domestic un-goddess

I know I am going crazy when I CLEAN, without being nagged to do it.  I hate housework, because it is never really DONE, you know?  The perpetual nature of dishes, laundry, insert-least-favorite-chore-here, is enough to make any SANE mommy scream.  And I am not necessarily SANE, right?

I am what they call 'a few sandwiches short of a picnic'.

CRAZY.

Lately I feel so alone, even when I am around other people - I feel like no one understands, like I don't CONNECT with anyone.  Like I am on another freaking PLANET.  Its not just depression - there's a lot of anxiety swirling around in my overcrowded mind, too.  I keep feeling earthquakes that are not really happening, and every time I go down the stairs, I stop at the top landing and squeeze my eyes shut to try to block out this horrible vision of me FALLING down the stairs (usually holding the baby). I see and hear things that no one else seems to - I keep waiting for the people around me to react, and when they don't I am reminded once again of just how ALONE I am right now. How CRAZY I am right now.

I can claim to be 'functional' because I get everyone's basic needs met here at home, but in reality I am just going through the motions.  I mean, sure I feel some joy when I am laughing with the baby, and I feel pride when Knucklehead does something amazing, but I don't really FEEL anything in the way that I am used to.  It's like all of my feelings are sort of muted right now.

Does that even make sense?

So, today I caught myself in some really uncharacteristic behavior: CLEANING my kitchen.  Like really deep cleaning it, not just wiping down the section of counter that I was about to use, or anything like that.  My last meltdown culminated in me cleaning the entire house, and as good as it felt to HAVE a clean house, it was miserable to feel so....DRIVEN.  Like someone else was pulling my puppet strings and I had no choice but to clean and scrub. (I actually had a nightmare like that once!)  So, today when I felt that happening again, I made myself sit down and just tune everything out for a few minutes.

I looked around at my *slightly* messy house and tried to compare it with mental pictures of my house BEFORE I lost my mind. (this level of insanity is pretty recent, in case you're wondering.  like in the last 3 or 4 weeks).  And you know what? I'm making this mom gig look freaking EASY.  My house is nowhere near CLEAN at the moment, but it's actually in better shape than usual.  I am more 'caught-up' with laundry than usual.  My dishes are even (mostly) caught up.  I think I've accomplished all of this by sacrificing sleep, and THAT, my friends, is truly crazy.  And can CAUSE more crazy, in my opinion.

So, tonight, in an effort to find what little bit of sanity I may have left, I am IGNORING the messy house (like I always used to!) and am going to bed early.

Tweet much?

OK I realize I am pretty late in the game here, but today I finally created a twitter account. Now does anyone know how to put a 'follow' link here on my blog so my blog followers can follow me on twitter?

For now, if you want to add me I am @deploymentagain

(now I just need something interesting to tweet about!)

Military Monday Bloghop

I have not participated in a blog-hop in awhile, and found out about this one through the lovely Amber over at Goodnight Moon.  She was spotlighted for today on Marine Parents.

So, just want to introduce myself to my (potential) new followers, and say Thanks for stopping by if you came from the hop!  If you are not here because of the blog-hop, maybe you should link up and join in?



I should have a 'real' post again by tomorrow, and I already have a cool one scheduled for tomorrow over at The Wifey Blogs where I am a regular contributor. 

Today's blog post can be summed up in two words:

REINTEGRATION SUCKS.

*New followers, please feel free to leave a comment with your blog link so I can follow you back!

Make-up sex!

We have a loooooong way to go, but it looks like at least hubby and I are back on the bumpy road of marriage again. Even better, we're both facing in the same direction, ready to 'keep moving forward'.

Hubby has agreed to go see a counselor, and we had the BEST time apologizing to each other in bed. ;) I have to remind myself we're getting old, though. I did something to my knee while 'changing positions' and now have a hard time climbing the stairs! Ha ha ha.

I'm cautiously optimistic about the outcome of this.....and starting to feel a little better about my meltdown, because without it we might still be where we've been for weeks: miserable and lonely, and unwilling/unable to do anything about it.

That did not go well.

Finally had a confrontation with hubby about this insanity and.....

He's leaving.

I hope he gets some help (I start therapy for me next week).

I hope I can welcome him home with open arms if/when he's ready to come back.

But, in all honesty:


More than anything I am so fucking RELIEVED that I don't have to pretend any more!

I feel like such a fucking failure right now, but at least now I am not a FAKE failure. Now I can be the genuine article.

No bullshit.

Crap.

I am so freaking angry right now, it hurts. Literally HURTS.

I'm PISSED.

I've been hanging by a thread for awhile now, and no amount of pretending can save me from the inevitable fall that will happen when my grip gives out.

Which honestly could happen any time now.

Maybe even today.

This anger is just going to eat away at me until I let it all out. I desperately want to let it out here, in blogland, where I feel safe. But I think it is only fair to Hubby that I talk this out with him first, since he is the one I feel like killing.

Yes, I am mad at my husband. Surprised? You shouldn't be! Read back through my blog, you'll see what I mean.

While I try to figure out a way to express this anger, I feel like complete shit, and I think I am having a panic attack. Or a heart attack.

Either way, getting mad freaking hurts. I don't like this.

Mommy meltdown.

I am pretty sure I am having some sort of nervous breakdown.

My kids all hate me.  Well, not the baby.  Not yet, anyway.  I could probably cope with the kids hating me, if I at least knew where things stand with Hubby.  But I don't.  So I can't.

This past weekend I finally could not contain the crazy any more.  I freaking LOST it.

I screamed, cried, and went into what could only be described as a manic episode.  The result was a REALLY clean house (but please don't ask me to find anything specific, because I may or may not have put away things that don't necessarily have an assigned 'home').

Oh yeah, and I think I scared the crap out of my hubby.

I still don't think he really gets just how much I am hurting, or how much HE could be helping me here, but I do think he at least gets how CRAZY I am right now. 

I don't know if this will bring about change for the better, or change for the worse, or maybe it won't change ANYTHING.  But I wasn't trying to change anything - I was only reacting. 

I was trying to express the fear, anger, despair, and loneliness that has defined the past several weeks of my life.

Not my finest moment, to be sure.