I have so many things to be happy about right now, but the biggest is BIG BIG BIG news....the deployment is OFF! Hubby is NOT preparing to leave for nearly a year! He'll still return to his regular work schedule in a week or so, which often takes him away from us for 3 or 4 days at a time, but he gets to come HOME a lot, too. I'm still so nervous about my own return to work as I adjust to the new baby, give Bobblehead enough attention, etc. but now I am more excited than nervous.
I get to CELEBRATE having this beautiful baby (who still needs a blog name - any suggestions?)
I get to CELEBRATE Bonehead leaving for Navy boot camp in 3 weeks
I get to CELEBRATE my Doula business, which is still growing despite my current hiatus from attending births (more demand for Birth Photography and Placenta Encapsulation, both of which I CAN do without having to be away from baby for so long)
I get to CELEBRATE my birthday AND Mother's Day with my hubby by my side! Not on the other side of the world! YAY!
I get to CELEBRATE the baby's upcoming baptism, and enjoy time with family & friends
I get to CELEBRATE my blogiversary, which I think passed a few weeks ago.....I've been blogging here for three years already! Maybe this should be celebrated with a giveaway?
But mostly, just ready to celebrate the deployment being cancelled. SO freaking exciting for this tired, overwhelmed mommy!
Showing posts with label milspouse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label milspouse. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Wife Swap (?)
I realize that I owe you all an update (yes, I actually AM aware of the passing of time in this crazy life of mine) but instead I am writing this in response to Kristle's recent SpouseBuzz article about Wife Swap (read her post HERE).
Having never actually watched an entire episode of Wife Swap, it is tough for me to say whether or not I would be willing to do this show (I am guessing NOT....and it is a moot point because Jarhead would NEVER agree to this!!!) however, even if I was willing to swap, and even if hubby agreed to it, I know for a fact that the show's producers could NEVER find anyone willing to take on my insane life for any period of time.
The manual I would have to leave for anyone so crazy would probably go something like this:
"Welcome to our insane asylum. If you did not bring your own meds, well sorry - you'll wish you had. If you feel the need to 'borrow' some, borrow mine, they're the BEST. But they always run out, so good luck with that. In an emergency, you can borrow my 'backup meds':
As you will notice when you enter our home, dust is a NOUN here, not a verb. (it is something that is HERE, not something I DO) If this bothers you, feel free to waste your time constantly shifting the never-ending supply of dust from one surface to another. I prefer to spend my time tending to the needs of all the men in my life:
This is Jarhead.
He is always right. Don't question it, just know that he IS always right. He has a charming mix of Bi-polar symptoms and O.C.D., with A.D.D. tendencies and some violent anger outbursts thrown in for fun. I am pretty sure this is actually undiagnosed PTSD, unless maybe he is taking asshole pills behind my back. DON'T POKE THIS BEAR. He doesn't regularly take any meds, much to my dismay. Your best bet is to provide timely meals that are at least a little appealing, with plenty of salt and cold Coke Zero. Desserts help, too. Serve with a remote control on the side, and stay out of his line of sight. Do NOT, under any circumstances, make fun of his incessant channel surfing. He is only home 3 out of every seven days, so just keep the peace while he's home, and you can breathe easier and stop walking on eggshells for four straight days.
This is Bonehead.
He will be 18 in 149 days, but who's counting? He is ridiculously funny, but even more ridiculously inappropriate. If you are easily offended, bring ear plugs or an iPod so you can ignore him. 99.9% of everything that comes out of his mouth is a meaningless joke, anyway. He can be trusted to babysit the toddler for a few hours at a time, but be prepared to come home to this scene if you take advantage of this:
This is Knucklehead.
He is our 'perfect child'. Or was, until he hit middle school. Now he occasionally brings out a teenage attitude, but generally uses this to go pout in solitude. He can be trusted to watch the toddler, but is not great about changing diapers - so limit your errands to 2 hours or less, if you leave Knucklehead in charge. He will spend his free time playing videogames, shooting hoops at the park down the street, or playing with his little brother. He is low-maintenance, but don't forget to give him some attention or you'll see that attitude I mentioned above.
This is Bobblehead.
He loves eggs and hates being told what to do. He knows he is cute, so beware! He will use those dimples against you if he can. He naps pretty well (finally!) and sleeps through the night, but is very dependent on certain routines and comfort items to make this happen. See the 'sleep manual' provided in a separate volume. He wiggles during diaper changes, as he seems to think his purpose in life is to streak around the house naked. He throws a mean tantrum, but can usually be distracted from a fit with a ball; any ball will work, but basketballs are his favorite. He also loves splashing in water... ANY kind of water (keep bathrooms off limits or he will play in the toilet)
What would you put in your manual, if you went on Wife Swap? Post in the comments below, or better yet make a blog post about this and put the link in a comment below :)
As always, THANKS SO MUCH for reading!
Having never actually watched an entire episode of Wife Swap, it is tough for me to say whether or not I would be willing to do this show (I am guessing NOT....and it is a moot point because Jarhead would NEVER agree to this!!!) however, even if I was willing to swap, and even if hubby agreed to it, I know for a fact that the show's producers could NEVER find anyone willing to take on my insane life for any period of time.
The manual I would have to leave for anyone so crazy would probably go something like this:
"Welcome to our insane asylum. If you did not bring your own meds, well sorry - you'll wish you had. If you feel the need to 'borrow' some, borrow mine, they're the BEST. But they always run out, so good luck with that. In an emergency, you can borrow my 'backup meds':
As you will notice when you enter our home, dust is a NOUN here, not a verb. (it is something that is HERE, not something I DO) If this bothers you, feel free to waste your time constantly shifting the never-ending supply of dust from one surface to another. I prefer to spend my time tending to the needs of all the men in my life:
This is Jarhead.
This is Bonehead.
(yes, that is a baby asleep in a laundry hamper)
Bonehead can also be very violent if provoked, and stands a full 6' 4" so don't poke THIS bear, either. His primary trigger is anyone mentioning his Asperger's Syndrome, or anything that he perceives to be a reference to this. One recent meltdown started with me saying, "you would be good at X" because he assumed that my reason for thinking he would be good at it was because of his Asperger's. Just give him something constructive to do each day, and give very clear & concise instructions. If you leave room for interpretation, YOU WILL GET his interpretation (and it won't match anything you could ever come up with on your own). Ask him to show you his speed-solving skills with his Rubik's Cube - this is phenomenal to see, and he is always happy to show off.This is Knucklehead.
He is our 'perfect child'. Or was, until he hit middle school. Now he occasionally brings out a teenage attitude, but generally uses this to go pout in solitude. He can be trusted to watch the toddler, but is not great about changing diapers - so limit your errands to 2 hours or less, if you leave Knucklehead in charge. He will spend his free time playing videogames, shooting hoops at the park down the street, or playing with his little brother. He is low-maintenance, but don't forget to give him some attention or you'll see that attitude I mentioned above.
This is Bobblehead.
His language has been a little slow to develop, but is now picking up, so you can expect him to learn hundreds of new words during your stay here. Please don't teach him any four-letter-words, as I have worked very hard to curb my own swearing to keep him from repeating anything that might embarrass me, say, at church. Or at the Christian Preschool where I teach (that's another whole manual there). Bobblehead gives the BEST cuddles, so if there are no 'meds' or 'backup meds' in the house, his snuggly hugs and kisses should get you through the rough days. They certainly do for me."
What would you put in your manual, if you went on Wife Swap? Post in the comments below, or better yet make a blog post about this and put the link in a comment below :)
As always, THANKS SO MUCH for reading!
Friday, March 2, 2012
did i say that out loud???
Just a warning right from the start - this post might piss a lot of people off. That is NOT my intention, however, human nature being what it is, I know that it is a likely result.
My intention in sharing this is actually twofold - I need to get some negative crap off my chest, and I want to bring awareness to the struggle that so many other spouses like me are going through RIGHT NOW. Maybe you know one, and maybe you'll approach her differently after you read this (?) Or maybe you'll just sit down and write me a nasty email for being honest.
So, you know that scene in Jerry Maguire, where he basically has a nervous breakdown & then a manic episode, during which he writes his mission statement (the title is something like, 'the things we think but do not say') and he makes sure that EVERYONE in his company gets a copy........then he wakes up, realizes that he wants to take back EVERY WORD, and then realizes it is too late? Yeah, THAT moment. Have you ever felt like that? I have a feeling I will feel that way within about 15 seconds after I click "PUBLISH POST" but I am posting this anyway, knowing that it actually NEEDS to be said. My integrity won't let me delete this post for the sake of being politically correct, or for the sake of looking like the dutiful, obedient mil-spouse I am supposed to be.
FUCK THAT. Oh yeah, sorry, language advisory. *AHEM*
Anyway, the thought that has sprung into my head at least a couple of times in the past 14 months, the one that will probably make you want to slap me, is one that I really can't SPEAK OUT LOUD. I'm actually shaking as I type this, because even putting it out in the blogosphere is so very taboo. The horrible thought is this little tiny voice in the back of my head, that I can barely hear over the wails of despair over a particularly rough day/night/week dealing with my (invisibly)wounded hubby.....the voice is mine, and whispers, "why couldn't he have just DIED over there?"
Before you rush off to write me hate mail for saying this, please read the rest of this post!
I absolutely do NOT wish that my hubby was dead! Nor do the other thousands of women who are the primary caregiver/support to a wounded warrior - whether his wounds are visible or not, treatable or not. These men return home but are no longer themselves, and we, their wives, girlfriends, or mothers, take on the daunting task of helping them figure out WHO they are now, and how that new man fits into society, into our families, into our LIVES.
In my case, my hubby has refused to get help for what I am now certain is PTSD. Some days I would swear he is bi-polar, other days schizophrenic, other days BOTH.....and some days, very very rarely, I would say he is HIMSELF, the same man who left here in May 2010, kissing my pregnant belly goodbye. Those rare 'good days' are such a gift, but at the same time they leave me hurting SO MUCH MORE. Those days are part of what makes me subconsciously 'jealous' of the brave war widows I know. Not really jealous, but I can't come up with a better word. You see, a widow has to endure an entire life without ever seeing her love again. She KNOWS he is gone, and is never coming back. She can grieve publicly and privately, and move forward with whatever new life she's able to make for herself. She gets to cherish the memories of her hero as she last saw him.....maybe he even kissed HER pregnant belly goodbye.
For me, the random glimpses of my husband's old self - his REAL self, are just such a merciless tease. Those moments make me think that maybe he really IS coming back to me, completely whole. And when he slips farther away from me, having a terrifying blowup, or meltdown, or just plain shutting down altogether, I GRIEVE all over again. Hate me for saying this if you must, but emotionally, it is as though he has DIED several times just in the past six months. Every time, I go through the cycles of grief all alone, in private, and if I get to that lowest of low points and hear that little voice whispering 'why didn't he just DIE over there'....then I go through days, weeks, or even months of GUILT just for having that thought.
Again, it's not that I WANT him dead, but when this burden becomes so heavy, I secretly steal a glance at one of my amazing widow friends (you know who you are!) and wish I could trade my load for hers.
Any wife of a Wounded Warrior will admit to having this very thought at least ONCE. If she denies it, she is either lying, or hasn't walked this road far enough yet.....she'll get there, I promise.
The important thing, of course, is when we DO get there, when we hit our emotional rock bottom, we have to learn to BOUNCE. And I think the first step is to talk about what 'rock bottom' actually looks like, feels like, and sounds like. Even if it is just a little whisper that we don't want to acknowledge, much less say OUT LOUD.
My intention in sharing this is actually twofold - I need to get some negative crap off my chest, and I want to bring awareness to the struggle that so many other spouses like me are going through RIGHT NOW. Maybe you know one, and maybe you'll approach her differently after you read this (?) Or maybe you'll just sit down and write me a nasty email for being honest.
So, you know that scene in Jerry Maguire, where he basically has a nervous breakdown & then a manic episode, during which he writes his mission statement (the title is something like, 'the things we think but do not say') and he makes sure that EVERYONE in his company gets a copy........then he wakes up, realizes that he wants to take back EVERY WORD, and then realizes it is too late? Yeah, THAT moment. Have you ever felt like that? I have a feeling I will feel that way within about 15 seconds after I click "PUBLISH POST" but I am posting this anyway, knowing that it actually NEEDS to be said. My integrity won't let me delete this post for the sake of being politically correct, or for the sake of looking like the dutiful, obedient mil-spouse I am supposed to be.
FUCK THAT. Oh yeah, sorry, language advisory. *AHEM*
Anyway, the thought that has sprung into my head at least a couple of times in the past 14 months, the one that will probably make you want to slap me, is one that I really can't SPEAK OUT LOUD. I'm actually shaking as I type this, because even putting it out in the blogosphere is so very taboo. The horrible thought is this little tiny voice in the back of my head, that I can barely hear over the wails of despair over a particularly rough day/night/week dealing with my (invisibly)wounded hubby.....the voice is mine, and whispers, "why couldn't he have just DIED over there?"
Before you rush off to write me hate mail for saying this, please read the rest of this post!
I absolutely do NOT wish that my hubby was dead! Nor do the other thousands of women who are the primary caregiver/support to a wounded warrior - whether his wounds are visible or not, treatable or not. These men return home but are no longer themselves, and we, their wives, girlfriends, or mothers, take on the daunting task of helping them figure out WHO they are now, and how that new man fits into society, into our families, into our LIVES.
In my case, my hubby has refused to get help for what I am now certain is PTSD. Some days I would swear he is bi-polar, other days schizophrenic, other days BOTH.....and some days, very very rarely, I would say he is HIMSELF, the same man who left here in May 2010, kissing my pregnant belly goodbye. Those rare 'good days' are such a gift, but at the same time they leave me hurting SO MUCH MORE. Those days are part of what makes me subconsciously 'jealous' of the brave war widows I know. Not really jealous, but I can't come up with a better word. You see, a widow has to endure an entire life without ever seeing her love again. She KNOWS he is gone, and is never coming back. She can grieve publicly and privately, and move forward with whatever new life she's able to make for herself. She gets to cherish the memories of her hero as she last saw him.....maybe he even kissed HER pregnant belly goodbye.
For me, the random glimpses of my husband's old self - his REAL self, are just such a merciless tease. Those moments make me think that maybe he really IS coming back to me, completely whole. And when he slips farther away from me, having a terrifying blowup, or meltdown, or just plain shutting down altogether, I GRIEVE all over again. Hate me for saying this if you must, but emotionally, it is as though he has DIED several times just in the past six months. Every time, I go through the cycles of grief all alone, in private, and if I get to that lowest of low points and hear that little voice whispering 'why didn't he just DIE over there'....then I go through days, weeks, or even months of GUILT just for having that thought.
Again, it's not that I WANT him dead, but when this burden becomes so heavy, I secretly steal a glance at one of my amazing widow friends (you know who you are!) and wish I could trade my load for hers.
Any wife of a Wounded Warrior will admit to having this very thought at least ONCE. If she denies it, she is either lying, or hasn't walked this road far enough yet.....she'll get there, I promise.
The important thing, of course, is when we DO get there, when we hit our emotional rock bottom, we have to learn to BOUNCE. And I think the first step is to talk about what 'rock bottom' actually looks like, feels like, and sounds like. Even if it is just a little whisper that we don't want to acknowledge, much less say OUT LOUD.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
more running to stand still
I've been trying to sit down and blog for the past few days, but just don't know what to say. I even missed Amber's music linkup for the first time EVER. This week has just sucked SO BAD. I posted earlier in the week about some of the struggles we're dealing with as a family, but can't even really put into words what I'm actually going through right now.
Bonehead came home yesterday, but has been a complete jerk since he got here. I feel like I'm bending over backward to please everyone and all it gets me is kicked in the teeth. I seriously think that I will soon be the mother of a HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT. Sad thing is, this kid is such a genius! He's throwing so much away right now. I did make it clear to him that I am on his side, and that is exactly WHY his last day to live here will be Nov 24 (his 18th birthday). Seems I'm good at kicking people out, huh? :(
Speaking of which, I finally talked to my hubby for a few minutes on the phone yesterday - first contact we've had since I asked him to leave last Monday following his meltdown. He is still very angry about pretty much everything, mostly just mad at ME at the moment for making him go. It's not like he left me any choice, the way he blew up here! I'm a little bit scared that he'll blow up like that at work, where he carries a gun.....the consequences could be SO MUCH WORSE than just having to go stay with his grandmother for awhile. Not scared enough to actually call his supervisors to warn them or anything, but still it's a little nagging worry in the back of my mind. I'm also a little scared that he will retaliate financially against me & the kids - you know, stop paying the mortgage, etc. I have a new job starting this week, but it will basically only be enough to feed us & that's it - I can't pay any of the other household expenses with the little bit of money I'll be making. And, when I look at this honestly, I am still scared that he could come back here to confront me, try to force his way into the house, etc, and this time really hurt someone. If I was not physically afraid of him, I would not have asked him to leave to begin with.
I keep waiting for him to call and actually APOLOGIZE to me. Not a weak, "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" kind of thing, but a true, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" kind of thing. Maybe with flowers, I guess, I don't know. But he's not anywhere near even recognizing how far he went this time, and even if he does recognize that he crossed a line, he won't admit that to anyone else.
I reach for my phone several times a day to call or text him, but I always manage to talk myself out of it, knowing he really needs some time and some space to figure things out right now. It is SO HARD for me to just leave it be....but I know in my heart that I HAVE TO leave it, for now at least. So I keep busy instead, and by the time I even have TIME to call or text him, it's well past bedtime. He turns his phone off when he goes to bed, so at least that normally keeps me from acting on the urge to at least CHECK on him. Last night after a glass (or 3) of wine, I finally did send him a sappy text about how I will always love him, even if it has to be from a distance. He didn't even get the text until late this morning, and of course now that I am sober I'm kicking myself for sending it.
MUST. RESIST. TEMPTATION.
:/
This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now I have to look at this as though I am the parent and Hubby is the child here (because psychologically, he kind of IS....or at least is acting like a child!) If I give in and let him come home WITHOUT getting help, he'll never get help. On top of that, he'll never take me seriously again, which would then be setting me up for a lifetime of abuse. I CAN'T live that way, and I sure as hell don't want my boys to grow up seeing that example of how to treat a woman! I put my foot down, and now I have to stand by my word.....he can NOT come home until he has gotten some help - at least counseling, preferably coupled with some pysch meds. The meds part is not a deal breaker for me, but I know he could be so much more functional/content/HAPPY with a llittle chemical help right now.
*sigh* Well, off to do a little more running nowhere - literally this time, on a treadmill. Then I'll run around and stay busy the rest of the day so I won't follow up that text with a 'please come home' text. I really do miss him, but even when he is HERE, he's not really himself anyway - not since Afghanistan. I want my REAL hubby back! The one I would never have needed to be AFRAID of. The one who used to laugh and play and LIVE his life. OUR life, together. I'm pretty sure THAT man is never coming back, and the grief over that is overwhelming.
Bonehead came home yesterday, but has been a complete jerk since he got here. I feel like I'm bending over backward to please everyone and all it gets me is kicked in the teeth. I seriously think that I will soon be the mother of a HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT. Sad thing is, this kid is such a genius! He's throwing so much away right now. I did make it clear to him that I am on his side, and that is exactly WHY his last day to live here will be Nov 24 (his 18th birthday). Seems I'm good at kicking people out, huh? :(
Speaking of which, I finally talked to my hubby for a few minutes on the phone yesterday - first contact we've had since I asked him to leave last Monday following his meltdown. He is still very angry about pretty much everything, mostly just mad at ME at the moment for making him go. It's not like he left me any choice, the way he blew up here! I'm a little bit scared that he'll blow up like that at work, where he carries a gun.....the consequences could be SO MUCH WORSE than just having to go stay with his grandmother for awhile. Not scared enough to actually call his supervisors to warn them or anything, but still it's a little nagging worry in the back of my mind. I'm also a little scared that he will retaliate financially against me & the kids - you know, stop paying the mortgage, etc. I have a new job starting this week, but it will basically only be enough to feed us & that's it - I can't pay any of the other household expenses with the little bit of money I'll be making. And, when I look at this honestly, I am still scared that he could come back here to confront me, try to force his way into the house, etc, and this time really hurt someone. If I was not physically afraid of him, I would not have asked him to leave to begin with.
I keep waiting for him to call and actually APOLOGIZE to me. Not a weak, "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" kind of thing, but a true, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" kind of thing. Maybe with flowers, I guess, I don't know. But he's not anywhere near even recognizing how far he went this time, and even if he does recognize that he crossed a line, he won't admit that to anyone else.
I reach for my phone several times a day to call or text him, but I always manage to talk myself out of it, knowing he really needs some time and some space to figure things out right now. It is SO HARD for me to just leave it be....but I know in my heart that I HAVE TO leave it, for now at least. So I keep busy instead, and by the time I even have TIME to call or text him, it's well past bedtime. He turns his phone off when he goes to bed, so at least that normally keeps me from acting on the urge to at least CHECK on him. Last night after a glass (or 3) of wine, I finally did send him a sappy text about how I will always love him, even if it has to be from a distance. He didn't even get the text until late this morning, and of course now that I am sober I'm kicking myself for sending it.
MUST. RESIST. TEMPTATION.
:/
This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now I have to look at this as though I am the parent and Hubby is the child here (because psychologically, he kind of IS....or at least is acting like a child!) If I give in and let him come home WITHOUT getting help, he'll never get help. On top of that, he'll never take me seriously again, which would then be setting me up for a lifetime of abuse. I CAN'T live that way, and I sure as hell don't want my boys to grow up seeing that example of how to treat a woman! I put my foot down, and now I have to stand by my word.....he can NOT come home until he has gotten some help - at least counseling, preferably coupled with some pysch meds. The meds part is not a deal breaker for me, but I know he could be so much more functional/content/HAPPY with a llittle chemical help right now.
*sigh* Well, off to do a little more running nowhere - literally this time, on a treadmill. Then I'll run around and stay busy the rest of the day so I won't follow up that text with a 'please come home' text. I really do miss him, but even when he is HERE, he's not really himself anyway - not since Afghanistan. I want my REAL hubby back! The one I would never have needed to be AFRAID of. The one who used to laugh and play and LIVE his life. OUR life, together. I'm pretty sure THAT man is never coming back, and the grief over that is overwhelming.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
"Just Wait".....
This video has been making the FB rounds - I first saw it posted by Kristle from Forget The Dog Not The Baby, and was so moved I could only CRY at first.
So, grab some tissues before you hit play!
Now, most of you know that I've been looking for a 'way out' lately.
Not suicide, but at least Divorce.
I am struggling SO MUCH with those feelings of "I just can't do this any more" and I want so badly to just go back in time, about a year and a half. Back to when life was about HOPE, anticipation/excitement over the baby on the way. Life was full of LIFE back then, you know? Back before 'whatever' happened to my husband overseas. Perhaps the NOT KNOWING what really happened to him or what's really wrong now is the most frustrating part for me....I don't know.
Anyway, I feel SO MUCH GUILT over wanting to leave him now. I mean, if he had come back missing a leg or an arm, would I give up and walk out on him? I certainly hope not! So I feel like his "issues" (as he calls this.....I call it mental illness, but whatever. Tomato, tomahto, right?) are something that deserves a little extra patience from me, and of course a little benefit of the doubt. I "SHOULD" wait faithfully for him no matter what, right? In sickness and in health..... So I suck it up, cry A LOT, and go into survival mode way more than I care to admit.
I've had a hard time even blogging about this, much less talking to anyone in person or on the phone, because of my GUILT over feeling things I think I shouldn't FEEL. But the one thing that struck me most when I watched this awesome video was that I HAVE to talk about this. About my situation, my feelings, all of it. If nothing else, I might be able to comfort another person going through the same difficulties. And maybe, just MAYBE, talking about it will help me deal with things better, too.
Some of what I go through is just beyond words (literally) so I can't talk about it, even with my counselor. Some of it will sound trivial to those who have not lived it, and some of it will sound like I am straight-up lying, it is that unbelievable. Like the time hubby got pissed off at me and literally abandoned me & the baby at costco with no money and no car. He eventually came back, of course, but that kind of crap is just NOT normal. (or is it?)
Either way, I am making a real attempt to speak up more about this craziness, and I hope others who are suffering will do the same.
Also, make sure you visit Kristle's post about this for a list of resources for those needing help. I wanted to duplicate it here but my blogging time is up for now.
And please PLEASE pass this video on to someone! Post it on your facebook, or e-mail it to someone who needs to know she's not alone. This really needs to be shared.
So, grab some tissues before you hit play!
Now, most of you know that I've been looking for a 'way out' lately.
Not suicide, but at least Divorce.
I am struggling SO MUCH with those feelings of "I just can't do this any more" and I want so badly to just go back in time, about a year and a half. Back to when life was about HOPE, anticipation/excitement over the baby on the way. Life was full of LIFE back then, you know? Back before 'whatever' happened to my husband overseas. Perhaps the NOT KNOWING what really happened to him or what's really wrong now is the most frustrating part for me....I don't know.
Anyway, I feel SO MUCH GUILT over wanting to leave him now. I mean, if he had come back missing a leg or an arm, would I give up and walk out on him? I certainly hope not! So I feel like his "issues" (as he calls this.....I call it mental illness, but whatever. Tomato, tomahto, right?) are something that deserves a little extra patience from me, and of course a little benefit of the doubt. I "SHOULD" wait faithfully for him no matter what, right? In sickness and in health..... So I suck it up, cry A LOT, and go into survival mode way more than I care to admit.
I've had a hard time even blogging about this, much less talking to anyone in person or on the phone, because of my GUILT over feeling things I think I shouldn't FEEL. But the one thing that struck me most when I watched this awesome video was that I HAVE to talk about this. About my situation, my feelings, all of it. If nothing else, I might be able to comfort another person going through the same difficulties. And maybe, just MAYBE, talking about it will help me deal with things better, too.
Some of what I go through is just beyond words (literally) so I can't talk about it, even with my counselor. Some of it will sound trivial to those who have not lived it, and some of it will sound like I am straight-up lying, it is that unbelievable. Like the time hubby got pissed off at me and literally abandoned me & the baby at costco with no money and no car. He eventually came back, of course, but that kind of crap is just NOT normal. (or is it?)
Either way, I am making a real attempt to speak up more about this craziness, and I hope others who are suffering will do the same.
Also, make sure you visit Kristle's post about this for a list of resources for those needing help. I wanted to duplicate it here but my blogging time is up for now.
And please PLEASE pass this video on to someone! Post it on your facebook, or e-mail it to someone who needs to know she's not alone. This really needs to be shared.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
have you heard the secret?
I don't do this very often, but I want to introduce you all to one of my FAVORITE bloggers, Lori Volkman at Witty Little Secret. I've only been subscribing to her posts for a couple of months now, but I literally laugh out loud, or cry, OR BOTH, every time I read her posts.
Today's post was just so PERFECT, I simply had to share. It really hit home with me, since I am still trying to draw my 'real' husband out from the shell of a man he came home as almost 8 months ago. She starts out with this intro:
Today's post was just so PERFECT, I simply had to share. It really hit home with me, since I am still trying to draw my 'real' husband out from the shell of a man he came home as almost 8 months ago. She starts out with this intro:
"This week I wrote Husband an effusive email expressing various events, emotions, challenges. I laid bare my concerns, seeking input and counsel. I reached out into the ethernet for some partnership, some companionship, and possibly some laughter.
Her OPORD is freaking HILARIOUS! Go here to read the whole post.....I guarantee you will love it!
Husband’s response announced: ”See responses below.” I scrolled down. At the end of each of my written paragraphs were his contrasting color comments. And by “comments” I actually mean single word phrases. The response to paragraph #1 was “yes,” paragraph #2 was “cool” and paragraph #3 was … wait for it … “Mind over matter.”
I stared. I had PTSD flash-backs of R&R. I flashed forward to homecoming. And I did what any girl would do. I issued an OPORD. I have a feeling this one is going to get me in trouble …"
Her OPORD is freaking HILARIOUS! Go here to read the whole post.....I guarantee you will love it!
Friday, July 1, 2011
smiles
I know my posts have lacked a certain 'positive' quality lately, but that is because my life seems to lack the same. But not really. I mean, when I really think about it, there are a lot of great moments in my life, every single day.
OK, well ALMOST every single day.
So, to balance out my whining, complaining, crazy posts, here is a sampling of the things that made me smile this week:
1. Hubby sent me a text message while at work, to thank me for helping him with something. The message included lots of X's and O's, and he said I was a DOLL. He never says stuff like this, so it really made me smile.
2. I took the boys to the beach and got to spend 3 blissful relaxing hours with THIS:
How can you do anything but smile at that sweet face?
3. I made these EPIC cookies this week:
Yes, those are double-stuff oreos inside the chocolate chip cookies.
I am playing with the recipe a little, and will do a recipe post as soon as I have it where I want it. But this first batch was, well, EPIC.
4. I also made hubby some fantastic cake balls this week. Sort of a late birthday cake, because last week on his actual birthday I tried to make Rachel Ray's brownie waffles (or waffle brownies?) and it was a total FAIL. So I think these made up for it:
5. I got my hair cut this week, for the first time in 8 months. I'm posting a before and after pic (don't mind my puffy, makeup-free face.....I did a fair amount of crying before this particular smile, and have not been getting enough sleep. And the lack of makeup, well it has been hotter than a donkey's balls here this week - any makeup I put on will just disappear as I sweat, so I didn't even bother.)
I'm hoping that next week I will have an even LONGER list of things that made me smile. Isn't that something we should all hope for?
OK, well ALMOST every single day.
So, to balance out my whining, complaining, crazy posts, here is a sampling of the things that made me smile this week:
1. Hubby sent me a text message while at work, to thank me for helping him with something. The message included lots of X's and O's, and he said I was a DOLL. He never says stuff like this, so it really made me smile.
2. I took the boys to the beach and got to spend 3 blissful relaxing hours with THIS:
How can you do anything but smile at that sweet face?
3. I made these EPIC cookies this week:
Yes, those are double-stuff oreos inside the chocolate chip cookies.
I am playing with the recipe a little, and will do a recipe post as soon as I have it where I want it. But this first batch was, well, EPIC.
4. I also made hubby some fantastic cake balls this week. Sort of a late birthday cake, because last week on his actual birthday I tried to make Rachel Ray's brownie waffles (or waffle brownies?) and it was a total FAIL. So I think these made up for it:
5. I got my hair cut this week, for the first time in 8 months. I'm posting a before and after pic (don't mind my puffy, makeup-free face.....I did a fair amount of crying before this particular smile, and have not been getting enough sleep. And the lack of makeup, well it has been hotter than a donkey's balls here this week - any makeup I put on will just disappear as I sweat, so I didn't even bother.)
I'm hoping that next week I will have an even LONGER list of things that made me smile. Isn't that something we should all hope for?
Monday, June 13, 2011
DEVASTATED.
Three little words, and I felt the walls falling in all around me AGAIN.
I think it is my own fault that I keep feeling so LET DOWN, because I am just dumb enough to get my hopes up that things will finally get better. Back to 'normal'. Whatever that is.
So, what are the three words that broke my heart this past weekend? "I'm not interested."
And he wasn't even talking about SEX, although he might as well have been....we've only been 'intimate' three times in the past six weeks! Enough to make me scream in frustration, and cry those bitter tears of self-pity because he just doesn't WANT me. But I don't scream or cry, I just stay calm(ish) and I keep fighting for US. I keep hoping. Stupid hope.
The three hated words were actually used when I told hubby about an e-mail I got from the FRO about this AWESOME opportunity for hubs and I to attend a weekend "RWW" program....Returning Warrior Workshop, which is "an interactive weekend where the Marines will not only benefit from numerous resources on-site, but also have the opportunity to speak with mental health professionals, chaplains, and unit leadership" The email said it was specifically targeted to married Marines and their spouses who experienced high stressors during deployment, either in theater or on the homefront. Um, HELLO, that's US! And it's a FREE "Yellow Ribbon" weekend. They will even reimburse us for travel expenses! Not a be-all, end-all perfect solution, but it sounds like a pretty good start. Stupid of me to hope that hubby will actually WANT to do anything about this ridiculous divide between us. I think the keyword he heard was "mental health professionals" and he literally cut me off with the horrid "I'm not interested". Verbal knife-hand.
And I can't think of anything to DO about this, except cry another river. And, well, that hasn't exactly been working well for me in the six months since he returned from deployment.
This just freaking SUCKS!
I mean, overall, life really isn't all that bad here.....we've settled down some, and Bonehead's drama is minimal (for now). We don't really fight or yell as much....maybe once every two weeks or so? Ha - about as often as we have sex, I guess. If I thought more fighting would equal more sex, I would go wake up my snoring husband RIGHT NOW and pick a fight. A BIG ONE. If I thought that would work. Even if it would work, it would be the disappointing version of sex that somehow passes for him these days.....not so much for me. *AHEM* But anyway, we're barely existing right now. I want to LIVE! I want to MOVE FORWARD, instead of just barely treading water.
I honestly try so hard to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm normally pretty good at that stuff - a FATAL OPTIMIST. But right now, thanks to those three little words, I seriously don't even see how we have a FUTURE to look forward to! I mean, here we are, desperately in need of something to help us with this incredibly difficult transition, and instead of grabbing on with both hands, he just SLAPS IT AWAY. "Im not interested" WTF?!?! Well I am, damn it.
But as usual, I can't do this by myself.
BY MYSELF. Those two words are the only ones I hate more than his three little words.
WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING IS A SHAMELESS PLUG:
* if you want to cheer me up, come join in my weekly viral video linkup! It goes up every Sunday and stays open until Monday night, midnight (Pacific time). It's really been struggling lately, and I'm considering pulling the plug, but if YOU participate, maybe I can keep it going. Keep SOMETHING going.*
I think it is my own fault that I keep feeling so LET DOWN, because I am just dumb enough to get my hopes up that things will finally get better. Back to 'normal'. Whatever that is.
So, what are the three words that broke my heart this past weekend? "I'm not interested."
And he wasn't even talking about SEX, although he might as well have been....we've only been 'intimate' three times in the past six weeks! Enough to make me scream in frustration, and cry those bitter tears of self-pity because he just doesn't WANT me. But I don't scream or cry, I just stay calm(ish) and I keep fighting for US. I keep hoping. Stupid hope.
The three hated words were actually used when I told hubby about an e-mail I got from the FRO about this AWESOME opportunity for hubs and I to attend a weekend "RWW" program....Returning Warrior Workshop, which is "an interactive weekend where the Marines will not only benefit from numerous resources on-site, but also have the opportunity to speak with mental health professionals, chaplains, and unit leadership" The email said it was specifically targeted to married Marines and their spouses who experienced high stressors during deployment, either in theater or on the homefront. Um, HELLO, that's US! And it's a FREE "Yellow Ribbon" weekend. They will even reimburse us for travel expenses! Not a be-all, end-all perfect solution, but it sounds like a pretty good start. Stupid of me to hope that hubby will actually WANT to do anything about this ridiculous divide between us. I think the keyword he heard was "mental health professionals" and he literally cut me off with the horrid "I'm not interested". Verbal knife-hand.
And I can't think of anything to DO about this, except cry another river. And, well, that hasn't exactly been working well for me in the six months since he returned from deployment.
This just freaking SUCKS!
I mean, overall, life really isn't all that bad here.....we've settled down some, and Bonehead's drama is minimal (for now). We don't really fight or yell as much....maybe once every two weeks or so? Ha - about as often as we have sex, I guess. If I thought more fighting would equal more sex, I would go wake up my snoring husband RIGHT NOW and pick a fight. A BIG ONE. If I thought that would work. Even if it would work, it would be the disappointing version of sex that somehow passes for him these days.....not so much for me. *AHEM* But anyway, we're barely existing right now. I want to LIVE! I want to MOVE FORWARD, instead of just barely treading water.
I honestly try so hard to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm normally pretty good at that stuff - a FATAL OPTIMIST. But right now, thanks to those three little words, I seriously don't even see how we have a FUTURE to look forward to! I mean, here we are, desperately in need of something to help us with this incredibly difficult transition, and instead of grabbing on with both hands, he just SLAPS IT AWAY. "Im not interested" WTF?!?! Well I am, damn it.
But as usual, I can't do this by myself.
BY MYSELF. Those two words are the only ones I hate more than his three little words.
WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING IS A SHAMELESS PLUG:
* if you want to cheer me up, come join in my weekly viral video linkup! It goes up every Sunday and stays open until Monday night, midnight (Pacific time). It's really been struggling lately, and I'm considering pulling the plug, but if YOU participate, maybe I can keep it going. Keep SOMETHING going.*
Friday, May 6, 2011
and I thought I was crazy BEFORE....
WOW.
This week has been IN-FREAKING-SANE. I'm so happy it's almost over! I really REALLY need to get a good baby carrier that can handle all my curves because this baby will NOT let me put him down. At this rate, he will NEVER crawl, but I think I'm OK with that. I just need a way to get something - anything - finished around here.
Real quick, before mr. demanding wakes up and latches onto me for the next 16 or 18 hours, I have some exciting news! My pregnancy blog was nominated for the "Top 25 Military Family Blogs" on Circle of Moms! If you want to vote for me, go to Circle of Moms Top 25 Military Family Blogs
(look for "Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat" when you get there)
If you really love me, you'll vote for me. And you do love me, right? :)
This week has been IN-FREAKING-SANE. I'm so happy it's almost over! I really REALLY need to get a good baby carrier that can handle all my curves because this baby will NOT let me put him down. At this rate, he will NEVER crawl, but I think I'm OK with that. I just need a way to get something - anything - finished around here.
Real quick, before mr. demanding wakes up and latches onto me for the next 16 or 18 hours, I have some exciting news! My pregnancy blog was nominated for the "Top 25 Military Family Blogs" on Circle of Moms! If you want to vote for me, go to Circle of Moms Top 25 Military Family Blogs
(look for "Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat" when you get there)
If you really love me, you'll vote for me. And you do love me, right? :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
square one.
Lately things have been REALLY up-and-down. More than usual. We've had some rough days and some good days, and a WHOLE LOTTA 'blah' days.
Hubby's most recent 'episode' got me really in a funk and I've been trying to pull myself out of it for a couple days. (I don't know if episode is the right word, but I don't know what else to call it when he zones about responsibilities and throws all his time and energy into things that seem unimportant to me...but he is just DRIVEN to do them...even to the detriment of others or himself)
It doesn't help that I am caring for a super-sick baby, who was nice enough to cough and sneeze all over me, so now I am sick, too. (why did I even BOTHER with a clean shirt this morning???)
The good thing about having a sick baby is that he wants to be held constantly right now. Not very good for getting anything DONE around the house, but good because I just love snuggling him. And holding him makes it pretty hard to type anything, so I have been catching up on READING everyone else's blogs instead of just logging on, getting my rant out, and then logging back off. Sometimes I have to be reminded to just shut up and listen, you know? I've been slacking on the 'reading' part of this blog-relationship that I have with you all.
Anyway, I saw a post from a milspouse who just started a deployment, and she wrote about saying goodbye to her hubby. I started thinking back to the 'goodbye' I had with my hubby last year....the last time I saw him as himself. That probably sounds overly dramatic to someone who has not lived with the mental/emotional issues we're dealing with right now, but from my point of view, it's pretty darned accurate. He literally has not been 'himself' for even a single day since he returned over four months ago. There is more and more of him coming through all the time, but it's still not HIM. (yet)
So I went back through my own archives and started reading this blog from the beginning. I tried to read it from his perspective - how would he react to this statement, or would he see me differently or judge me for revealing that weakness? As I got to the part, almost a year ago now, where I said goodbye to him, I realized something shocking. Call it an epiphany, or a paradigm shift, or a litghtbulb moment.
I saw, through my own blog, that I have not been myself in a long time, either! I can't pinpoint exactly when I changed, but I am definitely starting to sort out the old me from the new me, and to identify things I like and don't like about the new me. (if you missed yesterday's post, I definitely DON'T like the new BITCHY side of me).
Now I feel like this knowledge about the changes in ME is somehow the 'key' to getting US back..... if only I can locate the darned lock.
Going back to the beginning of this blog was just the catalyst for me to now go back to the VERY beginning. When we met, when we started dating, when I proposed (yeah, that's right *I* proposed to him). When we had Knucklehead, and when we finally made it legit by getting married when Knucklehead was two. When we bought this house. When we nearly gave up on this marriage a couple years ago, and when we miraculously found each other again. THERE...somewhere in that timeframe, when we had our second 'beginning', that has to be where I can find the secret to getting us back. We've done it before, and while it was HELLISH, I know we're strong enough to do it again.
I don't want to revisit that pain, but it might be the only way to get through this new pain we're suffering from every day. So, as I work through some of this (can't WAIT to tell my therapist about this 'breakthrough'!) I may or may not do some flashback blogging. Might share some of this painful story with you all. Please bear with me if I do, because it is not an easy story to tell......
Hubby's most recent 'episode' got me really in a funk and I've been trying to pull myself out of it for a couple days. (I don't know if episode is the right word, but I don't know what else to call it when he zones about responsibilities and throws all his time and energy into things that seem unimportant to me...but he is just DRIVEN to do them...even to the detriment of others or himself)
It doesn't help that I am caring for a super-sick baby, who was nice enough to cough and sneeze all over me, so now I am sick, too. (why did I even BOTHER with a clean shirt this morning???)
The good thing about having a sick baby is that he wants to be held constantly right now. Not very good for getting anything DONE around the house, but good because I just love snuggling him. And holding him makes it pretty hard to type anything, so I have been catching up on READING everyone else's blogs instead of just logging on, getting my rant out, and then logging back off. Sometimes I have to be reminded to just shut up and listen, you know? I've been slacking on the 'reading' part of this blog-relationship that I have with you all.
Anyway, I saw a post from a milspouse who just started a deployment, and she wrote about saying goodbye to her hubby. I started thinking back to the 'goodbye' I had with my hubby last year....the last time I saw him as himself. That probably sounds overly dramatic to someone who has not lived with the mental/emotional issues we're dealing with right now, but from my point of view, it's pretty darned accurate. He literally has not been 'himself' for even a single day since he returned over four months ago. There is more and more of him coming through all the time, but it's still not HIM. (yet)
So I went back through my own archives and started reading this blog from the beginning. I tried to read it from his perspective - how would he react to this statement, or would he see me differently or judge me for revealing that weakness? As I got to the part, almost a year ago now, where I said goodbye to him, I realized something shocking. Call it an epiphany, or a paradigm shift, or a litghtbulb moment.
I saw, through my own blog, that I have not been myself in a long time, either! I can't pinpoint exactly when I changed, but I am definitely starting to sort out the old me from the new me, and to identify things I like and don't like about the new me. (if you missed yesterday's post, I definitely DON'T like the new BITCHY side of me).
Now I feel like this knowledge about the changes in ME is somehow the 'key' to getting US back..... if only I can locate the darned lock.
Going back to the beginning of this blog was just the catalyst for me to now go back to the VERY beginning. When we met, when we started dating, when I proposed (yeah, that's right *I* proposed to him). When we had Knucklehead, and when we finally made it legit by getting married when Knucklehead was two. When we bought this house. When we nearly gave up on this marriage a couple years ago, and when we miraculously found each other again. THERE...somewhere in that timeframe, when we had our second 'beginning', that has to be where I can find the secret to getting us back. We've done it before, and while it was HELLISH, I know we're strong enough to do it again.
I don't want to revisit that pain, but it might be the only way to get through this new pain we're suffering from every day. So, as I work through some of this (can't WAIT to tell my therapist about this 'breakthrough'!) I may or may not do some flashback blogging. Might share some of this painful story with you all. Please bear with me if I do, because it is not an easy story to tell......
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Music Linkup, week 8
Have you linked up with Amber at Goodnight Moon yet?
This week's music post is dedicated to Jessica, over at {Mis}Adventures of an Army Wife. If you missed the story earlier this week, Jessica has been struggling with some serious emotional trauma, and she made plans to take her own life & wrote a goodbye post/AKA suicide letter on her blog. Thankfully she *IS* alive and getting help, and we are all praying she will make a full recovery.
Since we've opened the topic of Suicide, I have an interesting story to tell...but go ahead and click 'play' first so you can enjoy this song while you read:
If you've kept up with my blog, you know that my husband returned from deployment four months ago, and has not been himself ever since. I am pretty sure he has PTSD, but he refuses to get diagnosed/treated. About 3 1/2 weeks ago, he received a phone call out of the blue from a former colleague - a guy he hasn't seen in at least 8 years, maybe more like 10 years. This friend asked my hubby to put together a funeral detail for him......in other words, the guy was suicidal. They talked on the phone for HOURS (odd for my hubs because he hates talking on the phone) and by the time they hung up, his friend was feeling better, and agreed to call and check in with Jarhead the next day. They've talked a few more times since then, and his friend seems to have a better perspective on things now.
The significant part about this incident is not that hubby talked him down; it is that, within a few hours after that initial phone call, I began to see little bits of *MY HUSBAND* showing through. Somehow, being needed (by someone besides me or the kids) seemed to really pull him out of his shell. Or maybe it was a 'mirror' for hubby, who had hinted at some suicidal thoughts of his own a few weeks earlier. Perhaps he didn't like what he saw in that 'mirror' and was suddenly motivated to change?
Either way, it has brought about some serious changes here.
We are still not in the clear, but hubby (finally) returned to work later that week, after three months of being at home. [he is a reservist, and his civilian employer encouraged him to burn through some of his accrued vacation time before coming back to work, since it will be tough to get any vacation approved now that he is back on the schedule]. He started working out at the gym every day, like he used to. He even jokes around with me sometimes, the way he used to. The intimacy thing has gotten a little better, too.
We still have a long way to go, but I am cautiously optimistic about the outcome now. I have felt so lost and alone through this whole process, and so many times I myself was feeling hopeless and helpless, and had those awful dark thoughts, imagining what it would be like to end it all.
If you are also in that dark, desolate place that Jessica is fighting her way back from, PLEASE, just hold on. Call someone, maybe even someone you haven't talked to in years. If nothing else, EMAIL ME and we can exchange numbers and talk about it. You are NEVER truly alone.
Hold on for one more day.
This week's music post is dedicated to Jessica, over at {Mis}Adventures of an Army Wife. If you missed the story earlier this week, Jessica has been struggling with some serious emotional trauma, and she made plans to take her own life & wrote a goodbye post/AKA suicide letter on her blog. Thankfully she *IS* alive and getting help, and we are all praying she will make a full recovery.
Since we've opened the topic of Suicide, I have an interesting story to tell...but go ahead and click 'play' first so you can enjoy this song while you read:
If you've kept up with my blog, you know that my husband returned from deployment four months ago, and has not been himself ever since. I am pretty sure he has PTSD, but he refuses to get diagnosed/treated. About 3 1/2 weeks ago, he received a phone call out of the blue from a former colleague - a guy he hasn't seen in at least 8 years, maybe more like 10 years. This friend asked my hubby to put together a funeral detail for him......in other words, the guy was suicidal. They talked on the phone for HOURS (odd for my hubs because he hates talking on the phone) and by the time they hung up, his friend was feeling better, and agreed to call and check in with Jarhead the next day. They've talked a few more times since then, and his friend seems to have a better perspective on things now.
The significant part about this incident is not that hubby talked him down; it is that, within a few hours after that initial phone call, I began to see little bits of *MY HUSBAND* showing through. Somehow, being needed (by someone besides me or the kids) seemed to really pull him out of his shell. Or maybe it was a 'mirror' for hubby, who had hinted at some suicidal thoughts of his own a few weeks earlier. Perhaps he didn't like what he saw in that 'mirror' and was suddenly motivated to change?
Either way, it has brought about some serious changes here.
We are still not in the clear, but hubby (finally) returned to work later that week, after three months of being at home. [he is a reservist, and his civilian employer encouraged him to burn through some of his accrued vacation time before coming back to work, since it will be tough to get any vacation approved now that he is back on the schedule]. He started working out at the gym every day, like he used to. He even jokes around with me sometimes, the way he used to. The intimacy thing has gotten a little better, too.
We still have a long way to go, but I am cautiously optimistic about the outcome now. I have felt so lost and alone through this whole process, and so many times I myself was feeling hopeless and helpless, and had those awful dark thoughts, imagining what it would be like to end it all.
Now I have more hope,
and am SO HAPPY
that I found the strength to
"Hold on for one more day"
a hundred or so times.
If you are also in that dark, desolate place that Jessica is fighting her way back from, PLEASE, just hold on. Call someone, maybe even someone you haven't talked to in years. If nothing else, EMAIL ME and we can exchange numbers and talk about it. You are NEVER truly alone.
Hold on for one more day.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Her final goodbye???
Does anyone out there know Jessica from {mis}adventures of an army wife?
Her blog indicates that she committed suicide a couple days ago.
I don't know her in real life, but am so distraught over this.
I'm praying, as many other people are, that she scheduled that blog post and then didn't get a chance to take it down, but is still alive.
If anyone knows what's going on, please comment here or email me directly.
You can read her sad post HERE.
And, if you are reading this and it resonates with you because you have been contemplating suicide, PLEASE don't do it! You are never truly alone, even if the only 'friend' you can turn to is a virtual friend, here in blogland. Heck, if nothing else, email ME and we can talk.
And Jessica, if you are reading this and are still alive, please know that you ARE worth it....you do have a future, a life, friends, all of it. Just maybe not in the ways you thought you had before.
Her blog indicates that she committed suicide a couple days ago.
I don't know her in real life, but am so distraught over this.
I'm praying, as many other people are, that she scheduled that blog post and then didn't get a chance to take it down, but is still alive.
If anyone knows what's going on, please comment here or email me directly.
You can read her sad post HERE.
And, if you are reading this and it resonates with you because you have been contemplating suicide, PLEASE don't do it! You are never truly alone, even if the only 'friend' you can turn to is a virtual friend, here in blogland. Heck, if nothing else, email ME and we can talk.
And Jessica, if you are reading this and are still alive, please know that you ARE worth it....you do have a future, a life, friends, all of it. Just maybe not in the ways you thought you had before.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Alpha to Zulu
Have you linked up yet? This week I am pretty much ALL about linkups, and this one took more time than I had imagined it might. Head on over to Riding the Roller Coaster for more info and to add your own list to the linkup! Oh, and be sure to check out the other fabulous blogs already linked there. (other linkups to check out: Goodnight Moon's music linkup every Thursday, and my new Viral Video linkup every Sunday/Monday)
You may notice that my list includes a lot of words with negative connotations....if you are new to my blog, you may want to read back over the past, say, three or four months worth of posts and you will see why. I do love my husband dearly, and I am so proud of him, and proud to be his wife - but PTSD is trying to destroy what's left of our marriage, and while I am fighting just to keep my head above water, it can be tough to be 'positive'. Add to the mix my own current Post-Partum Depression, and, well, not a whole lot of laughs in this post. But here it is anyway, enjoy!
CHARLIE
You may notice that my list includes a lot of words with negative connotations....if you are new to my blog, you may want to read back over the past, say, three or four months worth of posts and you will see why. I do love my husband dearly, and I am so proud of him, and proud to be his wife - but PTSD is trying to destroy what's left of our marriage, and while I am fighting just to keep my head above water, it can be tough to be 'positive'. Add to the mix my own current Post-Partum Depression, and, well, not a whole lot of laughs in this post. But here it is anyway, enjoy!
Military Life from Alpha to Zulu
ALPHA
Active Duty, Arguments, Afghanistan, Anxiety, ADJUSTING
BRAVO
Bravery, Budget, BLOGGING
CHARLIE
Cammies, Cover, Changes, Cell phone, CRYING
DELTA
Deployment, "Donut of Misery", Drill Weekends, DREAMING
ECHO
Emotions, E-MAIL
FOXTROT
Friends, flexible, FRG, fears, FIGHTING
GOLF
Gear, Girls' Night, GOODBYES
HOTEL
Head, Homecomings, HOPES
INDIA
Independence, Invincible, Iraq, INSOMNIA
JULIET
Jumpy, JERK (sometimes)
KILO
KISSES (goodbye and hello!)
LIMA
Love, Laughter, Loneliness, LIVING
MIKE
Moto-mail, Marines, MARRIAGE
NOVEMBER
Notes, NCO's, Nightmares
OSCAR
OPSEC, Orders, OIF, OEF
PAPA
PTSD, Planning, Phoenetic Alphabet, Phone calls, Prayer
QUEBEC
"Quick-fast-and-in-a-hurry!" (Major Payne)
ROMEO
Reintegration/Redeployment, Reality, RISK
SIERRA
Single parenting, Surprises, "Soon", Sweat, SADNESS
TANGO
Transitioning, Trust, TEARS
UNIFORM
Uniforms, Unstable, "Us", UNSTOPPABLE
VICTOR
V.A., Venting, Vibrator? (ha ha ha)
WHISKEY
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, WINE (and sometimes WHINE)
X-RAY
XO
YANKEE
Yellow ribbons, YEARS
ZULU
Zip-ties, ZOLOFT
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Giveaway!
My giveaway for Milspouses has officially started over on my baby blog! Check it out by clicking the button in my right sidebar (the cute preggo belly button that says," Does this baby make me look fat?"
If you love a Marine, Sailor, Airman, Soldier, or Coastie, you need one of these cool bumper magnets!
Www.preggotimes.blogspot.com
If you love a Marine, Sailor, Airman, Soldier, or Coastie, you need one of these cool bumper magnets!
Www.preggotimes.blogspot.com
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Song linkup week 2 - "STAND"
Amber over at Goodnight Moon is hosting this song linkup EVERY THURSDAY - how awesome is that? I love the fact that last week's linkup had more than 40 participants, with only two songs duplicated! Go check out Amber's blog and link up with us!
This week's song is by Mike Corrado, who I have blogged about before. I LOVE this artist, and not just because he is a Marine. His video for "On My Watch Tonight" includes photos of my hubby (the link to that song and video can be found in this post). His song "Start Saving Me" resonated so deeply with me during our second deployment that it topped my playlist for months. (link to that song is HERE)
But this song, STAND, is one of Corrado's newest...and it moves me to tears right now. It reminds me of the pure heart that still beats somewhere within the amazing man that I married - regardless of the emotional/psychological wounds he's suffering from these days. It reminds me of his commitment to the Corps, to the country he loves and would still die for.
I couldn't find the song on playlist.com, so I am using Youtube this week:
(next week I will be back with more awesome Depeche Mode, because I have really been feeling their album "Sounds of the Universe" for a few weeks now)
This week's song is by Mike Corrado, who I have blogged about before. I LOVE this artist, and not just because he is a Marine. His video for "On My Watch Tonight" includes photos of my hubby (the link to that song and video can be found in this post). His song "Start Saving Me" resonated so deeply with me during our second deployment that it topped my playlist for months. (link to that song is HERE)
But this song, STAND, is one of Corrado's newest...and it moves me to tears right now. It reminds me of the pure heart that still beats somewhere within the amazing man that I married - regardless of the emotional/psychological wounds he's suffering from these days. It reminds me of his commitment to the Corps, to the country he loves and would still die for.
I couldn't find the song on playlist.com, so I am using Youtube this week:
(next week I will be back with more awesome Depeche Mode, because I have really been feeling their album "Sounds of the Universe" for a few weeks now)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
song linkup - Come Back To Me
The lovely Amber over at Goodnight Moon is hosting a cool linkup today - she's asking us to choose a song that we're listening to or identifying with right now. Cool, huh? Join in! Click the link above to visit her blog and link up.
For now, this is one of my current top favorite songs, for reasons that should be obvious if you read my blog. Of course, the main reason I love this song is that its by Depeche Mode, my all-time favorite band.
Here are the lyrics for the song:
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
I've been walking a thin white line
Between love and hate
I could use a little company
A little kindness go a long way
Weeks turn into months
Months turn into years
Reaching the same conclusions
Gathering up the fear
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
I've been walking a thin white line
Between love and hate
I could use a little company
A little kindness go a long way
Weeks turn into months
Months turn into years
Reaching the same conclusions
Gathering up the fear
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
Come back, come back to me
For now, this is one of my current top favorite songs, for reasons that should be obvious if you read my blog. Of course, the main reason I love this song is that its by Depeche Mode, my all-time favorite band.
Here are the lyrics for the song:
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
I've been walking a thin white line
Between love and hate
I could use a little company
A little kindness go a long way
Weeks turn into months
Months turn into years
Reaching the same conclusions
Gathering up the fear
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
I've been walking a thin white line
Between love and hate
I could use a little company
A little kindness go a long way
Weeks turn into months
Months turn into years
Reaching the same conclusions
Gathering up the fear
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
I've been waiting here patiently
Come back, come back to me
Come back, come back to me
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Milspouse Friday FIll-in (LATE)
OK I am a day late on this one, but wanted to participate for my first time.
This fill-in is in its 30th week, all thanks to Wife of a Sailor (check her out!)
1. What is your favorite MilSpouse blog (not including Wife of a Sailor who we all love, or your own)?
I follow lots of great ones (see my blogroll on the right) but I think my favorite has to be Goodnight Moon written by the lovely Amber. She makes me laugh on a regular basis, and I LOVE her honesty (scroll back to the entries she posted last summer, detailing her mommy makeover - WITH PICTURES). I heart her!
2. What are your favorite perks about your s/o being deployed (we all know there are perks)?
I have to say, the best part about deployment is I GET TO HOLD THE REMOTE CONTROL. Ha ha ha not really, but since hubby returned from deployment #3 a couple months ago, I can't escape how different our taste in T.V. & movies is.......maybe we were both more tolerant of each other's choices before or something? I am a typical girl, and he is SUCH a guy! I can't believe I went 7 1/2 months without watching the history channel, the military channel, or random snippets of action movies. (yes, hubby is an avid CHANNEL SURFER)
3. How long did you date your husband before getting engaged? Married?
We started dating in 1997, got engaged 2 years later, and finally got married in 2002.
4. What do you think your husband would do if he wasn’t in the military?
This is an easy one, since my hubby is a reservist. His civilian career (AKA his 'real job') is in Law Enforcement. He's been a cop for 14 years, and will continue with that career long after he retires from the Corps.
5. If you could talk to the Secretary of (fill in your appropriate branch) what is one suggestion you would like to bring to their attention in order to improve the lives of military families?
I think emphasis on family readiness would help a lot, but I also wish there was less RED TAPE, less beaurocracy involved in everything USMC. I can not even BEGIN to tell you how hard it was to add baby Bobblehead to the DEERS system for Tricare (thank God we have REAL insurance through hubby's real job!) I understand there is rampant fraud that necessitates the high standard of proof before receiving benefits, but there HAS to be some way to make these services more accessible to the families who really do deserve (and need) them.
This fill-in is in its 30th week, all thanks to Wife of a Sailor (check her out!)
1. What is your favorite MilSpouse blog (not including Wife of a Sailor who we all love, or your own)?
I follow lots of great ones (see my blogroll on the right) but I think my favorite has to be Goodnight Moon written by the lovely Amber. She makes me laugh on a regular basis, and I LOVE her honesty (scroll back to the entries she posted last summer, detailing her mommy makeover - WITH PICTURES). I heart her!
2. What are your favorite perks about your s/o being deployed (we all know there are perks)?
I have to say, the best part about deployment is I GET TO HOLD THE REMOTE CONTROL. Ha ha ha not really, but since hubby returned from deployment #3 a couple months ago, I can't escape how different our taste in T.V. & movies is.......maybe we were both more tolerant of each other's choices before or something? I am a typical girl, and he is SUCH a guy! I can't believe I went 7 1/2 months without watching the history channel, the military channel, or random snippets of action movies. (yes, hubby is an avid CHANNEL SURFER)
3. How long did you date your husband before getting engaged? Married?
We started dating in 1997, got engaged 2 years later, and finally got married in 2002.
4. What do you think your husband would do if he wasn’t in the military?
This is an easy one, since my hubby is a reservist. His civilian career (AKA his 'real job') is in Law Enforcement. He's been a cop for 14 years, and will continue with that career long after he retires from the Corps.
5. If you could talk to the Secretary of (fill in your appropriate branch) what is one suggestion you would like to bring to their attention in order to improve the lives of military families?
I think emphasis on family readiness would help a lot, but I also wish there was less RED TAPE, less beaurocracy involved in everything USMC. I can not even BEGIN to tell you how hard it was to add baby Bobblehead to the DEERS system for Tricare (thank God we have REAL insurance through hubby's real job!) I understand there is rampant fraud that necessitates the high standard of proof before receiving benefits, but there HAS to be some way to make these services more accessible to the families who really do deserve (and need) them.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Military Monday Bloghop
I have not participated in a blog-hop in awhile, and found out about this one through the lovely Amber over at Goodnight Moon. She was spotlighted for today on Marine Parents.
So, just want to introduce myself to my (potential) new followers, and say Thanks for stopping by if you came from the hop! If you are not here because of the blog-hop, maybe you should link up and join in?
I should have a 'real' post again by tomorrow, and I already have a cool one scheduled for tomorrow over at The Wifey Blogs where I am a regular contributor.
Today's blog post can be summed up in two words:
*New followers, please feel free to leave a comment with your blog link so I can follow you back!
So, just want to introduce myself to my (potential) new followers, and say Thanks for stopping by if you came from the hop! If you are not here because of the blog-hop, maybe you should link up and join in?
I should have a 'real' post again by tomorrow, and I already have a cool one scheduled for tomorrow over at The Wifey Blogs where I am a regular contributor.
Today's blog post can be summed up in two words:
REINTEGRATION SUCKS.
*New followers, please feel free to leave a comment with your blog link so I can follow you back!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
And the award goes to......
(Drumroll please)
YOU!
OK, so first I need to thank my friend Laura at Diamonds and Dogtags for bestowing this lovely award on little old me. :)
And I am supposed to give you 12 random bits of information about me:
1) I had strawberry shortcake for DINNER tonight, and only feel a little bit guilty about that!
2) I once thought that I might go into fashion merchandising (like the people who do those awesome store window displays with the mannequins) but now can't even IMAGINE doing that job.
3) I hate talking politics with anyone, because it is so DIVISIVE.
4) I'm terrified of needles, and met a blog friend in person today who shares this phobia.
5) I'm daring on the inside, but NO ONE knows this about me because I rarely let my inner risk-taker out.
6) I'm considering becoming a certified Doula to help military wives with childbirth while the husband/baby-daddy is deployed (strictly on a volunteer basis)
7) I love pineapple.
8) My favorite color changes all the time - currently it is green.
9) I have watched "All My Children" for about 20 years, off and on. My guilty pleasure.
10) I love chick-flicks and am so SICK of action movies!
11) As a mother of boys, I finally think 'fart jokes' are funny. So sue me.
12) I am 100 pounds overweight.
Now comes the hard part, I am supposed to give this award to 12 more Sunshine Bloggers, but I think you (my followers) are ALL wonderful!
So, as soon as you are done reading this, save the award to post on your own blog and share the love - and leave a comment here with a link or URL for your blog so we can all go and admire your lovely award!
YOU!
OK, so first I need to thank my friend Laura at Diamonds and Dogtags for bestowing this lovely award on little old me. :)
And I am supposed to give you 12 random bits of information about me:
1) I had strawberry shortcake for DINNER tonight, and only feel a little bit guilty about that!
2) I once thought that I might go into fashion merchandising (like the people who do those awesome store window displays with the mannequins) but now can't even IMAGINE doing that job.
3) I hate talking politics with anyone, because it is so DIVISIVE.
4) I'm terrified of needles, and met a blog friend in person today who shares this phobia.
5) I'm daring on the inside, but NO ONE knows this about me because I rarely let my inner risk-taker out.
6) I'm considering becoming a certified Doula to help military wives with childbirth while the husband/baby-daddy is deployed (strictly on a volunteer basis)
7) I love pineapple.
8) My favorite color changes all the time - currently it is green.
9) I have watched "All My Children" for about 20 years, off and on. My guilty pleasure.
10) I love chick-flicks and am so SICK of action movies!
11) As a mother of boys, I finally think 'fart jokes' are funny. So sue me.
12) I am 100 pounds overweight.
Now comes the hard part, I am supposed to give this award to 12 more Sunshine Bloggers, but I think you (my followers) are ALL wonderful!
So, as soon as you are done reading this, save the award to post on your own blog and share the love - and leave a comment here with a link or URL for your blog so we can all go and admire your lovely award!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
LINKS?
This post is specifically for my milspouse followers - I'm wondering how many of you have taken the 'LINKS' online course on Marine Net Online, or a similar class for spouses?
If you took this course, or one like it, what did you think of it?
You can comment back here, or reply privately to my email, gailegonzales@gmail.com
THANKS!
If you took this course, or one like it, what did you think of it?
You can comment back here, or reply privately to my email, gailegonzales@gmail.com
THANKS!
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