yet another picture post

I was checking my blog stats the other day - and in addition to some cool stuff like 67% of you are viewing this blog using Explorer, and 17% view it through firefox, etc etc etc, I noticed that the posts that get the most hits are my picture posts.

So, in a roundabout way, you've told me what you want - and I am giving it to you! 

I might make this a regular monthly or weekly thing, but for now, it will happen whenever I clean up my camera.  Or whenever I can't think of anything to write about.  Or both.

So, here is a sampling of the pictures I have taken in the past couple of weeks:

My neice Gracie hiding under the table in her playroom

Bobblehead sleeping in his second favorite spot - on Daddy!

(his first choice of course, would be hooked onto my breast)

The 'perfect brownie pan'...first use

They really are PERFECT!  Crazy. 

My boys say the brownies are a little small.

Bobblehead with his cousin

(Bobblehead is on the right)

Loving this Pooh Bear!

Had a bottle of breastmilk left from the babysitter's

and gave it to him to play with in the highchair

while I made dinner - smart baby managed

to drink most of the milk by himself!

Mommy's little 'gadget guy'....watching Baby Einstein clips via YouTube on my iPad

We had Bobblehead baptized a couple weeks ago,

and he wore the same outfit his daddy wore many (MANY) years ago!

And yes, I do know that I could have used a little makeup that day.

Tell that to Bobblehead, he makes the schedule around here!

Cousins hanging out again :)

Finally enjoying 'tummy time'!  YAY!

Wrestling with Curious George

Looks like George won.

Our new bedroom furniture. 

This is the picture on the box,

not a picture of my actual room - but you get the idea, right?

Epiphany.

I wanted to write about this last week when it happened, but better late than never, right?

I had an epiphany, or 'lightbulb moment'.

I was sitting in my favorite chair, nursing the baby, when it dawned on me:

HUBBY IS JEALOUS of Bobblehead. 

OK, he's not directly jealous of the baby, but these days hubby definitely does not get as much of the mommy-ing type of attention I have always given him.  It's only natural for Bobblehead to get first priority for my attention right now, and only natural for Hubby to feel a little neglected.

I don't know for sure if this has anything to do with his loss of libido, but I can say for sure that things are going better ever since I started putting more effort into TAKING CARE of my husband last week.

I wish I had figured this out sooner!

Of course, it could just be a coincidence - maybe hubby was just at that point last week that he was ready to start being a 'couple' again, and it just so happened to be at the point when I started putting more effort into the domestic side of things. 

His miraculous recovery (it's not complete yet but looking good so far!) could also have something to do with the fact that I went back to work last week. My job is so ridiculously part-time it is not even worth mentioning - especially since I literally take home less than $150/month after paying the babysitter - but keeping this job does secure my status as a school district employee....making it easier to find a 'real' job when the time comes.  So, he might be a little less worried about our future now that I have taken that step toward being more employable down the line, and that reduced worry could definitely have put him more 'in the mood'.

It could also be the new bedroom set that we bought last week - FINALLY!  I gave up a few years ago on us ever finding affordable bedroom furniture that we both liked.  His taste is very modern, and mine is very traditional.  Anyway, Hubby just found this set at Costco and we both LOVED it, so now it is in our bedroom.  We actually had T.V. trays as our night stands for the last five years - can you say TACKY?  Now we're all grown-up all of a sudden.  But not too grown-up for a little *BOOM CHICKA WOW WOW*

Things still are not great, but every day I see more and more of the old Hubby shining through.  Getting better every day.

Yesterday I managed to work my two short shifts, deal with two different contractors here at the house, take care of Bobblehead AND take care of sick Knucklehead, and still made awesome breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my hubby. 

Oh, and I made cupcakes, too.

(did I mention that Bobblehead is teething and miserable?  Poor baby.  Ha - who am I kidding, what I meant to say was 'POOR MOMMY"!!!!)

alive and kicking

I hate when life keeps me from blogging - almost as much as I hate missing sleep (which I am doing right now, to catch you up)

So, the updates:

Hubby and I never actually had that talk that I planned.  He got home really late that night, so I didn't have a chance to butter him up.

I have tried to bring things up a few times since then, but my timing seriously sucks.  Giving up on 'the talk' for now.

HOWEVER.....

Things are getting a little bit better.  Slowly but surely.

Hubby is using his leave time to 'nest', which he has never really done in the four years we've lived here, or really even at our old house.  He is taking on home improvement projects that I never even knew he wanted to do, and has literally made a difference in every room in the house.  He even helped the kids tear apart and reorganize the playroom!  My favorite project so far: we got new bedroom furniture!  We still have to put the bed frame together today, and I really wish I had taken a 'before' picture.  We have been using t.v. trays as nightstands in our room for four years, and our bed has never had a real frame with a headboard.  Kind of cool to be actual grownups now.  :)  And part of me hopes that his extra efforts in the bedroom will not stop at buying furniture, of course! *WINK*

I do have to say, that area has improved a little, as well.  Not a lot, but still.....something is better than nothing.  In time, I think we could possibly get back to our old '2 or 3 times a week' habit.  And maybe some of those times won't be a QUICKIE?  Not that I am complaining, of course - a quickie is still fun!  But the thing I miss the most about our sex life is the intimacy, and there really isn't much time to connect when there's no foreplay, and very little cuddling afterward. 

We'll get there, eventually.

In the meantime, I am trying REALLY hard to focus on my own health, especially my weight.  I am walking more, eating less, and making better food choices overall.  This is really not that hard.  The difficult thing for me is to find another coping mechanism besides food to get me through the rough times.  When I am having a bad day, I eat.  When I am sad/lonely/angry etc, I eat.  This is clearly not doing me (or my sex life) any favors, so I am putting a stop to it - but needing a new vice. I need something less damaging to do for comfort.

Any suggestions? 

What do you do to pull yourself out of a funk?  Or, when you need to have a pity party all by yourself, what do you reach for?  (please don't say ice cream, because that's exactly what I need to get AWAY from).

Keep on keepin' on

Not much has changed since my last post, except that all the "crazy" I've been keeping inside me is building more pressure, preparing to explode.

I absolutely HAVE to discuss this with my honey, but I know, 100% for sure, that this conversation will lead to a big ugly fight.  The last thing I want to do is FIGHT with him, but our current version of 'getting along' feels pretty darned crappy, too.

So, in hopes of at least getting through the fight quickly & easily (and hopefully getting around to some make-up sex?!?!) I am making hubby's favorite meal tonight: my signature tacos.  I also prepared a yummy dessert - here's the recipe:

Brownie Cherry Cheesecake

Brownie Layer:

1 brownie mix (for 8x8 inch pan)

1/3 cup oil

1/3 cup water

1 egg

(or whatever ingredients are stated on the package)

Cheesecake Layer:

2 eggs

2 cans sweetened condensed milk

2 packages cream cheese, softened

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 cans cherry pie filling

Prepare brownie mix as directed on package.

Spread batter in a 10" or 12" round spring form pan

that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray.

Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.

Meanwhile, beat eggs, sweetened condensed milk,

cream cheese, and vanilla until creamy and smooth.

When brownie layer is baked, immediately

pour cheesecake filling on top.

Spread carefully to edges of brownie.

Bake 30-40 minutes more, or until cheesecake is set and firm.

Cool for 2 hours.

Top with cherry pie filling.

(Flavor is best served at room temperature,

but should be stored in refrigerator.)

(Serves 12)

 
 
And, just IN CASE we get around to some make-up sex (or ANY sex at all!!!!) I changed the sheets on our bed  - my favorite super soft 1000 thread count egyptian cotton sheets.  This is also just in case we DON'T get around to the make-up sex part - if I have to cry myself to sleep again tonight, at least I can sleep comfortably on my favorite sheets.
 
The way to this man's heart has always been through his stomach - so awesome tacos followed by MORE awesome dessert might get him in a good frame of mind before I sit him down to discuss the general crappiness that is my life right now, and what I/we can do to make it better.  I'm pretty sure he is really miserable too, but is afraid to complain about it - sort of a "don't rock the boat" mentality.  Well with both of us thinking that way, this boat is NEVER going to get anywhere. 
 
SO I will keep on keeping on, and will do what I can to get us back on course.
 
WISH ME LUCK!

on the other hand

My life is a series of contradictions these days. 

I am so thrilled to have hubby back - but also halfway wish he was still 'over there'.....because then I would have an excuse for this deep loneliness.  Have you ever laid next to someone in bed and felt as though they are really worlds away? Half a world away is definitely better than that. Reunited, but still very separate.

Bonehead is still screwing up - in two separate incidents at school last week, he was suspended for telling a teacher off (using the F-word) and then later was ARRESTED by campus police for threatening a teacher. But then today I got his first semester report card, and he is PASSING all of his classes, for the first time in, well, EVER. I'm so embarrassed by his behavior last week, and yet so proud of him for somehow passing all of his classes.

For the first time in my life, I have recently started to really take pride in my home, and really WANT to keep things nice and organized (as opposed to the usual slob routine that culminates in a desperate stuffing episode to hide my clutter whenever company comes over)....and yet, I am SOOOOOO tired and SOOOOOO busy with Bobblehead, I literally can't even keep up with the dishes for an entire day.  I finally WANT to be a really great home-maker, and simply can't do it.

Oh, and then there's work.  I am supposed to go back to my part-time job next week, leaving Bobblehead with my neighbor/friend for an hour every morning and an hour every afternoon. I am SO conflicted about this! I desperately need some exercise, which this job will give me, and I really really miss my paycheck, no matter how teeny-tiny it is.  But I know I will miss Bobblehead for every minute we're apart - and of course my teeny tiny paycheck will be even smaller since I am paying my friend for babysitting. *sigh*

And the very best contradiction....as I write this, I am more tired than I have been in, well, EVER.....and I know for a fact that I will toss and turn all night, unable to sleep as I try to reconcile even ONE of these crazy situations in my head. 

A glass of wine would really help with this....BUT I am breastfeeding, so yeah, NOT HAPPENING tonight.

Confessions

This may be a little TOO honest for some people....but I hope I don't lose any friends or followers over this post.

So, first confession: I am so RELIEVED whenever hubby leaves for work. Things have been so tense around here, that when he leaves it's like a mini-vacation for me.

Awful, right? I think I totally FAIL at being a wife.

Confession number two: Sometimes I fantasize about running away - all by myself, just starting over where no one knows me.

Horrible. I fail at being a mommy too.

Hubby started his leave tonight, and will be around A LOT for the next few weeks. This will either be a very good thing, or will be very, very bad.

My old positive self seems to have disappeared, and my negative self is trembling in fear at what this leave will bring.

And the biggest confession: no matter how much I love my husband (and I always will) right now I really don't LIKE him very much at all. Sometimes I think I might even hate him.

Actually, what I really hate is deployment. And reintegration.