more running to stand still

I've been trying to sit down and blog for the past few days, but just don't know what to say.  I even missed Amber's music linkup for the first time EVER. This week has just sucked SO BAD.  I posted earlier in the week about some of the struggles we're dealing with as a family, but can't even really put into words what I'm actually going through right now.

Bonehead came home yesterday, but has been a complete jerk since he got here.  I feel like I'm bending over backward to please everyone and all it gets me is kicked in the teeth.  I seriously think that I will soon be the mother of a HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT.  Sad thing is, this kid is such a genius! He's throwing so much away right now.  I did make it clear to him that I am on his side, and that is exactly WHY his last day to live here will be Nov 24 (his 18th birthday).  Seems I'm good at kicking people out, huh? :(

Speaking of which, I finally talked to my hubby for a few minutes on the phone yesterday - first contact we've had since I asked him to leave last Monday following his meltdown.  He is still very angry about pretty much everything, mostly just mad at ME at the moment for making him go.  It's not like he left me any choice, the way he blew up here!  I'm a little bit scared that he'll blow up like that at work, where he carries a gun.....the consequences could be SO MUCH WORSE than just having to go stay with his grandmother for awhile.  Not scared enough to actually call his supervisors to warn them or anything, but still it's a little nagging worry in the back of my mind.  I'm also a little scared that he will retaliate financially against me & the kids - you know, stop paying the mortgage, etc. I have a new job starting this week, but it will basically only be enough to feed us & that's it - I can't pay any of the other household expenses with the little bit of money I'll be making.  And, when I look at this honestly, I am still scared that he could come back here to confront me, try to force his way into the house, etc, and this time really hurt someone.  If I was not physically afraid of him, I would not have asked him to leave to begin with.

I keep waiting for him to call and actually APOLOGIZE to me.  Not a weak, "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" kind of thing, but a true, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" kind of thing.  Maybe with flowers, I guess, I don't know.  But he's not anywhere near even recognizing how far he went this time, and even if he does recognize that he crossed a line, he won't admit that to anyone else.

I reach for my phone several times a day to call or text him, but I always manage to talk myself out of it, knowing he really needs some time and some space to figure things out right now.  It is SO HARD for me to just leave it be....but I know in my heart that I HAVE TO leave it, for now at least.  So I keep busy instead, and by the time I even have TIME to call or text him, it's well past bedtime.  He turns his phone off when he goes to bed, so at least that normally keeps me from acting on the urge to at least CHECK on him.  Last night after a glass (or 3) of wine, I finally did send him a sappy text about how I will always love him, even if it has to be from a distance.  He didn't even get the text until late this morning, and of course now that I am sober I'm kicking myself for sending it.

MUST. RESIST. TEMPTATION.

:/

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now I have to look at this as though I am the parent and Hubby is the child here (because psychologically, he kind of IS....or at least is acting like a child!)  If I give in and let him come home WITHOUT getting help, he'll never get help.  On top of that, he'll never take me seriously again, which would then be setting me up for a lifetime of abuse.  I CAN'T live that way, and I sure as hell don't want my boys to grow up seeing that example of how to treat a woman!  I put my foot down, and now I have to stand by my word.....he can NOT come home until he has gotten some help - at least counseling, preferably coupled with some pysch meds.  The meds part is not a deal breaker for me, but I know he could be so much more functional/content/HAPPY with a llittle chemical help right now.

*sigh* Well, off to do a little more running nowhere - literally this time, on a treadmill.  Then I'll run around and stay busy the rest of the day so I won't follow up that text with a 'please come home' text.  I really do miss him, but even when he is HERE, he's not really himself anyway - not since Afghanistan.  I want my REAL hubby back!  The one I would never have needed to be AFRAID of.  The one who used to laugh and play and LIVE his life.  OUR life, together.   I'm pretty sure THAT man is never coming back, and the grief over that is overwhelming.

prayer request

I don't usually do this, but am asking you all to please say a prayer for my family tonight.  Last week my teenager, AKA "Bonehead" ran away - he is safe at a friend's house for now, but needs to come home and handle things here......he's risking throwing away his last opportunity to graduate this year, and therefore losing his best opportunity to get into the military.

On top of the teenager issues, my marriage is in trouble, AND my hubby is struggling with more mental health issues (which he STILL has not gotten help for).... this morning he lost his temper to the point that he got physical.  No one was hurt, but he scared the crap out of all of us.  I had to ask him to leave.  It breaks my heart to be the one who is 'kicking him out' when he so clearly needs a LOT of love and patience right now, but I can't risk him hurting me or the kids in a blind rage.  I'm seriously hoping and praying that this will be the final straw for him, the one thing that will MAKE him go and get help.

He has gone to a few counseling sessions in the past year, but I know he is not being honest with the therapist - so how is she supposed to help him?  He's been referred to a psychiatrist, and WOW, if anyone needs psych meds right now, it's my husband - but he "doesn't have time" to go see the psychiatrist. I pray that he will now MAKE time, and will take his mental health as seriously as he's always taken his physical health.

I truly hate to air our dirty laundry here like this, but you already all know how much we've struggled with his mental health issues (and MINE) since he returned from deployment 14 months ago.  The 'reintegration' ugliness is mostly over, but if he doesn't find a way to heal his mind, it won't matter.

Please, just say a prayer for peace and health for my whole family.

THANKS.

be careful what you wish for (and Happy Valentine's Day)

In April 2009, when it seemed my entire life was upside down, I lost my job as a preschool director.  I had been with that agency for over two years, and was miserable for at least the last year of it because of the difference between my personal philosophy and that of my bosses (yes, bossES, as in, plural.  Another headache there).

Anyway, I looked for another preschool job, initially focusing on administrative positions, but broadening my search fairly quickly to include applying for entry-level on up.  I was repeatedly told that I was 'overqualified' for so many jobs, before finally landing my current VERY PART TIME job as a school crossing guard.  Somehow my degree and credential did NOT over-qualify me for holding up a stop sign in a crosswalk for an hour every morning and another hour in the afternoon. (?)

I was 4 months pregnant with Bobblehead when I was hired for this job, so I was happy that it was so part-time.  I've kept my ear to the ground since then for a PRESCHOOL job, but wasn't searching very aggressively because I knew we didn't have many QUALITY infant/toddler child care programs in the area for my little Bobblehead.  Once he is 18 months old, our selection of viable child care choices becomes HUGE, so I started applying like crazy for everything I could a couple weeks ago. (Bobblehead is now 17 months old).

One position that I applied for was a Preschool Director position a couple towns away....about a 30 minute commute if there's no traffic.  The neighborhood is bad, the school is in a very SAD state of disrepair, and the owners don't seem to know what they're doing.  They have 30 children enrolled right now, in a program that is licensed for over 150 children!  Still, I was up for the challenge and they seemed to really WANT me, especially after I talked to them about marketing ideas, curriculum implementation, etc during my second interview with them.  They have an infant/toddler program there, though the quality is, well. QUESTIONABLE.  As the director, I would definitely have the power to turn that around, but still I was not exactly ANXIOUS to bring Bobblehead there.  I told myself I could work around that, maybe have my sister watch him for the first month or so while I worked to get the program into shape.  I just wanted the job so bad!  Unfortunately, they were only willing to offer about HALF of what I expected to earn there, so it was not a winning proposition for me.  I don't know who they finally hired to do that job, but she has an uphill battle ahead of her! (Especially since the owners clearly are not willing to spend any money to make money with this program)

I applied for several other positions, had LOTS of great job interviews, and finally this week hit paydirt....sorta.  Our valley's one-and-only QUALITY program for infants and toddlers opened just a couple months ago, and they are rapidly growing and filling that part of the school as word gets out that they're there.  They advertised looking for a qualified Infant teacher to accommodate that growth, so naturally I was interested!  Not administrative, but a GREAT program for my baby Bobblehead, so definitely something I wanted. Bad.

I wore this to the interview:

(I was going for professional, but approachable, and my hair was totally AWESOME that day, which must have helped...)

I totally NAILED the interview!  So much so, that they actually called me within about two hours after I left, to offer me the job......but NOT the Infant Room job I interviewed for.  I will actually be teaching TWO-YEAR-OLDS (my least favorite age to work with, besides of course TEENAGERS. Teenagers are the worst).  The pay is mere peanuts for someone with my experience and qualifications, but they offered me a whopping 75% discount for Bobblehead's tuition there!  That's what made it a no-brainer to accept the job, since the SAVINGS in child care costs adds up to $9000/year of income-in-kind, TAX FREE.  Also, the two-year-olds class placement for me is TEMPORARY, since they won't let me be Bobblehead's teacher, and he will be moving into the Two's room in September.  They're not sure where they'll move me in the fall, but they're working on that... frankly I don't care, ANY position will be better than teaching two-year-olds!  I don't mind the diapering, and have an infinite amount of patience for little ones......but two year olds are just so.....INTENSE.  I'll be sure to update you all in a few weeks (I start the job March 1).

Oh yeah, did I mention this whole interview/job offer whirlwind happened on Valentine's Day?  I was worried that the stress of that whole thing could ruin our evening, but not to worry - my teenager Bonehead was one step ahead, ruining our entire WEEK.  He took off again that afternoon after a particularly heated exchange with my husband, and has not been home since.  He has called me twice, and I know where he spent the first couple of nights (not sure where he slept last night).  He is *technically* a 'runaway' right now, but I haven't reported him to police or anything.  I know he is safe (for now) but more than that, I am not rushing to get him home because I don't know how to deal with him any more!  I do know that anything I do to try to exert any kind of control over him will just push him further away.  I'm still gun-shy after what happened with my daughter 4 years ago (she is STILL not speaking to me after I took away her car to get her to stop ditching school in the beginning of her Senior year of high school).  I'm hoping Bonehead will calm down and come home on his own, and since we have a four-day weekend right now, he has plenty of time to do that.  He is such a  pain in the butt most of the time, but when he's NOT being a pain, he is so awesome with his baby brother!  Bobblehead really enjoys running around and playing with him, and Bonehead is the ONLY one who can get him to keep his superhero masks on long enough for a picture.

Back to my Valentine's though.....hubby gave me my gift a day early, a new iPad 2!  My old iPad was pretty beat up after two years of being dropped frequently, so I am thrilled with my gift.  I think hubby also REALLY liked his gift....Pinup photos of me!  

I can't post most of them here, even though they're all 'tasteful'.  I had so much fun taking the photos, and I know that hubby likes the more confident and sexy 'me' that came out of that whole process.  Definitely doing another set for him after I get to my goal weight/size! And as for our ruined evening, we decided on a raincheck to go out for a nice romantic dinner WITH NO KIDS.  Update on that later, too.  (or NOT *wink wink*)

Hope you all enjoyed some sweet lovin this week!  for my milspouse followers, I know many of you wish you could just SEE your man for special days......but while he's out there saving the world, you'll have to settle for posting something like this on your FB to make your civilian friends jealous:

Music Linkup week 46 - How Will I Know?

Whitney Houston’s death probably has some effect on all of us, some more than others. I’m definitely in the ‘more’ category. I literally grew up listening to Whitney!  The first time I got up and sang in front of a group was a duet with my sister, singing “Greatest Love of All”.  (Disclaimer: I really can’t sing AT ALL)

My first ever Talent Show dance performance, in 6^th grade, was also to a Whitney song:

(Disclaimer: I also really can’t dance, AT ALL.  Unless there is alcohol involved, which of course there wasn’t in 6^th grade).  I keep checking YouTube every so often to see if anyone who videotaped that Talent Show has posted my pathetic performance, but luckily nothing has shown up yet.  I’m mortified enough just remembering the costumes that my friend Michelle & I wore – we had these little black briefs, white t-shirts, black coat-and-tails, with fluorescent orange bow-ties.  I don’t even remember what shoes we wore….this was like 1986-ish I think? **Ahem. Yes, I know I’m old.**

My first breakup had me in a weeks-long pity party with an all-Whitney soundtrack.  My first real kiss, my first school dance, my first perm (yes, I know you’re laughing now – it’s OK, so am I!).  So many of my firsts are associated with Whitney Houston’s amazing voice. 

I’m so very sad to know we’ll never hear another epic Whitney performance!  I’m grateful for the talent she shared with the world, but still sad knowing she had so much more that was really just wasted.  Tragic.  Another beautiful talented star succumbs to the pressure of fame & fortune.

I need to go do something to cheer up now.  I think I wanna dance with somebody (with somebody who loooooves me).  You should really get your groove on now, too!  Go link up with Amber over at Goodnight Moon - tell her I said Hi, and then go visit some of the other lovely bloggers who linked up this week.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to leave me a little comment love - I'd love to know what YOUR favorite Whitney song is!

Strong is the new SKINNY

Remember last spring when I posted about being fat?  I actually followed it up with another post about what it actually FEELS like to be fat, and then I entered a local weight loss competition.  I've mentioned it here before, and if you want to read the details about it, you can check out my weight loss blog.

My reason for bringing it up now, is that I really haven't ever updated you all on my actual progress.  YAY FOR PROGRESS!  For starters, I have lost over 50 lbs since September 10.

I've lost more than 20 inches, 8 of those just from my waist.

I have dropped from a size 24 to a size 16, and of course am still shrinking. I even fit into SOME size 14 clothes!

I seriously feel like a new woman. I look (and feel!) so much YOUNGER than I did six months ago, and I have so much more ENERGY! The energy part is probably due more to proper nutrition than to exercise, but everyone knows that working out really gives you more energy, right?

I'm working out at least once a day, six days a week. At least twice a week, and up to five times a week, I do a second workout (2-a-day). My main exercise is cardio, of course, to burn all the fat. In addition I do strength training, zumba, and yoga and am looking into starting some new workout classes to keep my body guessing.

A few weeks ago I did a 'spin' class for my first time ever.  At the end of that hour, I decided it would likely be my LAST time ever, as well.  Seriously, why do they make those stupid seats on spin bikes SO PAINFUL?  I had a bruise in the exact size and shape of that seat marking up my butt (and my hoohoo) for at least 5 full days. Um, NO THANKS!  Especially since I only burned about 600 calories in that one hour spin class, and I can burn 1000+ in workout classes that combine cardio with resistance.  Instead of going back to Spin, I started P90X, and am LOVING the new 'Bodypump' barbell workout at 24 hour fitness.

My time is pretty limited overall, but I am trying really hard to juggle things to allow myself more time for blogging - I MISS my bloggy friends! So many of you have helped me SO MUCH with your love and support as I went through this very difficult reintegration (which still isn't necessarily OVER, but it looks like the roughest part is) as well as through my difficult weight loss journey.  Someone asked me if I was 'bringing sexy back' and I replied that I don't NEED to bring sexy back, as long as I can take my "ME" back.

As far as my goals are concerned, I am still shooting for 145 lbs OR a size 10, but more important than this, I want to be STRONG.  Skinny people look great in their clothes, but FIT PEOPLE LOOK GREAT NAKED.  I sooooo wanna look good naked!  (not posting THOSE before & after pics, sorry LOL)

Music linkup week 45 - St Elmo's Fire

OK, ready to laugh at me again?  This song definitely dates me, but whatever.

If you've been reading me for awhile, you know that I recently took part in a local weight loss competition, which completely CHANGED MY LIFE.  I have a pending post about this, which I should be able to finish and publish this week sometime.  Anyway, the girl who won the contest is now a very good friend, and she inspires me every day.  Even when she's not trying to inspire me, she does, just by CALING me.....because THIS IS HER RINGTONE ON MY PHONE:

It was especially cool that she called me today while I was out running, because the song (and the great news she was calling me with) gave me an extra burst of energy to finish my run.

You don't even have to know anything about the movie or the story behind it, just listen to the lyrics!  Don't you totally feel like you can 'climb the highest mountain' now?

Or at the very least, don't you feel like posting an inspirational song to share with the rest of us?!  Go ahead, post it, and then be sure to link up over at Goodnight Moon.  Thanks for grooving with me again this week!

music linkup week 44 - Beds Are Burning

When I was a kid I could not understand what this song was about AT ALL, but I liked it.  Now that I know a little more about the world, and about 'green' living, I think of this song any time there is a man-made disaster that effects the environment.

So, naturally, when news broke this week about a possible radiation leak at our friendly neighborhood power plant in San Onofre, CA this song popped into my head - and it won't leave!

Catchy, huh?

For those living on or near Pendleton, I hope and pray that this is all just a false alarm.  And for our children's sake (and our grandchildren, great grandchildren, etc) I truly do hope that we find a way to 'give it back' like the song says :)

OK, stepping off my environmentalist soap box now..... have you linked up your song yet? (and WHY NOT???)  Hurry and go see Amber over at Goodnight Moon, see what all the fuss is about, and then JOIN IN!

(this song is in YOUR head now, too, right?  HA HA HA!)