Music linkup week 28:Panic

This week I took on a big project: redecorating the master bedroom/bathroom!  It was a surprise for hubby, who left Monday morning for 6 days....or so I thought. Monday afternoon he called to tell me he would be home Wednesday afternoon. If I had not already started the project, I would have postponed it for a few weeks.  Since I HAD already started, I decided to scramble and make the 6 day project a 3 day project. 

After the waves of panic settled, I mentally adjusted my schedule, and amazingly I got it DONE!  Hubby called me at 4:00 PM to tell me he was half an hour away.  I had just finished making the bed, so I hurried and vacuumed, put away some stray painting supplies, and jumped in the shower.  (I was SOOOOO sweaty and gross after running around like crazy).  Hubby walked in the door just minutes after I got out of the shower, and he LOVED his surprise!  Pictures to come soon, I promise.

In the meantime, please enjoy this classic Smiths song, "Panic"

If you've never heard of The Smiths, I think maybe you're an alien from Mars.  I absolutely LOVE this band!  A girl I went to school with, Janice Whaley, had a really cool goal in 2010: to record her version of EVERY Smiths song, by the end of the year.  Her arrangements are pretty phenomenal, especially considering that her only instrument is HER VOICE. Check out her version of Panic:

Pretty cool, huh?  She's actually become famous(ish) for this project, and sells the recorded project as a box set - to people ALL OVER THE WORLD.  I'm so excited for her to have found a way to make money doing what she loves.  And hey, now I know somebody who is FAMOUS! :) You can 'know' her too, if you follow her on twitter @JaniceWhaley. Hey, follow ME too, while you're at it @DeploymentAgain

Have you linked up with the lovely Amber at Goodnight Moon yet?  Go see her, say hi, rock out to some of the other songs linked up on there, and then ADD YOURS!  You know you wanna!

weathering life's storms

Ever since I said I was going to be more honest on here about what my life has been like dealing with hubby's PTSD "issues" I feel like I have had total writer's block.

It's just, I don't know where to begin!  There are these crazy emotional storms, if you will.  Sometimes I can't tell if the storms originate from HIM, or from ME, but either way I never know if they'll be gentle like a spring rain, or sudden but short like a summer thunderstorm, or downright deadly like Hurricane Irene.

Like, a few weeks ago in one of our more bizarre arguments, he actually accused me of stealing/hiding his logo t-shirts.  (regular t-shirts with a logo on them, mostly surf/skate types like O'Neil or Quicksilver, even though he has never surfed OR skated). He has always worn these t-shirts, and when he got home from this deployment he started buying new ones compulsively.  Shopping compulsions are not new for him, but have always been tied to some sort of emotional distress, so I should have seen that as a cry for help way back in Dec/Jan, at least. 

We have issues already with fitting our clothes into our drawers/closets, so by about March I got fed up and said something to him.  We were in Costco and he was looking at the shirts there, excited by the great price, I guess...and I snapped and said, "PLEASE don't buy any more t-shirts until you get rid of some of your old ones!" So he claimed he couldn't FIND any of his white logo t-shirts, and then made a point to complain about this again several more times over the following weeks, usually while buying more shirts. Of course I went home and checked his drawers to make sure I wasn't imagining the t-shirt surplus, and I started having HIM put his clean t-shirts away after I washed and folded them, so he would at least see what I meant about not having room for any more of them. 

I didn't mention it again until I saw him wearing YET ANOTHER new logo shirt, and I asked him if he finally got rid of some of the old shirts.  He completely LOST IT, yelling at me for stealing/hiding his clothes or something, because he can only find 2 white logo t-shirts.  This man has always been incredibly organized, to a point that they probably put HIS picture next to the phrase "anal retentive" in the dictionary....but the day he blew up about the shirts, he had t-shirts in four different drawers (all full, of course...I counted 17 clean white logo t-shirts, plus all the grey, blue, etc and that's not even counting the 7 or 8 that were cycling through the laundry at that point!) and he had only checked one drawer before he panicked that they were all "missing".  That by itself was a serious short-circuit in his usually precise brain, but the delusional stuff.....the idea that I would for some reason sabotage his efforts to freaking GET DRESSED - that only hints at our biggest problem: he thinks I am the enemy.  He is so convinced that I am somehow out to get him, it is no wonder he can't fully trust me, or open up to me, or CONNECT with me.  Why would he want to connect with the enemy?

I can't even begin to describe how painful that is, in and of itself....knowing that he sees me that way.  There are times that I can really tell he is trying, and that maybe he even understands that those views are, in fact, delusional.  But he still treats me as the enemy most of the time.

The craziest part of this is the calm between the storms.  We probably have one major blowup a week (sometimes a fight, sometimes just one-sided yelling) and then 3 to 5 small ones.  Considering his work has him gone for 4 days straight every week and home for a max of 3 days, that's a LOT of storms (especially since we don't even have make-up sex any more). But in between fights, it's almost like nothing is wrong - at least to anyone observing us.  I don't know if we just keep up appearances for the kids' sake, or if maybe we cling to those moments of normalcy, wondering when the next storm will hit and how severe it will be?

Right now another storm is brewing, and I can't tell if I should find a shelter somewhere, or stand there shaking my fist at it, daring it to do it's worst.  I do know that I am strong and prepared and capable, but am so afraid of the BIG STORM coming someday.....the one that no amount of preparedness/prayer/strength/luck can possibly stand up to.  The one that will end me, maybe end us both.

In the meantime, all I can do is try to enjoy this little bit of calm before the storm - these precious few moments that allow me to actually blog about it all.  At 2:30 in the freaking morning.

music linkup week 27: Never Tear Us Apart

This song has been in my head for three straight days. I was actually caught SINGING it out loud by the school this afternoon, when I thought no one was around (embarassing!)

If you've never heard of INXS, well first of all, what planet are you from?  And secondly, you have been MISSING OUT.

I know some of you have been worried about me, and checking in via FB, email, etc......THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CARING!  Sometimes I feel so alone, and then I log in and see that I am NOT alone.  Seriously, a little e-love goes a LONG way.  I'm actually doing okay, for now.  Really bummed about the current state of my 'relationship' with my hubby (or lack thereof).  You know how you can be so completely connected to someone, that you complete each other's sentences?  Like, you actually KNOW what the other person is thinking/feeling, all the time? Well Jarhead and I are the OPPOSITE of that right now.  I don't know when we've ever been more DISconnected from one another, and it is so frustrating because all I WANT is that connection again, you know? *sigh*

Anyway, I am moving forward as much as I can, trying hard every day to be patient and loving, no matter what. In less than three weeks I will be starting that weight loss competition that I wrote about recently, "Valley's Biggest Loser".  I can't WAIT!  I'm so psyched about it, I even started a new blog to document my weght loss journey!  You can check it out at ThinIt2WinIt.wordpress.com  It is still under construction, and should look a LOT better as soon as I finish learning about all the cool stuff that wordpress can do.

BTW I am liking wordpress so far, and am considering moving THIS BLOG from blogger to wordpress.  Anyone out there have any tips or hints for me before I start? I've already been told I will have to re-upload all of my pictures after I make the move. It's scary, taking the first step with a big change, isn't it?

I totally did NOT mean to go on for so long, I hope you at least clicked play already and got to rock out to some INXS while you muddled through my ramblings!

By the way, have you linked up with Amber at Goodnight Moon yet?  Make sure you do, and check out her newly redesigned blog while you're at it!

"Just Wait".....

This video has been making the FB rounds - I first saw it posted by Kristle from Forget The Dog Not The Baby, and was so moved I could only CRY at first.

So, grab some tissues before you hit play!

Now, most of you know that I've been looking for a 'way out' lately. 

Not suicide, but at least Divorce. 

I am struggling SO MUCH with those feelings of "I just can't do this any more" and I want so badly to just go back in time, about a year and a half. Back to when life was about HOPE, anticipation/excitement over the baby on the way.  Life was full of LIFE back then, you know? Back before 'whatever' happened to my husband overseas.  Perhaps the NOT KNOWING what really happened to him or what's really wrong now is the most frustrating part for me....I don't know. 

Anyway, I feel SO MUCH GUILT over wanting to leave him now.  I mean, if he had come back missing a leg or an arm, would I give up and walk out on him?  I certainly hope not!  So I feel like his "issues" (as he calls this.....I call it mental illness, but whatever. Tomato, tomahto, right?) are something that deserves a little extra patience from me, and of course a little benefit of the doubt.  I "SHOULD" wait faithfully for him no matter what, right? In sickness and in health..... So I suck it up, cry A LOT, and go into survival mode way more than I care to admit.

I've had a hard time even blogging about this, much less talking to anyone in person or on the phone, because of my GUILT over feeling things I think I shouldn't FEEL.  But the one thing that struck me most when I watched this awesome video was that I HAVE to talk about this.  About my situation, my feelings, all of it.  If nothing else, I might be able to comfort another person going through the same difficulties.  And maybe, just MAYBE, talking about it will help me deal with things better, too.

Some of what I go through is just beyond words (literally) so I can't talk about it, even with my counselor. Some of it will sound trivial to those who have not lived it, and some of it will sound like I am straight-up lying, it is that unbelievable.  Like the time hubby got pissed off at me and literally abandoned me & the baby at costco with no money and no car.  He eventually came back, of course, but that kind of crap is just NOT normal.  (or is it?)

Either way, I am making a real attempt to speak up more about this craziness, and I hope others who are suffering will do the same.

Also, make sure you visit Kristle's post about this for a list of resources for those needing help.  I wanted to duplicate it here but my blogging time is up for now. 

And please PLEASE pass this video on to someone!  Post it on your facebook, or e-mail it to someone who needs to know she's not alone.  This really needs to be shared.

Music linkup week 26: My Own Worst Enemy

This week's song is one that used to make me CRACK UP because it could so easily have been sung by hubby's friend John, who was the best man at our wedding.  John and I actually (kinda) grew up together, and we share the same birthday but a year apart, so we got along just fine when he married my childhood best friend.  I think I have posted this story before, but that marriage is what ultimately led to me & Jarhead getting together - right before our two best friends got a divorce.  *sigh* John spiralled from there, and just kept making things worse and worse on himself, and it seemed he had NO CLUE he was his own worst enemy in those days.  He did share a laugh WITH us once over how well this song fit him, so maybe he did see some of it?

Anyway, it is not quite so funny now that I can look back and apply this to my OWN life - I don't really like looking at all the times I've basically shot myself in the foot, but it is necessary to do so if I want to avoid the same mistakes in the future.  Overall, I do have more happy memories in my life than REGRETS, but the regrets are still there - over all the times I have been MY OWN WORST ENEMY...

But the video for this song still makes me laugh!  :)

Have you linked up with the lovely Amber over at Goodnight Moon?  If not, you're missing out on all the fun!  And be sure to come back next week, where we will do this all AGAIN. :)

Music linkup week 25: Playing with the boys/You've lost that lovin feelin

This week I have two songs, but they're BOTH from the movie "Top Gun".  The first song is an absolute MUST, after my Beach Day last week.  If you weren't there, you were seriously missing out, because there was a BEACH VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMENT.  On the BASE.  Yeah, that's right, really hot half-naked Marines getting all sweaty - RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. I wish I'd taken some pictures, but they wouldn't have come out great, as there would have been DROOL all over my camera HA HA HA!

But the whole time they were playing, I kept hearing Kenny Loggins' song "Playing With The Boys". Yes, I know in the movie they were Naval Aviators, not Marines, but whatever.  Hot sweaty men are still, well, HOT!

Now, before any of you go criticizing me, a married woman, for openly OGLING those (very hot) men, I was JUST LOOKING, OK?  And they probably would have completely gone unnoticed except that I've been feeling particularly neglected lately.....hubs is 'trying' really hard to really BE a husband and father, but I think he's got a lot of demons to slay in his own mind first. It could literally be YEARS before he is really ready to be the man I need him to be - the same man he was BEFORE the third deplyment.  In the meantime, I am lucky if I get any action more than like once a month.  :( 

Which of course brings me to another song from Top Gun - "You've Lost That Lovin Feelin" by The Righteous Brothers.  Such a great song, even if it DOES hit a little too close to home these days.

What's your song?  Have you linked it up yet?  If not, GO DO IT NOW.  We'll wait. (no we won't, HURRY! ha ha ha)

have you heard the secret?

I don't do this very often, but I want to introduce you all to one of my FAVORITE bloggers, Lori Volkman at Witty Little Secret.  I've only been subscribing to her posts for a couple of months now, but I literally laugh out loud, or cry, OR BOTH, every time I read her posts. 

Today's post was just so PERFECT, I simply had to share.  It really hit home with me, since I am still trying to draw my 'real' husband out from the shell of a man he came home as almost 8 months ago.  She starts out with this intro:

"This week I wrote Husband an effusive email expressing various events, emotions, challenges. I laid bare my concerns, seeking input and counsel. I reached out into the ethernet for some partnership, some companionship, and possibly some laughter.

Husband’s response announced: ”See responses below.” I scrolled down. At the end of each of my written paragraphs were his contrasting color comments. And by “comments” I actually mean single word phrases. The response to paragraph #1 was “yes,” paragraph #2 was “cool” and paragraph #3 was … wait for it … “Mind over matter.”

 

I stared. I had PTSD flash-backs of R&R. I flashed forward to homecoming. And I did what any girl would do. I issued an OPORD. I have a feeling this one is going to get me in trouble …"

Her OPORD is freaking HILARIOUS!  Go here to read the whole post.....I guarantee you will love it! 

music linkup week 24:Come Together

Time for the music linkup (ALREADY???)  This week has flown by.

Last week I posted about my hopes for my daughter to make an appearance at our big family reunion.  She did not make it, but apparently would have if the reunion had been one day longer.  She contacted my sister a few hours after we all LEFT Oceanside, wanting to meet up.  In the end, she went to my sister's house and visited there for over FOUR HOURS.  She had not seen my sister's 5 year old since that child was a baby, and had never met my sister's younger children (age 3 and age 1 now).  SO, it was a step in the right direction, right?

I have invited her to Bobblehead's birthday party next month - she still has not met her baby brother!  I don't expect her to be all buddy-buddy with me, but if she will just SHOW UP - will just begin to repair her relationship with some other family members, well then I won't feel so silly about getting my hopes up last week.

This week's song is not really ABOUT that, but the title works with it: Come Together, by The Beatles.  My daughter actually LOVED the Beatles when she was little, so I am dedicating this song to her this week.

Have you linked up yet?

Family Reunion (picture post)

Before I post pictures from my awesome week-long family reunion, I want to remind my stalkers followers that TOMORROW, Wednesday August 3, you can come meet me in person on Del Mar Beach aboard Camp Pendleton!  If you are anywhere near Pendleton, email me ASAP for more info - I really would love to see you all there!

Last week my parents and five of my siblings and I (and our respective spouses and children) descended on a timeshare complex in Oceanside, CA.  At the peak, we had 13 adults and 18 children - so we were missing a total of 5 adults and 7 children this year.  If everyone comes to our next reunion in 2013, we will have 18 adults and 27 children (since 2 more babies are on the way at the moment).  Pretty big family, huh?

I will have some better pictures to post SOON, since my friend came down with her camera and got some great group shots.  But for now, here are a few of the pictures I took:

17 cousins in Old Town San Diego

Beach Babies!  My little Bobblehead is on the right.

Bobblehead & Bonehead (don't mind the san goatee)

Knucklehead & Bonehead 'firing' a cannon in one of the museums

My neices & nephews digging HUGE holes in the sand :)

Knucklehead had such a fantastic time with his cousins ALL WEEK, especially at the beach.

Knucklehead tried on an od steel helmet like the ones the Conquistadors wore. 

Home, sweet home.....isn't it crazy that I can fit TWO longboards on top of my tiny litle car?

This historic lighthouse is next to the harbor - we could see it from our room, which was pretty cool.  Definitely made the blackout shades necessary though

(I never would have slept all week with that

rotating light flasing into my room over and over all night long.)

ha ha ha!  and I thought MY surfboard setup was crazy!

This guy has surfboards AND a bike, all with his little convertible.

Cute, huh?

The teenagers - Bonehead on the right, age 16.

Kaid in the middle is 17, and Tayla on the left is 18.