Saturday, March 20, 2010

training (torture before the torture)

I'm floored that when hubby leaves for 'pre-deployment training' it feels like he is already 6000 miles away. I guess this is sort of supposed to 'train' the family to deal with his absence, but in smaller doses?

Currently we are 2 weeks into a 3 weeks separation, and all the pain, loneliness, etc. that I tried to forget from the first couple deployments is BACK. I hate this.

I think the hardest part about this is that I feel like I can't really TALK to him about how I feel, even though we do 'talk' at least every couple of days right now. If I say "I miss you" he gets all defensive and apologetic, like I am ATTACKING him, blaming him for being gone (well I kinda do resent him for being gone, especially with the pregnancy and all, but that's not what a MEAN when I tell him I miss him).

And if I break down and cry, or even sound melancholy at all, he gets all worried about what's going on at home, and then I know he is not focusing on what he needs to be doing there, and he doesn't sleep as well, etc.

So I pretend everything's fine, I tell him about cool things the kids are doing, what happened at my last OB appointment, etc. and I tell him I love him, I'm proud of him, etc.

Then I hang up the phone and cry myself to sleep.


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