Monday, January 10, 2011

on the other hand

My life is a series of contradictions these days. 

I am so thrilled to have hubby back - but also halfway wish he was still 'over there'.....because then I would have an excuse for this deep loneliness.  Have you ever laid next to someone in bed and felt as though they are really worlds away? Half a world away is definitely better than that. Reunited, but still very separate.

Bonehead is still screwing up - in two separate incidents at school last week, he was suspended for telling a teacher off (using the F-word) and then later was ARRESTED by campus police for threatening a teacher. But then today I got his first semester report card, and he is PASSING all of his classes, for the first time in, well, EVER. I'm so embarrassed by his behavior last week, and yet so proud of him for somehow passing all of his classes.

For the first time in my life, I have recently started to really take pride in my home, and really WANT to keep things nice and organized (as opposed to the usual slob routine that culminates in a desperate stuffing episode to hide my clutter whenever company comes over)....and yet, I am SOOOOOO tired and SOOOOOO busy with Bobblehead, I literally can't even keep up with the dishes for an entire day.  I finally WANT to be a really great home-maker, and simply can't do it.

Oh, and then there's work.  I am supposed to go back to my part-time job next week, leaving Bobblehead with my neighbor/friend for an hour every morning and an hour every afternoon. I am SO conflicted about this! I desperately need some exercise, which this job will give me, and I really really miss my paycheck, no matter how teeny-tiny it is.  But I know I will miss Bobblehead for every minute we're apart - and of course my teeny tiny paycheck will be even smaller since I am paying my friend for babysitting. *sigh*

And the very best I write this, I am more tired than I have been in, well, EVER.....and I know for a fact that I will toss and turn all night, unable to sleep as I try to reconcile even ONE of these crazy situations in my head. 

A glass of wine would really help with this....BUT I am breastfeeding, so yeah, NOT HAPPENING tonight.


Susan said...

Just blogging around and found your blog. My husband is 20 years retired Air Force, they used to call deployments, TDY's then. Hang in there he will be home before you know it, or maybe I should say, he will be home but it will seem like a long time. But my thoughts are with you.

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