be careful what you wish for (and Happy Valentine's Day)

In April 2009, when it seemed my entire life was upside down, I lost my job as a preschool director.  I had been with that agency for over two years, and was miserable for at least the last year of it because of the difference between my personal philosophy and that of my bosses (yes, bossES, as in, plural.  Another headache there).

Anyway, I looked for another preschool job, initially focusing on administrative positions, but broadening my search fairly quickly to include applying for entry-level on up.  I was repeatedly told that I was 'overqualified' for so many jobs, before finally landing my current VERY PART TIME job as a school crossing guard.  Somehow my degree and credential did NOT over-qualify me for holding up a stop sign in a crosswalk for an hour every morning and another hour in the afternoon. (?)

I was 4 months pregnant with Bobblehead when I was hired for this job, so I was happy that it was so part-time.  I've kept my ear to the ground since then for a PRESCHOOL job, but wasn't searching very aggressively because I knew we didn't have many QUALITY infant/toddler child care programs in the area for my little Bobblehead.  Once he is 18 months old, our selection of viable child care choices becomes HUGE, so I started applying like crazy for everything I could a couple weeks ago. (Bobblehead is now 17 months old).

One position that I applied for was a Preschool Director position a couple towns away....about a 30 minute commute if there's no traffic.  The neighborhood is bad, the school is in a very SAD state of disrepair, and the owners don't seem to know what they're doing.  They have 30 children enrolled right now, in a program that is licensed for over 150 children!  Still, I was up for the challenge and they seemed to really WANT me, especially after I talked to them about marketing ideas, curriculum implementation, etc during my second interview with them.  They have an infant/toddler program there, though the quality is, well. QUESTIONABLE.  As the director, I would definitely have the power to turn that around, but still I was not exactly ANXIOUS to bring Bobblehead there.  I told myself I could work around that, maybe have my sister watch him for the first month or so while I worked to get the program into shape.  I just wanted the job so bad!  Unfortunately, they were only willing to offer about HALF of what I expected to earn there, so it was not a winning proposition for me.  I don't know who they finally hired to do that job, but she has an uphill battle ahead of her! (Especially since the owners clearly are not willing to spend any money to make money with this program)

I applied for several other positions, had LOTS of great job interviews, and finally this week hit paydirt....sorta.  Our valley's one-and-only QUALITY program for infants and toddlers opened just a couple months ago, and they are rapidly growing and filling that part of the school as word gets out that they're there.  They advertised looking for a qualified Infant teacher to accommodate that growth, so naturally I was interested!  Not administrative, but a GREAT program for my baby Bobblehead, so definitely something I wanted. Bad.

I wore this to the interview:

(I was going for professional, but approachable, and my hair was totally AWESOME that day, which must have helped...)

I totally NAILED the interview!  So much so, that they actually called me within about two hours after I left, to offer me the job......but NOT the Infant Room job I interviewed for.  I will actually be teaching TWO-YEAR-OLDS (my least favorite age to work with, besides of course TEENAGERS. Teenagers are the worst).  The pay is mere peanuts for someone with my experience and qualifications, but they offered me a whopping 75% discount for Bobblehead's tuition there!  That's what made it a no-brainer to accept the job, since the SAVINGS in child care costs adds up to $9000/year of income-in-kind, TAX FREE.  Also, the two-year-olds class placement for me is TEMPORARY, since they won't let me be Bobblehead's teacher, and he will be moving into the Two's room in September.  They're not sure where they'll move me in the fall, but they're working on that... frankly I don't care, ANY position will be better than teaching two-year-olds!  I don't mind the diapering, and have an infinite amount of patience for little ones......but two year olds are just so.....INTENSE.  I'll be sure to update you all in a few weeks (I start the job March 1).

Oh yeah, did I mention this whole interview/job offer whirlwind happened on Valentine's Day?  I was worried that the stress of that whole thing could ruin our evening, but not to worry - my teenager Bonehead was one step ahead, ruining our entire WEEK.  He took off again that afternoon after a particularly heated exchange with my husband, and has not been home since.  He has called me twice, and I know where he spent the first couple of nights (not sure where he slept last night).  He is *technically* a 'runaway' right now, but I haven't reported him to police or anything.  I know he is safe (for now) but more than that, I am not rushing to get him home because I don't know how to deal with him any more!  I do know that anything I do to try to exert any kind of control over him will just push him further away.  I'm still gun-shy after what happened with my daughter 4 years ago (she is STILL not speaking to me after I took away her car to get her to stop ditching school in the beginning of her Senior year of high school).  I'm hoping Bonehead will calm down and come home on his own, and since we have a four-day weekend right now, he has plenty of time to do that.  He is such a  pain in the butt most of the time, but when he's NOT being a pain, he is so awesome with his baby brother!  Bobblehead really enjoys running around and playing with him, and Bonehead is the ONLY one who can get him to keep his superhero masks on long enough for a picture.

Back to my Valentine's though.....hubby gave me my gift a day early, a new iPad 2!  My old iPad was pretty beat up after two years of being dropped frequently, so I am thrilled with my gift.  I think hubby also REALLY liked his gift....Pinup photos of me!  

I can't post most of them here, even though they're all 'tasteful'.  I had so much fun taking the photos, and I know that hubby likes the more confident and sexy 'me' that came out of that whole process.  Definitely doing another set for him after I get to my goal weight/size! And as for our ruined evening, we decided on a raincheck to go out for a nice romantic dinner WITH NO KIDS.  Update on that later, too.  (or NOT *wink wink*)

Hope you all enjoyed some sweet lovin this week!  for my milspouse followers, I know many of you wish you could just SEE your man for special days......but while he's out there saving the world, you'll have to settle for posting something like this on your FB to make your civilian friends jealous:

Mommy meltdown.

I am pretty sure I am having some sort of nervous breakdown.

My kids all hate me.  Well, not the baby.  Not yet, anyway.  I could probably cope with the kids hating me, if I at least knew where things stand with Hubby.  But I don't.  So I can't.

This past weekend I finally could not contain the crazy any more.  I freaking LOST it.

I screamed, cried, and went into what could only be described as a manic episode.  The result was a REALLY clean house (but please don't ask me to find anything specific, because I may or may not have put away things that don't necessarily have an assigned 'home').

Oh yeah, and I think I scared the crap out of my hubby.

I still don't think he really gets just how much I am hurting, or how much HE could be helping me here, but I do think he at least gets how CRAZY I am right now. 

I don't know if this will bring about change for the better, or change for the worse, or maybe it won't change ANYTHING.  But I wasn't trying to change anything - I was only reacting. 

I was trying to express the fear, anger, despair, and loneliness that has defined the past several weeks of my life.

Not my finest moment, to be sure.

Confessions

This may be a little TOO honest for some people....but I hope I don't lose any friends or followers over this post.

So, first confession: I am so RELIEVED whenever hubby leaves for work. Things have been so tense around here, that when he leaves it's like a mini-vacation for me.

Awful, right? I think I totally FAIL at being a wife.

Confession number two: Sometimes I fantasize about running away - all by myself, just starting over where no one knows me.

Horrible. I fail at being a mommy too.

Hubby started his leave tonight, and will be around A LOT for the next few weeks. This will either be a very good thing, or will be very, very bad.

My old positive self seems to have disappeared, and my negative self is trembling in fear at what this leave will bring.

And the biggest confession: no matter how much I love my husband (and I always will) right now I really don't LIKE him very much at all. Sometimes I think I might even hate him.

Actually, what I really hate is deployment. And reintegration.

Finding reasons to laugh

I am SUCH a mean mom!  MEAN, MEAN MEANIE! :)

But it was so damned funny....

I left the house this afternoon to pick up my 10 year old from school.  15 year old was home, and I was not going very far, so I left the garage door open (something else I can NEVER do when hubby is home - he would FREAK!). 

Almost home with 10 year old a few minutes later, stopped by the mailbox to witness 15 year old preparing to leave on his skateboard - he tried the trick where you push the button inside the garage to close the door, and you race out before the door can close on you.  This trick is pretty tough at our house, because we have sensors to keep the garage door from closing if there is something (OR SOMEONE) in the way...... so when I pushed the button on my remote in the car, and the door started to reopen, my son figured he had tripped a sensor.....he went back to try it again.  This time he was doing this hilarious 'mission impossible' thing to try to get out under the closing door without making it reopen....I laughed so hard I could barely push my button at the right time, but I still did.

(MEAN, I know!)  I should have stopped there, but was really enjoying this game, and so was my 10 year old sitting next to me in the car.  So I watched my confused teenager visibly check where the sensors were, but this time when he walked back inside the garage to try again, I pressed the button to close the door - let it go down about a foot before I pressed the button again, reversing it.  LAUGHED MY BUTT OFF as he literally scratched his head at this new development.  I continued to laugh as he waited a second, watching the pesky garage door.  When nothing else happened, he turned once more to head for the button on the wall, and when he was ALMOST there, I pushed my own button, closing the door, before I collapsed in another fit of laughter.  There were literally TEARS streaming down my face when I caught the right moment as the door was just inches from closing all the way, and I pressed my button one last time.

The look on my son's face this time was PRICELESS, I so wish I had thought to grab my little 'flip' videocamera to record everything!  You would have had to mute your computer to watch said video anyway, because the audio would have been pretty painful - I was cackling like one of those old scary witches from TV.

Anyway, the last time I opened the garage door, my poor son happened to look outside and see my car, less than 30 yards away, and he figured out pretty quickly what was going on.  He made a gesture toward me as if to say, "what the heck, Mom?" before he hopped on his skateboard and headed to his friend's house.

I'm so thankful he has a prankster's sense of humor, so he won't hold a grudge over this one.

It felt really really REALLY good to laugh, especially sharing the laugh with my younger son - I need to do that more often! (not the mean mom part, but the laughing-so-hard-it-makes-me-cry part, for sure!)