Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My own worst enemy (and my own best friend)

Today I beat my high score on Solitaire on my iPad.  Again.

I'm getting used to keeping myself company, and have been thinking a lot lately about WHY I choose solitude so much during deployment.

And of course I have had lengthy chats with myself about this.

(Have I mentioned before that I am CRAZY during deployment?  Not that I am all that sane when he is home, but you know...)

It's not that I don't have friends, in fact I make it a point to at least talk to a friend once a day, if for nothing else than to guage the level of my crazy for the day.  I still have my monthly  Bunco group, and I chat with the other moms at the school, or at my son's basketball games.  I went window shopping with a friend the other day, and I think we both enjoyed ourselves.  But for the most part, my friends have no clue what deployment is like, and I find it just takes too damn much energy to hang out with them to pretend that everything is OK.

I realized this yesterday after having lunch with a fellow milspouse.  Her husband is in the same place as mine, though maybe for a little bit longer.  I can't remember for sure if we even talked about deployment over lunch, but if we did it, I know that it was done with no explanations of acronyms, etc.  I do remember laughing, and best of all relaxing over lunch.  This friend and I don't really have a lot in common - just the deployment, really - but it makes things so simple, just to have the elephant in the room be something totally normal.  And to know that, if I start randomly crying - or laughing - for no apparent reason, she will understand.  And if I completely lose my train of thought, that's okay too.

This milspouse barely knows me, but she gets it.  And I really need that, you know?

Does this even make sense?

I think this is why I feel such a strong connection to all the other milspouse bloggers here, and I take so much comfort in the comments from all of you, and I so enjoy reading your blogs.

So, I thank you ALL for your awesomeness - we all do (me, myself, and I)


Ashleigh said...

Ha @ we all do. Too funny.

But I totally get it. I told my husband that I like to spend time by myself, mostly because it's easier. I don't have to worry about people saying dumb things {oh, we dated long distance for about six months before we got married so i know how it feels} or embarrassing myself if i tear up because something reminds me of him. It's just easier to be alone sometimes. I totally get that :)

chambanachik said...

Empathy is highly underrated. It means the world!

Amy said...

I know exactly how you feel. My own best friend seems to be growing further and further apart because she doesn't get it.

However, I talked to another milspouse/girlfriend from our unit the other night on the phone for at least an hour and I've never met her face to face. But we just "got" each other.

Tiffanie said...

I love all my friends...I love spending time with my friends when I can from pre-military life. I love my family dearly, with my whole heart! But there is something so comforting to have a friends that have been like sisters to understand what you are going through. As much as family & friends care...they try to say they understand because of something they think it "similar" to our situation but of course sometimes it just pisses us off. LOL...oh Military Wives! I hate being pitied, but it is so nice to know that there really are people who really do care & really do "GET IT"! And don't worry we all are a little crazy...I was reading another wives blog the other day & I remember saying I felt like a little girl with an obsessive crush on my husband when he is gone because I do weird things just to remember him! Hang in there! Keep your head up!!!

PTSD, A Caregiver's Perspective said...

"I Get It" are the three most comforting words for me lately. Since finding all these wonderful milspouse blogs I am swimming in a virtual sea of empathy. It's awesome.

BTW.... I've missed you, and I'm sooo glad to be blogging again :)

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