Deployment (again): Insomnia

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Insomnia

I've slept a grand total of 3 hours in the last 48 hours. I've had ONE night of actual sleep out of the last ten or so nights.

THIS FREAKING SUCKS!

I'm also DREADING my birthday next week, because it falls just a couple of days before hubby's departure for what may turn out to be our WORST deployment yet.

This is definitely our worst PREdeployment yet.

I put so much energy into pretending that I am okay with this, that I can handle it......it is really exhausting! And it seems now that hubby is as put off by my ACTING, as he is by the TRUTH - he doesn't want to see the tears and meltdowns, so I've tried to hide those from him. Then he accuses me of ignoring him! So I try to include him in my crazy 'mom' routine, basketball practice and games, IEP meeting for my teenager, running errands, etc. and now I am the evil one for planning all his free time, so he can't do anything on his own.

Hubby is supposed to meet his sisters for brunch today, and it looks like he is going to flake on this, and blame THAT on me, too.

His sisters both live about an hour and a half away from here. We usually all get together a couple times a year for holidays, etc. and he sees them as often as once a week when he is working in that area (when he is not active duty) But knowing he is going to be gone for 7 or 8 months, his sisters specifically planned this brunch with him today, and I really think he will regret cancelling. They'll be mad at him, so he will tell them it is my fault. He will be mad at himself and will ultimately blame me, even though I had NOTHING to do with this.

:(

Maybe I can sleep tonight if I can just figure out how to stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders - after all, this is HIM being unable to deal with our daily dose of shit, right? Why am I letting it effect me so much?

Oh, that's right, BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.

6 comments:

Goodnight moon said...: Yes....because we love them....BLECK! It is so hard! I swear....sometimes no matter what you do, it is never right, or good enough. I'm sorry!!!!! Sending hugs!; April 25, 2010 at 9:11 AM
PTSD, A Caregiver's Perspective said...: Okay, lets start with the fact you have only had 3 hours sleep in the last 48, there's reason number to be exhausted.

You are pregnant, there's reason number two (besides the fact he's leaving) to explain the tears and meltdowns and exaggerated swings from ignoring to overwhelming him.

Time has an annoying habit of ever marching on and the crazy "mom" routine is reason number three you don't have enough hours in the day to figure out just how to stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

And I don't know if he's unable to deal with your daily dose of shit... doesn't sound like the two of you are communicating so well right now.

Just take a deep breath for a moment... go sit in a quiet room by yourself and re-read your post while pretending he's in Iraq. Imagine him sitting on that military aircraft headed into combat, earplugs in to drown out the deafening drone of the massive engines, nothing better to do for the long trip than reflect on the last few days you had together.

You do love him, he does love you. Don't let all this pre-deployment stress get in the way of letting each other know that before he goes to war.

Just my two cents.
Domenica; April 25, 2010 at 10:27 AM
Gaile said...: Amber, THANK YOU - I appreciate all the virtual hugs I am getting these days (espcially in light of how few in-person hugs I get!)

And Domenica, as always, you are SO RIGHT. Somehow your 'two cents' is always worth so much more than I can say. THANK YOU.

At this point, I will honestly accept just five minutes with him, to tell each other how much we love one another - let alone a few days. Just have to find a way to make that happen.

I can do this. I'm not sure quite HOW, but somehow, I CAN DO THIS.; April 25, 2010 at 11:27 AM
PTSD, A Caregiver's Perspective said...: And I also got to thinking.... how does he feel about knowing you will have this baby while he is gone?

How do you feel knowing that he will not be there to see those first few precious hours let alone weeks and months?

Kinda' made me go hmmmm I wonder if subconsciously, in the back of either one of your minds you are hurting about that little nugget, but cannot get the words out or see through all the conflicting emotions what the "core" issue really is.; April 25, 2010 at 12:25 PM
Gaile said...: Good point, Domenica - but this issues is not in the back of EITHER of our minds. It's front and center, all day, every day. We've talked this one to death, but as you said, we're really not communicating very clearly. He has no idea how terrified I really am about the baby issue alone (not about the birth - this is #4, so I am confident I know what to do, with or without him there) even though I have TOLD him so many times...or tried to tell him.
And I honestly can't get my head around how he's feeling about ANY of this, as he has never been particularly expressive.....and lately his form of communication with me is pretty much YELLING, which is when I shut him out. My psychic abilities are pretty limited, to its an uphill battle figuring out what he wants/needs from me.
*SIGH*
The mountains we climb for our men!
I will find a way to get through to him before he leaves next week. I HAVE TO.; April 25, 2010 at 12:42 PM
Roller Coaster said...: Thanks for linking up on the blog hop! We've got some great mil spouses out there. Have a great weekend, and happy hopping!; May 1, 2010 at 11:58 AM