Wife Swap (?)

I realize that I owe you all an update (yes, I actually AM aware of the passing of time in this crazy life of mine) but instead I am writing this in response to Kristle's recent SpouseBuzz article about Wife Swap (read her post HERE).

Having never actually watched an entire episode of Wife Swap, it is tough for me to say whether or not I would be willing to do this show (I am guessing NOT....and it is a moot point because Jarhead would NEVER agree to this!!!) however, even if I was willing to swap, and even if hubby agreed to it, I know for a fact that the show's producers could NEVER find anyone willing to take on my insane life for any period of time.

The manual I would have to leave for anyone so crazy would probably go something like this:


"Welcome to our insane asylum. If you did not bring your own meds, well sorry - you'll wish you had. If you feel the need to 'borrow' some, borrow mine, they're the BEST.  But they always run out, so good luck with that.  In an emergency, you can borrow my 'backup meds':

As you will notice when you enter our home, dust is a NOUN here, not a verb.  (it is something that is HERE, not something I DO)  If this bothers you, feel free to waste your time constantly shifting the never-ending supply of dust from one surface to another.  I prefer to spend my time tending to the needs of all the men in my life:




This is Jarhead.

He is always right. Don't question it, just know that he IS always right. He has a charming mix of Bi-polar symptoms and O.C.D., with A.D.D. tendencies and some violent anger outbursts thrown in for fun. I am pretty sure this is actually undiagnosed PTSD, unless maybe he is taking asshole pills behind my back.  DON'T POKE THIS BEAR.  He doesn't regularly take any meds, much to my dismay.  Your best bet is to provide timely meals that are at least a little appealing, with plenty of salt and cold Coke Zero.  Desserts help, too.  Serve with a remote control on the side, and stay out of his line of sight.  Do NOT, under any circumstances, make fun of his incessant channel surfing.  He is only home 3 out of every seven days, so just keep the peace while he's home, and you can breathe easier and stop walking on eggshells for four straight days.




This is Bonehead. 

He will be 18 in 149 days, but who's counting? He is ridiculously funny, but even more ridiculously inappropriate.  If you are easily offended, bring ear plugs or an iPod so you can ignore him.  99.9% of everything that comes out of his mouth is a meaningless joke, anyway.  He can be trusted to babysit the toddler for a few hours at a time, but be prepared to come home to this scene if you take advantage of this:

(yes, that is a baby asleep in a laundry hamper)

Bonehead can also be very violent if provoked, and stands a full 6' 4" so don't poke THIS bear, either.  His primary trigger is anyone mentioning his Asperger's Syndrome, or anything that he perceives to be a reference to this.  One recent meltdown started with me saying, "you would be good at X" because he assumed that my reason for thinking he would be good at it was because of his Asperger's.  Just give him something constructive to do each day, and give very clear & concise instructions. If you leave room for interpretation, YOU WILL GET his interpretation (and it won't match anything you could ever come up with on your own).  Ask him to show you his speed-solving skills with his Rubik's Cube - this is phenomenal to see, and he is always happy to show off.




This is Knucklehead.

He is our 'perfect child'.  Or was, until he hit middle school. Now he occasionally brings out a teenage attitude, but generally uses this to go pout in solitude.  He can be trusted to watch the toddler, but is not great about changing diapers - so limit your errands to 2 hours or less, if you leave Knucklehead in charge.  He will spend his free time playing videogames, shooting hoops at the park down the street, or playing with his little brother.  He is low-maintenance, but don't forget to give him some attention or you'll see that attitude I mentioned above.




This is Bobblehead.

He loves eggs and hates being told what to do.  He knows he is cute, so beware! He will use those dimples against you if he can.  He naps pretty well (finally!) and sleeps through the night, but is very dependent on certain routines and comfort items to make this happen.  See the 'sleep manual' provided in a separate volume. He wiggles during diaper changes, as he seems to think his purpose in life is to streak around the house naked.  He throws a mean tantrum, but can usually be distracted from a fit with a ball; any ball will work, but basketballs are his favorite. He also loves splashing in water... ANY kind of water (keep bathrooms off limits or he will play in the toilet)

His language has been a little slow to develop, but is now picking up, so you can expect him to learn hundreds of new words during your stay here.  Please don't teach him any four-letter-words, as I have worked very hard to curb my own swearing to keep him from repeating anything that might embarrass me, say, at church.  Or at the Christian Preschool where I teach (that's another whole manual there).  Bobblehead gives the BEST cuddles, so if there are no 'meds' or 'backup meds' in the house, his snuggly hugs and kisses should get you through the rough days.  They certainly do for me."

What would you put in your manual, if you went on Wife Swap? Post in the comments below, or better yet make a blog post about this and put the link in a comment below :)

As always, THANKS SO MUCH for reading!


   

more running to stand still

I've been trying to sit down and blog for the past few days, but just don't know what to say.  I even missed Amber's music linkup for the first time EVER. This week has just sucked SO BAD.  I posted earlier in the week about some of the struggles we're dealing with as a family, but can't even really put into words what I'm actually going through right now.

Bonehead came home yesterday, but has been a complete jerk since he got here.  I feel like I'm bending over backward to please everyone and all it gets me is kicked in the teeth.  I seriously think that I will soon be the mother of a HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT.  Sad thing is, this kid is such a genius! He's throwing so much away right now.  I did make it clear to him that I am on his side, and that is exactly WHY his last day to live here will be Nov 24 (his 18th birthday).  Seems I'm good at kicking people out, huh? :(

Speaking of which, I finally talked to my hubby for a few minutes on the phone yesterday - first contact we've had since I asked him to leave last Monday following his meltdown.  He is still very angry about pretty much everything, mostly just mad at ME at the moment for making him go.  It's not like he left me any choice, the way he blew up here!  I'm a little bit scared that he'll blow up like that at work, where he carries a gun.....the consequences could be SO MUCH WORSE than just having to go stay with his grandmother for awhile.  Not scared enough to actually call his supervisors to warn them or anything, but still it's a little nagging worry in the back of my mind.  I'm also a little scared that he will retaliate financially against me & the kids - you know, stop paying the mortgage, etc. I have a new job starting this week, but it will basically only be enough to feed us & that's it - I can't pay any of the other household expenses with the little bit of money I'll be making.  And, when I look at this honestly, I am still scared that he could come back here to confront me, try to force his way into the house, etc, and this time really hurt someone.  If I was not physically afraid of him, I would not have asked him to leave to begin with.

I keep waiting for him to call and actually APOLOGIZE to me.  Not a weak, "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt" kind of thing, but a true, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" kind of thing.  Maybe with flowers, I guess, I don't know.  But he's not anywhere near even recognizing how far he went this time, and even if he does recognize that he crossed a line, he won't admit that to anyone else.

I reach for my phone several times a day to call or text him, but I always manage to talk myself out of it, knowing he really needs some time and some space to figure things out right now.  It is SO HARD for me to just leave it be....but I know in my heart that I HAVE TO leave it, for now at least.  So I keep busy instead, and by the time I even have TIME to call or text him, it's well past bedtime.  He turns his phone off when he goes to bed, so at least that normally keeps me from acting on the urge to at least CHECK on him.  Last night after a glass (or 3) of wine, I finally did send him a sappy text about how I will always love him, even if it has to be from a distance.  He didn't even get the text until late this morning, and of course now that I am sober I'm kicking myself for sending it.

MUST. RESIST. TEMPTATION.

:/

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now I have to look at this as though I am the parent and Hubby is the child here (because psychologically, he kind of IS....or at least is acting like a child!)  If I give in and let him come home WITHOUT getting help, he'll never get help.  On top of that, he'll never take me seriously again, which would then be setting me up for a lifetime of abuse.  I CAN'T live that way, and I sure as hell don't want my boys to grow up seeing that example of how to treat a woman!  I put my foot down, and now I have to stand by my word.....he can NOT come home until he has gotten some help - at least counseling, preferably coupled with some pysch meds.  The meds part is not a deal breaker for me, but I know he could be so much more functional/content/HAPPY with a llittle chemical help right now.

*sigh* Well, off to do a little more running nowhere - literally this time, on a treadmill.  Then I'll run around and stay busy the rest of the day so I won't follow up that text with a 'please come home' text.  I really do miss him, but even when he is HERE, he's not really himself anyway - not since Afghanistan.  I want my REAL hubby back!  The one I would never have needed to be AFRAID of.  The one who used to laugh and play and LIVE his life.  OUR life, together.   I'm pretty sure THAT man is never coming back, and the grief over that is overwhelming.

prayer request

I don't usually do this, but am asking you all to please say a prayer for my family tonight.  Last week my teenager, AKA "Bonehead" ran away - he is safe at a friend's house for now, but needs to come home and handle things here......he's risking throwing away his last opportunity to graduate this year, and therefore losing his best opportunity to get into the military.

On top of the teenager issues, my marriage is in trouble, AND my hubby is struggling with more mental health issues (which he STILL has not gotten help for).... this morning he lost his temper to the point that he got physical.  No one was hurt, but he scared the crap out of all of us.  I had to ask him to leave.  It breaks my heart to be the one who is 'kicking him out' when he so clearly needs a LOT of love and patience right now, but I can't risk him hurting me or the kids in a blind rage.  I'm seriously hoping and praying that this will be the final straw for him, the one thing that will MAKE him go and get help.

He has gone to a few counseling sessions in the past year, but I know he is not being honest with the therapist - so how is she supposed to help him?  He's been referred to a psychiatrist, and WOW, if anyone needs psych meds right now, it's my husband - but he "doesn't have time" to go see the psychiatrist. I pray that he will now MAKE time, and will take his mental health as seriously as he's always taken his physical health.

I truly hate to air our dirty laundry here like this, but you already all know how much we've struggled with his mental health issues (and MINE) since he returned from deployment 14 months ago.  The 'reintegration' ugliness is mostly over, but if he doesn't find a way to heal his mind, it won't matter.

Please, just say a prayer for peace and health for my whole family.

THANKS.

be careful what you wish for (and Happy Valentine's Day)

In April 2009, when it seemed my entire life was upside down, I lost my job as a preschool director.  I had been with that agency for over two years, and was miserable for at least the last year of it because of the difference between my personal philosophy and that of my bosses (yes, bossES, as in, plural.  Another headache there).

Anyway, I looked for another preschool job, initially focusing on administrative positions, but broadening my search fairly quickly to include applying for entry-level on up.  I was repeatedly told that I was 'overqualified' for so many jobs, before finally landing my current VERY PART TIME job as a school crossing guard.  Somehow my degree and credential did NOT over-qualify me for holding up a stop sign in a crosswalk for an hour every morning and another hour in the afternoon. (?)

I was 4 months pregnant with Bobblehead when I was hired for this job, so I was happy that it was so part-time.  I've kept my ear to the ground since then for a PRESCHOOL job, but wasn't searching very aggressively because I knew we didn't have many QUALITY infant/toddler child care programs in the area for my little Bobblehead.  Once he is 18 months old, our selection of viable child care choices becomes HUGE, so I started applying like crazy for everything I could a couple weeks ago. (Bobblehead is now 17 months old).

One position that I applied for was a Preschool Director position a couple towns away....about a 30 minute commute if there's no traffic.  The neighborhood is bad, the school is in a very SAD state of disrepair, and the owners don't seem to know what they're doing.  They have 30 children enrolled right now, in a program that is licensed for over 150 children!  Still, I was up for the challenge and they seemed to really WANT me, especially after I talked to them about marketing ideas, curriculum implementation, etc during my second interview with them.  They have an infant/toddler program there, though the quality is, well. QUESTIONABLE.  As the director, I would definitely have the power to turn that around, but still I was not exactly ANXIOUS to bring Bobblehead there.  I told myself I could work around that, maybe have my sister watch him for the first month or so while I worked to get the program into shape.  I just wanted the job so bad!  Unfortunately, they were only willing to offer about HALF of what I expected to earn there, so it was not a winning proposition for me.  I don't know who they finally hired to do that job, but she has an uphill battle ahead of her! (Especially since the owners clearly are not willing to spend any money to make money with this program)

I applied for several other positions, had LOTS of great job interviews, and finally this week hit paydirt....sorta.  Our valley's one-and-only QUALITY program for infants and toddlers opened just a couple months ago, and they are rapidly growing and filling that part of the school as word gets out that they're there.  They advertised looking for a qualified Infant teacher to accommodate that growth, so naturally I was interested!  Not administrative, but a GREAT program for my baby Bobblehead, so definitely something I wanted. Bad.

I wore this to the interview:

(I was going for professional, but approachable, and my hair was totally AWESOME that day, which must have helped...)

I totally NAILED the interview!  So much so, that they actually called me within about two hours after I left, to offer me the job......but NOT the Infant Room job I interviewed for.  I will actually be teaching TWO-YEAR-OLDS (my least favorite age to work with, besides of course TEENAGERS. Teenagers are the worst).  The pay is mere peanuts for someone with my experience and qualifications, but they offered me a whopping 75% discount for Bobblehead's tuition there!  That's what made it a no-brainer to accept the job, since the SAVINGS in child care costs adds up to $9000/year of income-in-kind, TAX FREE.  Also, the two-year-olds class placement for me is TEMPORARY, since they won't let me be Bobblehead's teacher, and he will be moving into the Two's room in September.  They're not sure where they'll move me in the fall, but they're working on that... frankly I don't care, ANY position will be better than teaching two-year-olds!  I don't mind the diapering, and have an infinite amount of patience for little ones......but two year olds are just so.....INTENSE.  I'll be sure to update you all in a few weeks (I start the job March 1).

Oh yeah, did I mention this whole interview/job offer whirlwind happened on Valentine's Day?  I was worried that the stress of that whole thing could ruin our evening, but not to worry - my teenager Bonehead was one step ahead, ruining our entire WEEK.  He took off again that afternoon after a particularly heated exchange with my husband, and has not been home since.  He has called me twice, and I know where he spent the first couple of nights (not sure where he slept last night).  He is *technically* a 'runaway' right now, but I haven't reported him to police or anything.  I know he is safe (for now) but more than that, I am not rushing to get him home because I don't know how to deal with him any more!  I do know that anything I do to try to exert any kind of control over him will just push him further away.  I'm still gun-shy after what happened with my daughter 4 years ago (she is STILL not speaking to me after I took away her car to get her to stop ditching school in the beginning of her Senior year of high school).  I'm hoping Bonehead will calm down and come home on his own, and since we have a four-day weekend right now, he has plenty of time to do that.  He is such a  pain in the butt most of the time, but when he's NOT being a pain, he is so awesome with his baby brother!  Bobblehead really enjoys running around and playing with him, and Bonehead is the ONLY one who can get him to keep his superhero masks on long enough for a picture.

Back to my Valentine's though.....hubby gave me my gift a day early, a new iPad 2!  My old iPad was pretty beat up after two years of being dropped frequently, so I am thrilled with my gift.  I think hubby also REALLY liked his gift....Pinup photos of me!  

I can't post most of them here, even though they're all 'tasteful'.  I had so much fun taking the photos, and I know that hubby likes the more confident and sexy 'me' that came out of that whole process.  Definitely doing another set for him after I get to my goal weight/size! And as for our ruined evening, we decided on a raincheck to go out for a nice romantic dinner WITH NO KIDS.  Update on that later, too.  (or NOT *wink wink*)

Hope you all enjoyed some sweet lovin this week!  for my milspouse followers, I know many of you wish you could just SEE your man for special days......but while he's out there saving the world, you'll have to settle for posting something like this on your FB to make your civilian friends jealous:

music linkup week 18 :Everybody Hurts

The last couple of days here have absolutely SUCKED, so I'm in a funk. Yesterday was about as crappy as it gets (or so I thought!).....My day started with my toilet seat breaking while I was sitting on it.  Yay.  Go fat girls!  When I came downstairs I found the the last of our three new goldfish had died overnight - we have no idea why.  Then I took Bobblehead to his 9 month well-baby checkup, and the doctor has a couple of concerns - first his weight is way below what it should be. The doctor literally told me to start adding BUTTER to his food.  Seriously.  And then he told me he wants x-rays of the baby's hips, he suspects possible hip displaysia.  We already ruled that out when Bobblehead was a month old, using ultrasound, but the doc says there is another kind of hip displaysia that is developmental - meaning it shows up a little later, and he just doesn't like the way the baby's joints feel.  The left hip in particular feels "loose" to him.  GREAT.  If he does have this condition, he'll have to wear a brace for like 6 months or a year. SAD FACE.

On my way home from that appointment, Bonehead called me from the house to tell me he had finally gotten the call we were waiting for, from Sunburst Youth Academy.  Only it wasn't quite the call we were waiting for - see, we wanted them to call with an ACCEPTANCE, not a rejection.  For the second time, Bonehead was NOT accepted into the NG Youth Challenge Academy.  WTF?!?!  I am literally distraught over this, because our 'truce' has been fragile at best lately, and was based solely on the idea that we only have to last a few more weeks til he goes to the academy.  I fully expected to be dropping him off at Los Alamitos Joint Forces Training Base on July 11, and not see him again until his home-pass weekend in September. Then he would go back to the base until the second home pass at Thanksgiving, and graduate in December - and theoretically come back showing at least a little respect.  This kid literally yelled at me for 20 minutes the other day, calling me a "FUCKING CUNT" (sorry, editing that bit really makes it seem less awful, so you get the unedited version).  There's not a whole lot left that *I* can do to bring about his much-needed Attitude Adjustment, and I was counting on Sunburst to do that.  Now I have to go through another 519 days until this kid turns 18, and PRAY that I don't kill him, or myself.  Or that he doesn't kill me, or himself.

Which brings me to today's extra special version of hell:

A social worker showed up at my door today, asking to interview both Bonehead and me.  When she found out that Knucklehead lives here too, she insisted on interviewing him, too.  It turns out that SOMEONE (I have a few ideas about who) called child protective services because they think we're being too harsh on Bonehead.  Seriously?????? I mean, I have felt like my hands are really tied in terms of discipline already, especially because I am now physically AFRAID of my own son.  He stands 6' 2" and I am only 5' 6", for starters.  And his violent outbursts are incredibly frightening.  Thankfully they've mostly been VERBAL lately, not physical, but seriously, I was standing in the kids' playroom while this woman interviewed my kids one by one in my living room (I was not allowed to be there for their interviews) and thinking of the irony, that this social worker is here to protect Bonehead from ME....when *I* am the one who needs protection from HIM!

In the end, she saw what was really going on here, and gave Bonehead a stern warning that he can NOT treat his mother (or anyone else) the way he has been, or she will have him removed from the home for the safety of the rest of the family.  I don't think he took her threat very seriously, but at least there was some shock on his face at the possibility....like maybe, just MAYBE, he actually is starting to appreciate a little bit of what he has here?

*sigh*

So, the allegations will be officially listed as 'unfounded' in the final report, but she has to interview my husband over the phone before she can close the case.  (He is out of town for work this week) When I called him and told him this, he FLIPPED OUT, yelled at me for half an hour, then told me that if HE is going to take any crap for this (like if it will effect his job, etc) then he's just not coming home. Like, EVER.

Thanks so much, Babe, for being there by my side when I need you most. NOT.

So, I'm having a little pity party for myself right now (with WINE, of course) and what better pity party song is there than R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts"?

In the end the song actually has a message of hope, but it's just a good self-pity crying song for me. 

Like, giving myself permission to cry instead of being strong, because EVERYBODY hurts. 

Even SuperMoms. 

Even not-so-SuperMoms.

If you have not already linked up, go visit Amber at Goodnight Moon and link up!  I promise, most of the songs won't be this depressing, and they will ALL rock - they always do!

Random ramblings

I have so much on my mind these days, but can't seem to pull together one cohesive post.

Instead, I offer you random bits of the chaos in my head at the moment:

My mom had open heart surgery the other day.  Triple bypass.  Now they say her heart has a good 20 or 30 years left in it!  Don't know about the rest of her, though.

Miracle whip is WAY better than mayonnaise.

Holy crap, only 3 1/2 weeks of school left!  Summer vacation sounds good right now.

My birthday was pretty awesome.  Hubby kinda phoned it in (as usual) but my awesome friends made up for it!  Wish they could make up for OTHER areas he's been neglecting *ahem*  Yeah, I totally just went there.  Sorry.  Or maybe I'm not. (?)

Scentsy 'Newborn Nursery' smells freaking AWESOME.  I love it!

Bobblehead has been so incredibly clingy lately - I hope he doesn't wake up before I finish typing my list of random thoughts.

Last week I (finally) cleaned some of the mess in my closet, and put away all of my maternity clothes.  The sadness this brought me made me realize I really DO want another baby - even knowing that will mean more of this crazy lack-of-sleep, lack-of-sex, get-me-off-this-fucking-ride feeling.

Bonehead has his interview today at the youth academy I am trying to get him into.  I want him to get in so he can better himself, but if I am being honest, I really want it so I can get RID of his rebellious butt for 5 months.  Especially after the hell he put me through yesterday!  I almost called the cops again...in fact, would have, if he had not tried to take the phone away from me while I was trying to dial.  What am I going to do if he does NOT get into the academy???

Wine should really be served with every meal.  Is there a breakfast wine?

Jarhead AKA Hubby is spiraling in depression again - and my efforts to help him only seem to make it worse.  I keep HOPING he will follow through and get counseling, as he promised.  He lied to me last week and said he is already IN counseling.

Knucklehead's basketball season is almost over - still can't believe I signed up to COACH.  What was a I thinking???? And yet, we're doing really well.  Fourth place of eight teams, and all three of the teams ahead of us are A-MAZ-ING.  Knucklehead seems to be holding back a little in games, maybe he doesn't like me being 'Coach Gaile' instead of 'Mom'?  *sigh* Only one more game left in the regular season, and then we go into playoffs.

I've really gotta hit the yard sales for some baby stuff.  Which reminds me, I am looking for a used Ergo Baby Carrier - anyone have one for sale?

DUH.  Mimosas!  Champagne + Orange Juice.  Breakfast wine. Sometimes I am a freakin GENIUS.

But most of the time I am the crazy-chaotic-unproductive-rambling-hot-mess you see here.

Bonehead update

OK so I promised to post these pictures, but our usual sunny California weather disappeared for a few days, preventing me from TAKING these pictures.  (not that I am afraid to get wet or anything, but outdoor photos don't really work well in the rain)

So, we have these lovely shrubs outside the front our house:

Once a year, we have to stain our wood fence, so the shrubs in front of that fence needed trimming last week.  My 15 year old son (AKA "Bonehead") was tasked with this, and I am pretty sure that he was trying to guarantee that he would never again be asked to do yardwork, based on this result:

Yes, there were 4 foot tall shrubs there - we are praying that they grow back!  At least it was really easy to get to the fence for the whole staining project.

I think Bonehead uses this "I can't do this job and I will prove it" strategy a lot...you should see how horrible my car looked the last time I had him wash it!  Now my husband wants Bonehead to take over doing the dishes, and in my head I'm going, "no no no no!!!"  But for now, am coaching Bonehead carefully and waiting to see if he really CAN do this.

I want him to do his own laundry, but I don't trust him not to break my expensive front-loading washing machine.  Honestly, I don't trust this kid to do much of ANYTHING except screw up....is that horrible?  Just enjoying my blogosphere honesty.

Monday there is a meeting to determine whether or not Bonehead will be expelled from school (see my previous post for more on this nightmare)

I don't have a CLUE how I survived my teenage years, and can't imagine how I will ensure Bonehead's survival (or his younger brother "Knucklehead", who is still just a Tween, or even his much younger brother, still in utero).