Monday, June 13, 2011


Three little words, and I felt the walls falling in all around me AGAIN.

I think it is my own fault that I keep feeling so LET DOWN, because I am just dumb enough to get my hopes up that things will finally get better.  Back to 'normal'.  Whatever that is.

So, what are the three words that broke my heart this past weekend?  "I'm not interested."

And he wasn't even talking about SEX, although he might as well have been....we've only been 'intimate' three times in the past six weeks!  Enough to make me scream in frustration, and cry those bitter tears of self-pity because he just doesn't WANT me.  But I don't scream or cry, I just stay calm(ish) and I keep fighting for US.  I keep hoping.  Stupid hope.

The three hated words were actually used when I told hubby about an e-mail I got from the FRO about this AWESOME opportunity for hubs and I to attend a weekend "RWW" program....Returning Warrior Workshop, which is "an interactive weekend where the Marines will not only benefit from numerous resources on-site, but also have the opportunity to speak with mental health professionals, chaplains, and unit leadership"  The email said it was specifically targeted to married Marines and their spouses who experienced high stressors during deployment, either in theater or on the homefront.  Um, HELLO, that's US!  And it's a FREE "Yellow Ribbon" weekend.  They will even reimburse us for travel expenses!  Not a be-all, end-all perfect solution, but it sounds like a pretty good start.  Stupid of me to hope that hubby will actually WANT to do anything about this ridiculous divide between us.  I think the keyword he heard was "mental health professionals" and he literally cut me off with the horrid "I'm not interested".  Verbal knife-hand.

And I can't think of anything to DO about this, except cry another river.  And, well, that hasn't exactly been working well for me in the six months since he returned from deployment.

This just freaking SUCKS!

I mean, overall, life really isn't all that bad here.....we've settled down some, and Bonehead's drama is minimal (for now).  We don't really fight or yell as much....maybe once every two weeks or so?  Ha - about as often as we have sex, I guess.  If I thought more fighting would equal more sex, I would go wake up my snoring husband RIGHT NOW and pick a fight.  A BIG ONE.  If I thought that would work.  Even if it would work, it would be the disappointing version of sex that somehow passes for him these days.....not so much for me. *AHEM*  But anyway, we're barely existing right now.  I want to LIVE!  I want to MOVE FORWARD, instead of just barely treading water.

I honestly try so hard to see some light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm normally pretty good at that stuff - a FATAL OPTIMIST.  But right now, thanks to those three little words, I seriously don't even see how we have a FUTURE to look forward to!  I mean, here we are, desperately in need of something to help us with this incredibly difficult transition, and instead of grabbing on with both hands, he just SLAPS IT AWAY. "Im not interested"  WTF?!?!  Well I am, damn it. 

But as usual, I can't do this by myself.

BY MYSELF.  Those two words are the only ones I hate more than his three little words.


* if you want to cheer me up, come join in my weekly viral video linkup!  It goes up every Sunday and stays open until Monday night, midnight (Pacific time).  It's really been struggling lately, and I'm considering pulling the plug, but if YOU participate, maybe I can keep it going.  Keep SOMETHING going.*


Birdie said...

My husband is a reservist too, and has been home for a little over a year. I could have written this post, honestly, it mirrors my own life so much! Except lately we fight a lot. I don't know what will help. I wish I did. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, Gaile.

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