Deployment (again): Confessions

Friday, January 7, 2011

Confessions

This may be a little TOO honest for some people....but I hope I don't lose any friends or followers over this post.

So, first confession: I am so RELIEVED whenever hubby leaves for work. Things have been so tense around here, that when he leaves it's like a mini-vacation for me.

Awful, right? I think I totally FAIL at being a wife.

Confession number two: Sometimes I fantasize about running away - all by myself, just starting over where no one knows me.

Horrible. I fail at being a mommy too.

Hubby started his leave tonight, and will be around A LOT for the next few weeks. This will either be a very good thing, or will be very, very bad.

My old positive self seems to have disappeared, and my negative self is trembling in fear at what this leave will bring.

And the biggest confession: no matter how much I love my husband (and I always will) right now I really don't LIKE him very much at all. Sometimes I think I might even hate him.

Actually, what I really hate is deployment. And reintegration.

6 comments:

Holly said...: Goodness! I feel the same ALL the time! Does it make us a bad wife/mother? Nope. It just means that we are in serious need of "me" time.

One of my favorite quote from the Date Night movie says it all!

"If anything, I fantasize sometimes about being alone. There are times when I thought about, on my worst day, just you know, leaving our house, and going some place like checking into a hotel and just being in a quiet room by myself, just sitting in a quiet air-conditioned room, sitting down, just eating lunch, with no one touching me, drinking a diet Sprite, by myself. Look, I just wanna have one day that doesn't depend on how everyone else's day goes."

:); January 8, 2011 at 7:33 AM
Just Another MilSpouse said...: This doesn't make you any different from anyone else. You are adapting to having him back and it's not something that can happen overnight! It takes time, just like it took time to adjust to him being away. You aren't a computer that can be programmed to run independently during deployments and as a team when he comes home. You have to relearn, HE has to relearn.

Don't beat yourself up for having these feelings; you are a military wife, it comes with the title.

Take care.; January 8, 2011 at 8:38 AM
Turtle Runner said...: Actually, you sound extremely normal. :)

Hang in there, things will get better.; January 8, 2011 at 10:53 AM
Jenifer said...: I have had many of those same feelings. You are just brave enough to write them. The reintegration after deployments are the worst! My marine has been home since October and has been on leave A LOT of that time. It has stressed me out at times. He is on his own program and I have 4 other little people and myself to take care of. YIKES! Keep your chin up. We can PRAY it WILL get better.... with time!; January 8, 2011 at 12:22 PM
Renee said...: You definatly are saying what so many of us feel sometimes! I especially like the quote that Holly wrote - I've felt that way many times over the years. As wives and mothers we are always "on"..there's never seems to be a selection for "just be".

Hang in there...getting the thoughts out of your head and sharing them will help!; January 8, 2011 at 2:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Yep, I'll add my vote ... reintegration can suck big time. You are not bad. Everyone has had these feelings. By giving voice to them, you might encourage someone else to acknowledge their feelings as well ... the more honest we all are about the rough spots, the easier it is for us all to talk and heal.
Hugs to you, and I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes: Don't wait for the light to appear at the end of the tunnel - stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself. - Dara Henderson, writer
Keep the faith, hun.; January 8, 2011 at 6:49 PM