I've slept a grand total of 3 hours in the last 48 hours. I've had ONE night of actual sleep out of the last ten or so nights.
THIS FREAKING SUCKS!
I'm also DREADING my birthday next week, because it falls just a couple of days before hubby's departure for what may turn out to be our WORST deployment yet.
This is definitely our worst PREdeployment yet.
I put so much energy into pretending that I am okay with this, that I can handle it......it is really exhausting! And it seems now that hubby is as put off by my ACTING, as he is by the TRUTH - he doesn't want to see the tears and meltdowns, so I've tried to hide those from him. Then he accuses me of ignoring him! So I try to include him in my crazy 'mom' routine, basketball practice and games, IEP meeting for my teenager, running errands, etc. and now I am the evil one for planning all his free time, so he can't do anything on his own.
Hubby is supposed to meet his sisters for brunch today, and it looks like he is going to flake on this, and blame THAT on me, too.
His sisters both live about an hour and a half away from here. We usually all get together a couple times a year for holidays, etc. and he sees them as often as once a week when he is working in that area (when he is not active duty) But knowing he is going to be gone for 7 or 8 months, his sisters specifically planned this brunch with him today, and I really think he will regret cancelling. They'll be mad at him, so he will tell them it is my fault. He will be mad at himself and will ultimately blame me, even though I had NOTHING to do with this.
Maybe I can sleep tonight if I can just figure out how to stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders - after all, this is HIM being unable to deal with our daily dose of shit, right? Why am I letting it effect me so much?
Oh, that's right, BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.