouble getting out of my seat every time the audience was supposed to stand up. I desperately want to go back and try at least ONE MORE TIME to be on the show, when Bobblehead is a little older (it's an all-day thing and I can't be away from him for more than a couple hours these days) but my weight will keep me away until I can drop a SIGNIFICANT amount of it.

Those turnstile-thingies that you have to walk through to enter an amusement park or train station, etc. ENOUGH SAID.

Amusement park rides.

Restaurant booths!

Baseball stadium seating, airline seating, or any other public place where strangers are expected to sit butt-to-butt in a space barely adequate for an 'average sized' adult.

If you've never BEEN a fat girl, then you probably don't know about the many (MANY) physically uncomfortable and even painful 'side effects' of being fat.  For instance, I have fat rolls that stick together when I sweat (which is nearly always, because this extra insulation keeps my body temperature abnormally high).  The sticking together isn't painful, but the 'peeling apart' when I have to adjust my position in my airline seat so that I am not overflowing onto the passenger next to me, for instance. For me, this particular problem is at its worst when I am trying to go to sleep, and I toss and turn and try to get comfortable in bed.  You know how the surface of the water ripples when you toss a pebble into it?  Well my body, with all its fat rolls, has its own ripple effect.  If I move one part of my body, I have now shoved fat rolls against other fat rolls, and at some point I am somehow chafing or pinching myself - simply because I tried to adjust the angle of my damned PILLOW!  Then there's the extra strain on my joints, and the shortness of breath when I have to climb the stairs, etc. 

Probably the most painful thing about being fat is the way I look in pictures.  Somehow, the whole mirror thing is easier to handle...I either avert my eyes, or I conjure up memories of my thinner/healthier self, and I just don't SEE the reality in front of me.  Some kind of self-protective denial?  But in photographs, there is no way to play any tricks with what is already staring me (and everyone else) in the face.  I see myself in a picture and go, "WOW, do I really LOOK like that????" 

So, yeah, I avoid cameras as much as I can.  That being said, I am about to get REALLY brave and post some real, honest, RAW pictures for you all to see.....I feel like I should post some kind of disclaimer or warning or something here, but can't think of what to say.  Just, view at your own risk, I guess.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Her final goodbye???

Does anyone out there know Jessica from {mis}adventures of an army wife?

Her blog indicates that she committed suicide a couple days ago.

I don't know her in real life, but am so distraught over this.

I'm praying, as many other people are, that she scheduled that blog post and then didn't get a chance to take it down, but is still alive.

If anyone knows what's going on, please comment here or email me directly.

You can read her sad post HERE.
And, if you are reading this and it resonates with you because you have been contemplating suicide, PLEASE don't do it! You are never truly alone, even if the only 'friend' you can turn to is a virtual friend, here in blogland. Heck, if nothing else, email ME and we can talk.

And Jessica, if you are reading this and are still alive, please know that you ARE worth do have a future, a life, friends, all of it. Just maybe not in the ways you thought you had before.

Video Linkup, WEEK 2

OK if you missed this last week, I hope you come join us this time!  This will be up every Sunday, and I am leaving it open for 48 hours so you can add it to your Monday posts if you miss it on Sunday.

All you have to do is post your favorite VIRAL VIDEO of the week (from YouTube, etc) and then link up below! 

This week I am posting one that I first saw a few months ago, and it is apparently making a comeback on FaceBook.  My little Baby Bobblehead has mood changes like this with some of our favorite songs, too!

Too cute, right?  Now go post something on your blog, and be sure to link it back here so I can enjoy it with you!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

sleep deprivation

Friday night was certainly not the WORST night I've ever had, but it pretty much SUCKED.

To start with, I was BEYOND tired when I put the baby to bed, and still had to go back downstairs to do dishes. I considered letting them sit overnight, but knew I had too much to do in the morning to add 'dishes' to my list. So I finished the dishes and dragged myself to bed around 10:30, stopping briefly to say goodnight to hubby. Hubby, at that moment, was in the middle of 'lecturing' Bonehead about his laziness, etc. etc. so I knew he would not be joining me in bed any time soon.

I tossed and turned for over an hour, then fell into a light sleep, & immediately had a CRAZY dream about being stalked, which woke me up of course. My dreams are freaking psychotic sometimes. Well, most of the time, actually. Okay, they're ALWAYS like that. Hence the insomnia.

So, I finally drift back to sleep after the crazy dream, and hubby bursts into the room announcing that I might have to take him to the hospital, since Bonehead just stabbed him in the hand with a pencil.


I was seriously confused and asked hubs if he was joking, which got me a rude snort and a bloody hand thrust into my face. Since I was temporarily blinded by the light he had just turned on, it took me a second to focus.

Yep, definitely a bloody hand.

I helped him clean the hand and applied pressure, though it wasn't really actively bleeding. While I played doctor, I tried to get the story out of hubs about what the HECK happened between him and 16 year-old Bonehead, but was stonewalled. I handed him the Neosporin and went to get the story out of Bonehead, but was stonewalled there, too.

This was about 12:30 AM, and I had been *TRYING* to sleep for about two hours, with maybe 15 or 20 minutes of success. So, yeah, I was freaking CRANKY!

I flopped back into bed, and was just falling asleep AGAIN, when hubby climbed into bed next to me. I can't even begin to describe the jealousy I felt when he started snoring literally within a minute of his head hitting his pillow.

So, yeah, I MIGHT have muttered an expletive moments later when Baby Bobblehead woke up hungry. And I may or may not have slammed the baby monitor so hard on my (NEW) nightstand that it left a mark in the wood.

Fast forward to 1:15 AM, baby back in bed, everyone else in the house snoring away, and me...tossing and turning again. I must have fallen asleep by 2:00 because I don't remember any clock-checks past about 1:45. A couple more crazy dreams later, and the @#$%^&%$#@! baby monitor was ordering me to get up AGAIN at 5:00 AM.

Fine, the 5 AM feeding is usually a fast one, at least. USUALLY. This time I sat with Bobblehead for almost an hour, and he was just NOT showing any signs of sleepiness! He nursed, was totally full, and just wanted to PLAY. Normally, I am all about playing with this cute little boy, but on 3-ish hours of sleep, not so much.

I finally brought him back into my bed, hoping to be able to nurse him back to sleep there. Since we have blackout curtains in our room, I was all set to 'sleep in' until my alarm was scheduled to go off at 8:30. Bobblehead slept, Hubby slept, and I DID NOT.

At 7:30 AM, on 3-ish hours of sleep, I finally got up with yet another expletive, and dragged myself into the shower, and started my day. Bobblehead sat in his bouncer-seat in front of the shower, and I am pretty sure he was mocking me.


Have you ever been so sleep deprived that you are just SILLY with it? (think "Momma Dog video" and you know what I mean) Well that was me today, only somehow I managed to be productive anyway. Hey, I even managed to BLOG today! Well, technically it's almost 11 PM, which means I should be sleeping, but hey - plenty of time for sleep when I'm dead, right?

Friday, April 8, 2011

Alpha to Zulu

Have you linked up yet?  This week I am pretty much ALL about linkups, and this one took more time than I had imagined it might. Head on over to Riding the Roller Coaster for more info and to add your own list to the linkup!  Oh, and be sure to check out the other fabulous blogs already linked there. (other linkups to check out: Goodnight Moon's music linkup every Thursday, and my new Viral Video linkup every Sunday/Monday)

You may notice that my list includes a lot of words with negative connotations....if you are new to my blog, you may want to read back over the past, say, three or four months worth of posts and you will see why.  I do love my husband dearly, and I am so proud of him, and proud to be his wife - but PTSD is trying to destroy what's left of our marriage, and while I am fighting just to keep my head above water, it can be tough to be 'positive'.  Add to the mix my own current Post-Partum Depression, and, well, not a whole lot of laughs in this post.  But here it is anyway, enjoy!

Military Life from Alpha to Zulu

Active Duty, Arguments, Afghanistan, Anxiety, ADJUSTING

Bravery, Budget, BLOGGING

Cammies, Cover, Changes, Cell phone, CRYING

Deployment, "Donut of Misery", Drill Weekends, DREAMING

Emotions, E-MAIL

Friends, flexible, FRG, fears, FIGHTING

Gear, Girls' Night, GOODBYES

Head, Homecomings, HOPES

Independence, Invincible, Iraq, INSOMNIA

Jumpy, JERK (sometimes)

KISSES (goodbye and hello!)

Love, Laughter, Loneliness, LIVING

Moto-mail, Marines, MARRIAGE

Notes, NCO's, Nightmares


PTSD, Planning, Phoenetic Alphabet, Phone calls, Prayer

"Quick-fast-and-in-a-hurry!" (Major Payne)

Reintegration/Redeployment, Reality, RISK

Single parenting, Surprises, "Soon", Sweat, SADNESS

Transitioning, Trust, TEARS

Uniforms, Unstable, "Us", UNSTOPPABLE

V.A., Venting, Vibrator? (ha ha ha)

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, WINE (and sometimes WHINE)


Yellow ribbons, YEARS

Zip-ties, ZOLOFT

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Goodnight Moon's SONG LINKUP week 7

Wow, already week SEVEN of Amber's music linkup!  Head on over to her blog, Goodnight Moon to link up!  Even if you decide not to post a song this week, you can check out all the cool songs already linked there.

In the past few weeks, I have found three 'new' (to me, anyway) artists that I LOVE, and several new blogs to follow, all thanks to this cool Linkup. (THANKS AMBER, YOU ROCK!)

So, a couple weeks ago I posted Beyonce's "Ave Maria", which is an awesome song to sing along to.  This week I am posting another twist of this song, by Pink.  "Ave Mary A" is a little different. 

OK, its alot different

I love this song, and sometimes it helps to sing shout along with this one to get me through heavy traffic, or boost my mood, etc.  It's even on my workout playlist on my iPod, because it's got a great beat.

Get a playlist! Get Ringtones
Standalone player

I love the chorus, especially when she says "Help me let go of the chaos around me, the devil that hounds me, I need you to tell me CHILD BE STILL"

Oh, and of course I love Pink's voice.  I think she's f-ing perfect! HA HA HA  (love her new song by that name, but I want to buy the RADIO version so I can listen to sing along with it even if my kids are around.)

Thanks for stopping by, and don't forget to leave me a comment.  It only takes a second, I swear!  I don't even have that annoying captcha feature or anything, so comment away.....

Monday, April 4, 2011

New video LINKUP!

Join me for a new Viral Video linkup!  Since this is the first week, I am leaving this link open until Friday night at midnight, and in the future I will hold this as a two-day linkup, Sunday/Monday every week.

All you have to do to participate is post on your own blog with your favorite viral video of the week, then come back here and linkup!  It can be a funny video, a crazy/impossible video, a how-to video, whatever piqued your interest recently.  Then you can check out the other videos posted, and make sure you leave a little comment love on the blogs you visit through this linkup.

Now, please enjoy the video that got the biggest LAUGHS in my house this week:

OK now go change your pants, and post your own video! (and be sure to come back next week to see what silliness got me through this week!)

nucking futs, part three

OK If you have not read my previous posts, you don't know yet that I am dealing with my own Post-Partum Depression (more like nervous breakdown) and my hubby's undiagnosed/untreated PTSD, as well as caring for an infant, a tween, and the teenager-from-hell.  Oh yeah, and I work part time, and coach a basketball team, and volunteer at church.

CRAZY does not even begin to cover it.

The BIG part of the 'crazy' that I didn't mention in the first two 'nucking futs' installments (read them HERE and HERE, if you missed them) is the fact that I have been self-medicating for months - with FOOD.  I started this last pregnancy with an extra 100lbs, then only gained 15 lbs, which I lost right after the birth (and immediately lost about 10 lbs more). 

So, by the time hubs came home, three months after the birth, I was actually about 10 lbs lighter than I was when he left. Then I started making all the yummy food he missed out on during deployment, and of course we had to have dessert EVERY NIGHT.  It was more than that, though.

The loneliness that I felt while he was gone was manageable.  The loneliness that stabbed at me every night after his return, however, was impossible to ignore.  He was RIGHT THERE next to me, and yet we were worlds apart.  I say this in the past tense only because it seems to have gotten a LITTLE better.  For now.  Anyway, the emptiness was unbearable, and I started trying to fill it with food.

Junk food, mostly.

Ho-Ho's were eaten by-the-box.  Literally. I would bake a batch of brownies under the pretense that they were for hubby, but the rejection I felt from him, coupled with the increasing sense of isolation, would become so painful that I would eat most of the brownies myself, in an attempt to feel better.

To some extent, this actually worked.  On a very short-term basis, of course.

In the first three weeks after hubby came home, I GAINED 15 pounds. 

Yup, five freaking pounds a week.

When I realized that none of my clothes were fitting me, I got even more depressed, and tried to talk to hubby about what I was feeling - but he got so defensive, as usual, that he didn't really hear a word I said.  I responded by gaining another ten pounds in the next two weeks, then gained five more over the next two weeks. 

I gained thirty pounds in just seven weeks.

Now, remember, I was already 90 lbs overweight when hubs came home.

Around week seven, when Baby Bobblehead was 4 1/2 months old, I began to realize that the CRAZY I was living with was probably PPD, and therefore treatable.  That knowledge alone seemed to boost my ability to cope, so I slowed down a little on the emotional eating.  It took me four more weeks to actually make an appointment and see a doctor to start meds, and over those four weeks I gained almost ten more pounds.

I don't know for sure if it is the medication, or the counseling, but I am now coping MUCH better.  I still have a lot of issues, and still frequently feel that emptiness that only a box of Ho-Ho's could fill, but I am able to resist those urges most of the time now.  As a result, my weight has leveled off.  I am not losing any weight (yet) but at least I haven't gained anything in about 5 1/2 weeks now.

The only reason I am taking the time to write out this very painful, very personal part of the story is that I want to document my efforts to take ME back.  I also wouldn't mind a little cheerleading along the way, if you feel inclined


If the numbers you already saw above didn't shock you, here is the naked truth:

My ideal weight: 140lbs
My pre-pregnancy weight: 240 lbs
My post-pregnancy, pre-homecoming weight: 230 lbs
My CURRENT weight: 268 lbs.

My 'ideal' clothing size is 14.
My current clothing size is 24-26.

Most of the clothes in my closet right now are 18-20, so I am trying to at least get back to that size (approximately 200 lbs) in the next six months or so.

If I can lose enough weight to get down to a size 16, I have an AMAZING dress for the Marine Corps Ball in November.  I wore it once, several years ago, and could not bear to part with it.  I kept saying, 'someday I will be able to wear it again'.  Well, with any luck (and a lot of hard work) that 'someday' will be THIS YEAR.

I want to post some 'before' pictures as I now embark on this weight loss journey, but am really so disgusted by my body right now, I am not sure if I can even TAKE those pictures.  I will try, so watch for that nightmare in a future post.  If I wimp out and DON'T post any 'before' pictures, then my 'after' pictures will be somewhat anti-climactic, right?

**edit: I just re-read this post, and realized that it sounds a little like I am BLAMING hubby for my weight gain.  This is not the case, I take full responsibility for every bite of food I have ever taken.  It is NOT his fault that I feel the need to binge on junkfood when he hurts me.....HOWEVER, after I talked to him about this, his continued crappy treatment of me seems almost like an endorsement of my eating. In simpler terms, it is not his fault, but I do feel that he could have done something about it, and he failed to (or refused to?)  OUCH.**

Saturday, April 2, 2011


A couple years ago on FaceBook I participated in some know, the notes that were posted, if you were tagged in it you had to copy and paste it into a new note and put in your own answers, and tag ten people or whatever. Anyway, two of those notes have been on my mind lately, especially since I have been having so much fun with Amber's music linkup every Thursday over at Goodnight Moon. I decided to re-post them here, and if anyone WANTS to copy and paste it and put your own answers up on your own blog, please come back and comment here, with a link to your blog in the comment! I'd love to see if you guys find these as hilarious as I did.

Here's the first note:

My Life According To: DEPECHE MODE by Gaile ---- on Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 9:00pm

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to some people and include me! Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Post again as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:
Depeche Mode

Are you a male or female:

Describe yourself:
Its Called A Heart

How do you feel:
Can’t Get Enough

Describe where you currently live:
Suffer Well

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
World In My Eyes

Your favorite form of transportation:
Dreaming of Me

Your best friend(s) is:

What's the weather like:
Master and Servant

Favorite time of day:
Question of Time

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Get the Balance Right

What is life to you?
Love In Itself

Your significant other relationship:

Your fear:
Blasphemous Rumours

What is the best advice you have to give:
People Are People

Thought for the Day:
Everything Counts

How I would like to die:
Leave In Silence

My soul's present condition:
A Pain That I'm Used To

My motto:
Policy of Truth


This one was the FUN one:

Eternal Flame - Bangles by Gaile ---- on Monday, February 9, 2009 at 2:53pm

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the 'next song' button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends


What do your friends think of you?
Home Again - Oingo Boingo

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say...
The Hands that Built America - U2

How would you describe yourself?
Cry So Easy - Erasure (ok this is getting FUNNY!)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
It Doesn't Matter - Depeche Mode (now I'm going to pee my pants!)

How do you feel today?
Open All Night - Bon Jovi

What is your life’s purpose?
Inaudible Melodies - Jack Johnson (huh????)

What is your motto?
Gimme a Chance - Plain White T's

What do you think about often?
Our Lips Are Sealed - the GoGo's (I haven't laughed this hard in months!)

What is 2+2?
Did it in a Minute - Hall & Oates

What do you think of your best friend?
Let It Be - The Beatles

What do you think of the person you like?
Whip It - Divo (ha ha ha ha ah aha haha ha - this is starting to hurt)

What is your life story?
Panic - The Smiths

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Devil Inside - INXS (OMG, that's perfect!)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Cradle of Love - Billy Idol

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Come Away With Me - Norah Jones (another perfect one!)

What will they play at your funeral?
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police

What is your hobby/interest?
Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds

What is your biggest fear?
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day

What is your biggest secret?
Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - The Smiths (OK, not such a big secret!)

What do you think of your friends? (very cool!)
The Promise - When In Rome

What will you post this as?
Eternal Flame - Bangles


See what I mean? try it with your own iTunes, and if you decide to post it, don't forget to come back here and tell me you did - I wanna laugh along with you!
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