Wednesday, April 20, 2011

square one.

Lately things have been REALLY up-and-down.  More than usual.  We've had some rough days and some good days, and a WHOLE LOTTA 'blah' days.

Hubby's most recent 'episode' got me really in a funk and I've been trying to pull myself out of it for a couple days. (I don't know if episode is the right word, but I don't know what else to call it when he zones about responsibilities and throws all his time and energy into things that seem unimportant to me...but he is just DRIVEN to do them...even to the detriment of others or himself)

It doesn't help that I am caring for a super-sick baby, who was nice enough to cough and sneeze all over me, so now I am sick, too. (why did I even BOTHER with a clean shirt this morning???)

The good thing about having a sick baby is that he wants to be held constantly right now.  Not very good for getting anything DONE around the house, but good because I just love snuggling him.  And holding him makes it pretty hard to type anything, so I have been catching up on READING everyone else's blogs instead of just logging on, getting my rant out, and then logging back off.  Sometimes I have to be reminded to just shut up and listen, you know?  I've been slacking on the 'reading' part of this blog-relationship that I have with you all.

Anyway, I saw a post from a milspouse who just started a deployment, and she wrote about saying goodbye to her hubby.  I started thinking back to the 'goodbye' I had with my hubby last year....the last time I saw him as himself.  That probably sounds overly dramatic to someone who has not lived with the mental/emotional issues we're dealing with right now, but from my point of view, it's pretty darned accurate.  He literally has not been 'himself' for even a single day since he returned over four months ago.  There is more and more of him coming through all the time, but it's still not HIM. (yet)

So I went back through my own archives and started reading this blog from the beginning.  I tried to read it from his perspective - how would he react to this statement, or would he see me differently or judge me for revealing that weakness?  As I got to the part, almost a year ago now, where I said goodbye to him, I realized something shocking.  Call it an epiphany, or a paradigm shift, or a litghtbulb moment.

I saw, through my own blog, that I have not been myself in a long time, either!  I can't pinpoint exactly when I changed, but I am definitely starting to sort out the old me from the new me, and to identify things I like and don't like about the new me. (if you missed yesterday's post, I definitely DON'T like the new BITCHY side of me).

Now I feel like this knowledge about the changes in ME is somehow the 'key' to getting US back..... if only I can locate the darned lock.

Going back to the beginning of this blog was just the catalyst for me to now go back to the VERY beginning.  When we met, when we started dating, when I proposed (yeah, that's right *I* proposed to him).  When we had Knucklehead, and when we finally made it legit by getting married when Knucklehead was two.  When we bought this house.  When we nearly gave up on this marriage a couple years ago, and when we miraculously found each other again.  THERE...somewhere in that timeframe, when we had our second 'beginning', that has to be where I can find the secret to getting us back.  We've done it before, and while it was HELLISH, I know we're strong enough to do it again.

I don't want to revisit that pain, but it might be the only way to get through this new pain we're suffering from every day.  So, as I work through some of this (can't WAIT to tell my therapist about this 'breakthrough'!) I may or may not do some flashback blogging.  Might share some of this painful story with you all.  Please bear with me if I do, because it is not an easy story to tell......


♥Miss Brittney♥ said...

thank you for sharing this...My husband has changed a lot since joining the navy but especially since he went on deployment last year. when he came home the reintegration process was not an easy one and we fought all the time. he became a lot colder towards me and more disrespectful at times...he had always been a romantic and I've seen that side of him dwindle away as well. It has been hard accepting the "new" him and trying to love him despite these things. As soon as I felt like things were finally starting to get better for us and we were getting more in sync again, we got two weeks notice that he was deploying again for 11 months. :( So now we are back at square one and will have to go through this nightmare ALL OVER AGAIN!!! Some days I don't feel like I have the strength, but theres not much I can do besides keep trying. Anyway, I hope you and your husband can find a way to get back to where you want to be and that your relationship will only get better because of these struggles. :)

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