Thursday, August 18, 2011

"Just Wait".....

This video has been making the FB rounds - I first saw it posted by Kristle from Forget The Dog Not The Baby, and was so moved I could only CRY at first.

So, grab some tissues before you hit play!


Now, most of you know that I've been looking for a 'way out' lately. 

Not suicide, but at least Divorce

I am struggling SO MUCH with those feelings of "I just can't do this any more" and I want so badly to just go back in time, about a year and a half. Back to when life was about HOPE, anticipation/excitement over the baby on the way.  Life was full of LIFE back then, you know? Back before 'whatever' happened to my husband overseas.  Perhaps the NOT KNOWING what really happened to him or what's really wrong now is the most frustrating part for me....I don't know. 

Anyway, I feel SO MUCH GUILT over wanting to leave him now.  I mean, if he had come back missing a leg or an arm, would I give up and walk out on him?  I certainly hope not!  So I feel like his "issues" (as he calls this.....I call it mental illness, but whatever. Tomato, tomahto, right?) are something that deserves a little extra patience from me, and of course a little benefit of the doubt.  I "SHOULD" wait faithfully for him no matter what, right? In sickness and in health..... So I suck it up, cry A LOT, and go into survival mode way more than I care to admit.

I've had a hard time even blogging about this, much less talking to anyone in person or on the phone, because of my GUILT over feeling things I think I shouldn't FEEL.  But the one thing that struck me most when I watched this awesome video was that I HAVE to talk about this.  About my situation, my feelings, all of it.  If nothing else, I might be able to comfort another person going through the same difficulties.  And maybe, just MAYBE, talking about it will help me deal with things better, too.

Some of what I go through is just beyond words (literally) so I can't talk about it, even with my counselor. Some of it will sound trivial to those who have not lived it, and some of it will sound like I am straight-up lying, it is that unbelievable.  Like the time hubby got pissed off at me and literally abandoned me & the baby at costco with no money and no car.  He eventually came back, of course, but that kind of crap is just NOT normal.  (or is it?)

Either way, I am making a real attempt to speak up more about this craziness, and I hope others who are suffering will do the same.

Also, make sure you visit Kristle's post about this for a list of resources for those needing help.  I wanted to duplicate it here but my blogging time is up for now. 

And please PLEASE pass this video on to someone!  Post it on your facebook, or e-mail it to someone who needs to know she's not alone.  This really needs to be shared.

5 comments:

Manda said...

I've been where you are! In fact in June I told my husband that I'm done and that I'm willing to give it one more year. If things don't change and if doesn't get help, the kids and I are gone. I've struggled with the same things you have, the guilt over "in sickness and in health" he sure as heck didn't ask for PTSD but he's not doing much to work through it either. Like you I asked myself what's the difference between a physical injury and one you can't see. Would I leave if he lost a limb? No. And I'm not contemplating leaving because he has PTSD, but the way he treats us is not good.

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in what you're going through... and the only people who REALLY get it,are the ones going through it as well. ((hugs))

Kristle said...

I too have been there! Twice actually, this life is NOT easy, and sometimes, you have to do what is best for YOU, and he for him. PTSD is sooo ugly, and learning to cope with it is near impossible, but I assure you that if you both are working towards the same goals, and can work through it together, it is possible! I think and pray for you all the time, and I am here if you need to chat! :)

chambanachik said...

Thinking about you.

Domenica Campbell said...

Glad to have found you again. Oh my dear girl, the last time I read your blog was prior to his deployment (again) and with baby on the way. I am going to read all your archives up until I left off. Sending you a virtual hug.

Chris said...

Gaile,

Thank you for sharing our video and really know that you are not alone. We hear you, and we see you. We also are you. If you would like to stop and listen or chat about any of this we have online groups every Wed and Thurs for spouses. I do the Thursday group. You can get the information from Kristle or from www.JustWait.us

But the real point is that I agree with your blog, we need to be able to talk about this stuff. It is not just happening to our spouses. We are in this too.

Much Love,
Christina Piper

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