I know I am going crazy when I CLEAN, without being nagged to do it. I hate housework, because it is never really DONE, you know? The perpetual nature of dishes, laundry, insert-least-favorite-chore-here, is enough to make any SANE mommy scream. And I am not necessarily SANE, right?
I am what they call 'a few sandwiches short of a picnic'.
Lately I feel so alone, even when I am around other people - I feel like no one understands, like I don't CONNECT with anyone. Like I am on another freaking PLANET. Its not just depression - there's a lot of anxiety swirling around in my overcrowded mind, too. I keep feeling earthquakes that are not really happening, and every time I go down the stairs, I stop at the top landing and squeeze my eyes shut to try to block out this horrible vision of me FALLING down the stairs (usually holding the baby). I see and hear things that no one else seems to - I keep waiting for the people around me to react, and when they don't I am reminded once again of just how ALONE I am right now. How CRAZY I am right now.
I can claim to be 'functional' because I get everyone's basic needs met here at home, but in reality I am just going through the motions. I mean, sure I feel some joy when I am laughing with the baby, and I feel pride when Knucklehead does something amazing, but I don't really FEEL anything in the way that I am used to. It's like all of my feelings are sort of muted right now.
Does that even make sense?
So, today I caught myself in some really uncharacteristic behavior: CLEANING my kitchen. Like really deep cleaning it, not just wiping down the section of counter that I was about to use, or anything like that. My last meltdown culminated in me cleaning the entire house, and as good as it felt to HAVE a clean house, it was miserable to feel so....DRIVEN. Like someone else was pulling my puppet strings and I had no choice but to clean and scrub. (I actually had a nightmare like that once!) So, today when I felt that happening again, I made myself sit down and just tune everything out for a few minutes.
I looked around at my *slightly* messy house and tried to compare it with mental pictures of my house BEFORE I lost my mind. (this level of insanity is pretty recent, in case you're wondering. like in the last 3 or 4 weeks). And you know what? I'm making this mom gig look freaking EASY. My house is nowhere near CLEAN at the moment, but it's actually in better shape than usual. I am more 'caught-up' with laundry than usual. My dishes are even (mostly) caught up. I think I've accomplished all of this by sacrificing sleep, and THAT, my friends, is truly crazy. And can CAUSE more crazy, in my opinion.
So, tonight, in an effort to find what little bit of sanity I may have left, I am IGNORING the messy house (like I always used to!) and am going to bed early.