Tuesday, April 13, 2010

getting 'ready'

I can already tell that the next couple of weeks are going to FLY by, and and I am just so NOT READY for my hubby to leave!

Can we ever really be 'ready'?

How do you prepare for the loneliness and anxiety that embody deployment?  The insomnia, the lack of motivation to really DO or BE anything.... how do you get 'ready' for that?   Oh, and then there is the constant fear that 'something' will happen to him...we never specifically say WHAT 'something' means, but we know when we say 'something' we are referring to the very end of our world, heralded by a uniformed officer knocking at the door.....that is definitely something I will never be 'ready' for, no matter how many times my subconscious hits me over the head with it in the form of a terrifying nightmare.

I'm not ready to be both mom AND dad.....

I'm not ready to deal with the behavior problems that my kids are sure to throw at me as soon as daddy is gone....

I'm not ready to have this baby all by myself.....

I'm not ready to take over the yardwork and trash duties (when the kids slack off, which is inevitable)....

I'm not ready to face every day alone - and don't even get me started about the nights!  I am definitely not ready to give up sex for the forseeable future!  Yikes.

And yet, somehow I know that I have to be ready, and somehow I will be.  Or at least I will put on a brave face and let him THINK that I am ready to say goodbye when the time comes - because if he knows I am not, it will just give him one more thing to worry about....which is the LAST thing he needs as he heads off into combat.

So maybe I can just say that I am getting ready to PRETEND to be ready, for everyone's sake?

6 comments:

Amber said...

BLECK! I know and understand everything! I wish I could say something that would fix things for you....if only we could fast forward to the end of the year!

Gaile said...

Amber, exactly! I wish I could just fast forward to hubby's retirement.....
I am so incredibly proud to be a Marine Wife, and yet, so compltely NOT cut out for this life.

Renee said...

Amber, I said goodbye - see you on the flip side... to my husband this morning. I wasn't ready...but I'm pretending I'm okay for now. A big hug to you!!

This is the story of.... said...

Oh dear lord.... you women are killing me!!! How can I even function right now when you and Renee are going through so much. I feel so feeble, so insignificant, so humbled. If only I could hold you both close, dry your tears, stroke your hair and tell you that no matter what, no matter how our short our life is on this earth let's look out for each other.

I luuuuuuv you guys.

Domenica

Life of an Army Wife said...

I know exactly how your feeling. I had a rough couple weeks before he had left. Every time I thought about it, I wanted to Cry. Especially knowing it was our 4th deployment. Something that I never wanted to happen.
And now, we are 27 days in. And being mom and dad of 3 kids, I am worn out. I am tired of this. It is not my husbands fault, but still. I know that this is not our last deployment, and it stinks. It hasn't been so much just the 27 days he has been gone, it is the prior 3 deployments. I am just ready for him to be home and help raise OUR kids!

Gaile said...

Thanks for all the support girls! I know my friends (near and far, and bloggy friends too) can help me be as strong as I will have to be to get through this one. It just SUCKS. And as far as wanting hubby home to help raise the kids, I cannot agree MORE with that! That's the whole reason we waited so long to have baby #4, because I didn't want to do the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing by myself. We finally decided we are not getting any younger, and when we started trying, the odds of another deployment were slim. 3 months later we got pregnant AND got orders, almost simultaneously. Figures.

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