Monday, April 4, 2011

nucking futs, part three

OK If you have not read my previous posts, you don't know yet that I am dealing with my own Post-Partum Depression (more like nervous breakdown) and my hubby's undiagnosed/untreated PTSD, as well as caring for an infant, a tween, and the teenager-from-hell.  Oh yeah, and I work part time, and coach a basketball team, and volunteer at church.

CRAZY does not even begin to cover it.

The BIG part of the 'crazy' that I didn't mention in the first two 'nucking futs' installments (read them HERE and HERE, if you missed them) is the fact that I have been self-medicating for months - with FOOD.  I started this last pregnancy with an extra 100lbs, then only gained 15 lbs, which I lost right after the birth (and immediately lost about 10 lbs more). 

So, by the time hubs came home, three months after the birth, I was actually about 10 lbs lighter than I was when he left. Then I started making all the yummy food he missed out on during deployment, and of course we had to have dessert EVERY NIGHT.  It was more than that, though.

The loneliness that I felt while he was gone was manageable.  The loneliness that stabbed at me every night after his return, however, was impossible to ignore.  He was RIGHT THERE next to me, and yet we were worlds apart.  I say this in the past tense only because it seems to have gotten a LITTLE better.  For now.  Anyway, the emptiness was unbearable, and I started trying to fill it with food.

Junk food, mostly.

Ho-Ho's were eaten by-the-box.  Literally. I would bake a batch of brownies under the pretense that they were for hubby, but the rejection I felt from him, coupled with the increasing sense of isolation, would become so painful that I would eat most of the brownies myself, in an attempt to feel better.

To some extent, this actually worked.  On a very short-term basis, of course.

In the first three weeks after hubby came home, I GAINED 15 pounds. 

Yup, five freaking pounds a week.

When I realized that none of my clothes were fitting me, I got even more depressed, and tried to talk to hubby about what I was feeling - but he got so defensive, as usual, that he didn't really hear a word I said.  I responded by gaining another ten pounds in the next two weeks, then gained five more over the next two weeks. 

I gained thirty pounds in just seven weeks.

Now, remember, I was already 90 lbs overweight when hubs came home.

Around week seven, when Baby Bobblehead was 4 1/2 months old, I began to realize that the CRAZY I was living with was probably PPD, and therefore treatable.  That knowledge alone seemed to boost my ability to cope, so I slowed down a little on the emotional eating.  It took me four more weeks to actually make an appointment and see a doctor to start meds, and over those four weeks I gained almost ten more pounds.

I don't know for sure if it is the medication, or the counseling, but I am now coping MUCH better.  I still have a lot of issues, and still frequently feel that emptiness that only a box of Ho-Ho's could fill, but I am able to resist those urges most of the time now.  As a result, my weight has leveled off.  I am not losing any weight (yet) but at least I haven't gained anything in about 5 1/2 weeks now.

The only reason I am taking the time to write out this very painful, very personal part of the story is that I want to document my efforts to take ME back.  I also wouldn't mind a little cheerleading along the way, if you feel inclined


If the numbers you already saw above didn't shock you, here is the naked truth:

My ideal weight: 140lbs
My pre-pregnancy weight: 240 lbs
My post-pregnancy, pre-homecoming weight: 230 lbs
My CURRENT weight: 268 lbs.

My 'ideal' clothing size is 14.
My current clothing size is 24-26.

Most of the clothes in my closet right now are 18-20, so I am trying to at least get back to that size (approximately 200 lbs) in the next six months or so.

If I can lose enough weight to get down to a size 16, I have an AMAZING dress for the Marine Corps Ball in November.  I wore it once, several years ago, and could not bear to part with it.  I kept saying, 'someday I will be able to wear it again'.  Well, with any luck (and a lot of hard work) that 'someday' will be THIS YEAR.

I want to post some 'before' pictures as I now embark on this weight loss journey, but am really so disgusted by my body right now, I am not sure if I can even TAKE those pictures.  I will try, so watch for that nightmare in a future post.  If I wimp out and DON'T post any 'before' pictures, then my 'after' pictures will be somewhat anti-climactic, right?

**edit: I just re-read this post, and realized that it sounds a little like I am BLAMING hubby for my weight gain.  This is not the case, I take full responsibility for every bite of food I have ever taken.  It is NOT his fault that I feel the need to binge on junkfood when he hurts me.....HOWEVER, after I talked to him about this, his continued crappy treatment of me seems almost like an endorsement of my eating. In simpler terms, it is not his fault, but I do feel that he could have done something about it, and he failed to (or refused to?)  OUCH.**


Ashley N. said...

YOU CAN DO IT! You can get back into that dress! I know you can!

Manda said...

You can do it! And you have a goal! I also have been struggling with my weight. After YEARS of my weight not going down I finally broke down and joined weight watchers. I lost 20 lbs in just a few months. Just an idea. :-)

And I just want to say that I know where you're coming from with your husband. It took six/seven years before my husband finally agreed to see someone. Unfortunately that doc was a quack who assured him that he was fine (which if you read my blog, he's not.) So we're back at square one. If you need someone to talk to who's been there and still in the midst I'm your girl. ((hugs))

Renee said...

Gaile, You WILL do this! You have a goal and you have the strong to do this. Not for anyone but for yourself! I look forward to following this journey with you!

Goodnight moon said...

I am so sorry! I can't say that I know what your going through, because I don't and I'm not going to act like I do. I think for you to post something that is so RAW for you right now, is so very brave of yourself. To admitt it to yourself and then to push forward and do something about it takes a lot of courage. Your mental state is strong, so now you can make your physical state stronger. I am here for you if you ever need me....and I honestly mean that! Being that you have written this post, is an awesome step forward because now you will be able to hold yourself to it. I am so proud of you for being so open about what you have been living through. That takes a LOT of guts women! PPD affects all of us and in many different ways. I am so glad you have gotten the help you needed and aren't ashamed to write about it. You have no idea how many women that will be able to relate to you, and that you will be able to help because of your honesty.

You are an awesome women! You can do this Gaile!!!!!

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